Ohh...Let's have a BREAK (Joke Time)

At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.

From the back of the hall a Scottish voice houted, "I'll give £150!"

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.

2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:

Power = Work / Time

Since:

Knowledge = Power

Time = Money

It follows that:

Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:

Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:

The less you know,the more you make

AL FA Q

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.

Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked... "And where were you when I got married?"

AL FA Q

1. HER DIARY

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.

I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where Somewhere else.

I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.

I don't know what to do, I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

2 - HIS DIARY

Today INDIA lost match. Bad Luck...

AL FA Q

Wise man decides to educate villagers on the ills of drinking. Puts a worm in a bottle of water. Worm survives. Puts the same worm in a bottle of alcohol. Worm dies. Wise man says "See the effects of alcohol".

Villagers think "Wow, alcohol kills worms". So they all start drinking to kill the worms in their stomachs.

A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions.

"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frog would you have left on the log?"

The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."

"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and actually jumping."

AL FA Q

Women Are Such Complex Creatures:

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman,

If you don't you are not a man.

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying,

If you don't, you are good for nothing.

If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp,

If you don't you are not understanding.

If you visit her often, you are boring,

If you don't she accuses you of double crossing.

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy,

If you don't, she says you are a dull guy.

If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait,

If she is late, she says it is a girls way.

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold,

If you kiss her often, she yells you are taking advantage.

If you talk, she wants you to listen,

If you listen, she wants you to talk.

IN SHORT...

So simple, yet so complex,

So weak, yet so powerful,

So confusing, yet so desirable,

So daming, yet so wonderful... WOMEN !

AL FA Q

Go and sit at the back of the class ...

By the way, I popped into The Irish Harp last Friday night and thought they were having an "idiots and whores" theme party; But no – that's just The Irish Harp on a Friday night :O)

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up

prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling

hands:-

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home . I had to elope with my new

boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too

- even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship , don't you agree?

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for!

the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own

way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Randy taught me that

marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends

for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for

AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Your loving daughter,

Rosie.

At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO".

Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that

there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and

call when it is safe for me to come home. I love U.

AL FA Q

George decides to take his boss Sam to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace.

George offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about 3/4ths of the way stops and jogs back. His boss asks what the problem is.

George said, "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress.

Sam just shook his head at Joe and started towards the women determined to finish his round of golf.

Preparing to ask the ladies to hurry their game he too stopped short and turned around.

George asked, "What's wrong?"

Sam replies, "It's a small, small world George, and you're fired"

AL FA Q

What did the big phone say to the little phone?

Your too young to get engaged.

-----------------

HE WHO DARES WINS

~noms~

-----------------------------------------

"Before God we are all equally wise ' and equally foolish" - Albert Einstein

I was at a cash machine in CC last night when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs,

"Not anymore!... He is!"

Al FA Q

Twas the Night After Christmas

'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.

Christmas Present

The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."

I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause." Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."

The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing in dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said:

"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the hell out of me!".

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for last 25 years...

MORAL:

Do not stick with one job for a long time!

AL FA Q

This particular joke won an award for the best joke competition Organized in Britain:

A man walks into a bar in London and ordered 3-glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, “You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time.” The man replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai, the other in Canada and I’m here in London. When they left home, we promised that we’ll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The man became a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He order 3-Beers and drinks them in turn. One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss.”

The man looked confused for a moment, then he laughs.... “Oh, no,” he, said, “Everyone’s fine - both my brothers are alive”. The only thing is I just quit drinking...!!!

AL FA Q

Q: How does an attorney sleep?

A: First he lies on one side and then on the other.

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained

"When I got posted in the Middle East , I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters...

First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting.

Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.

Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.

And Then these posters were pasted all over the place

"Then that should have worked!" said the friend.

"The hell it should had!? said the salesman. didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left"

BritExpat the title of the above Bono joke was supposed to been Scotish Humour which I forgot to mention. You getting old man where is Jock humour gone?

-----------------

HE WHO DARES WINS

funny alfa ..lolz

***Your only limitation is your soul***

A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone.

After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her,”

Er...excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you? "

She responds in a loud voice: “NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”

Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them. The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.

After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says," You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations. "

The young man responds loudly with,

" WHAT !!! THREE THOUSAND BUCKS.!!!

THAT'S TOO MUCH ! "

AL FA Q

Am I in the wrong place..

I thought the title said "Joke Time"

-----------------

HE WHO DARES WINS

MOM: Stop going out with that doctor, I don't trust hin.

DAUGHTER: Mom, he's a very good doctor.Truth is, HE WAS ABLE TO STOP MY MONTHLY PERIOD!!!

.

.

.

.

.

ALL RIGHT !!! ROCK N' ROLL!!!!

