Jokes Collection's
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
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The happiest people on this planet are not those who live on their own terms but are those who change their terms for the ones whom they love..
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man those are some real amazing stuff
Just a collection i had thought i might put it here 4r all to enjoy ..........
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The happiest people on this planet are not those who live on their own terms but are those who change their terms for the ones whom they love..
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Nice collection......you writing a book or something :D
Motivation is when your dreams put on work clothes.
- Ben Franklin
One day in a school in London, a teacher said to a class of 5-year-olds,
“I’ll give 10 pounds to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.”
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St.Patrick.”
The teacher said, “Sorry Paddy, that’s not correct.”
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Andrew.”
The teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Hamish,that’s not right either.”
Then a Jewish boy put his hand up and said “David”
the Buddhist boy said “Gautama Buddha”
and the Muslim boy said “Mohammed”.
They all were not successful.
Finally, a Gujju boy raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus Christ.”
The teacher said,”That’s absolutely right, Jignesh, come up here and I’ll give you the 10 pounds that I promised.”
As the teacher was giving Jignesh his money, she said,”You know Jignesh, since you’re a Patel, I was very surprised
you said Jesus Christ.”
Jignesh replied, “Yes. In my heart I knew it was Krishna, but Business is Business!”
lol.. she really wanted her years to be cold i guess.. ;)
abha.. those are some really gud ones..
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
So God calls to Adam and says, "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"
Adam replies, "The good news."
God answers, "Well, the good news is I gave you a p*n*s and a brain."
Then Adam says, "OK, so what's the bad news?"
And God says, "I only gave you enough blood to operate one at time."
One day there was a 14 year old girl in a nice short skirt. A boy about 16 walked up to her and said, "I bet you can’t climb that tree".
The girl replied, "Oh yes I can, watch".
The girl climbed up the tree and the boy looked up her skirt. When she came down he said, "I like your knickers".
The girl got upset and told her mum her mum said, "You silly girl you let him look up your skirt to see your knickers".
The next day the girl wore an even shorter skirt the boy said to her again, "I bet you can’t climb that tree", pointing to a taller one.
The girl climbed it and when she came down the boy never said nothing, he just looked very happy.
The girl told her mum again her mum said, "You silly girl you showed him your knickers again".
The girl replied, "No I tricked him this time, I didn’t wear any ".
A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms.
Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father,
"What are these things daddy?"
His dad said, "Condoms son."
The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied,
"The packs with one are for the high school boys,
one for Saturday night,
the ones with three are for the college boys,
one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday,
and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."
A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
lol...
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
LOL
"Drink Beer Save Water"
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"