MyHotComments

"My dear old granny was recently beaten to death by my granddad. Not as in, with a stick – he just died first"

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an azzhole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.

(Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13.. a stylist

14. a physiotherapist

15. a gynaecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organizer

22. a good father

23. very clean

24.. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly

46. love shopping

47. be honest

48. be very rich

49. not stress her out

50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

Just A Small Smile

AL FA Q

Keep them coming.

It was the end of the school day and all of the kids were anxious to go home. The teacher told the kids,"As soon as you can name the speaker of a famous quote you may leave. O.K.,

Who said four score and seven years ago?"

Johnny lifts his hand in excitement.

"Yes, Johnny?"

But before he could answer, Lucy jumped in and said Abraham Lincoln.

"Very good, Lucy, you may go home now."

Johnny was red in the face with anger. The teacher then gave the next quote,

"Who said I have a dream."

Johnny lifted his hand excitedly again. But this time Mary interjected and said "Martin Luther King."

"Very good, Mary, you may go home now."

At this point Johnny was really frustrated and pissed off. But the teacher asked again, "Who said ask not what your country can do for you?"

Johnny knew this one, he raised his hand quickly. This time Rebecca chimed in and said, "JFK"

"Very good, Rebecca, you may go home now."

Now, Johnny was BOILING MAD! He turns to the kid next to him and says, "I wish these b****** would keep their mouths shut!"

"Who said that?"asked the teacher.

"Bill Clinton," said Johnny, "Can I go home now?"

A snail walks into a bar. Walks up and orders a beer. The bartender says "we don't serve snails here."

The snail objects, and the two get into a long, heated argument about it. Finally the bartender gets pissed off, and flicks the snail as far as he can off the barstool, and the snail flies across the room...

...A year later the bartender is doing a shift, and he looks down, and wouldn't you know it, he sees the snail there. The snail looks up at him and says "WHAT THE F*** DID YOU DO THAT FOR???"

lol ;D

Don't Judge me BECAUSE I AM NOT A BOOK......

Boy was telling the story to his IT friends and trying to explain the Importance of domain knowledge....

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 3 and half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to him, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

....Mothers know!!

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Domain knowledge is very important!!! Else your supplier will trick you......

AL FA Q

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Would you please keep your mouth shut?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the man turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP!??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

She replies, "Only when he's been drinking."

AL FA Q

Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child?

Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.

The Three Bears returned one sunny sunday morning from a stroll in the woods to find the door of their little house open. Cautiously, they went inside.

After a while, big Daddy Bear's deep voice boomed out, "Someone's been eating MY porridge!" Mummy Bear gave a yelp, "Someone's been eating MY porridge!", she said. Little Baby Bear rushed in, "Forget the porridge - someone's nicked the DVD player!"

AL FA Q

Footballers on facebook

1. Fraizer Campbell rejected Phil Brown’s friend request

Marc-Antoine Fortune rejected Phil Brown’s friend request

Michael Owen rejected Phil Brown’s friend request

2. Arsene Wenger is not worried about his lack of transfers this summer as he has internal solutions 1 hour ago

Alexander Song Billong likes this

Visakri Diaby likes this

Denilson likes this

3. Joleon Lescott has to go to work tomorrow : ( 13 minutes ago

4. Craig Bellamy has joined the group Money is ruining football

- Benjani likes this

5. Alberto Aquilani: Oh no! I’ve just had my new house robbed!!!

Steven Gerrard, Jerzy Dudek, John-Arne Riise, Lucas Leiva, Dirk Kuyt, Peter Crouch, Jose Reina and Daniel Agger like this

6. Sat’day random drinks n’ antics LOLZ

Ledley King has been tagged

7. Roque Santa Cruz is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Craig Bellamy is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Carlos Tevez is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Emmanuel Adebayor is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Robinho is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Benjani is looking forward to starting on Saturday

8. Steven Gerrard hopes his ‘groin’ injury clears in time for Sunday lolz

Yesterday at 20:03 · Comment · Like

Ben Foster Ditto lolz

9. Joleon Lescott became a fan of money.

Gareth Barry likes this

10. Marcus Bent is hoping to start at Old Trafford - 1 hour ago

Sir Alex Ferguson Likes This.

11. Jamie Redknapp is literally on facebook

12. Frank Lampard is LOLing at Stevie G - 3 hours ago 3 comments

-Steven Gerrard f**k off Lamps lol

-Rio Ferdinand oi oi epic banter lads

-Steven Gerrard did he dedicate the banter to his Mum lol

13. Glen Johnson is looking at new toilet seats in B&Q

14. Tomas Rosicky is fit and loving life! can’t wait for the new season 1 week ago

Tomas Rosicky is depressed

3 days ago

15. David Moyes is skint

Mark Hughes likes this

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

Because she was a woman.

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.

The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.

Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

AL FA Q

A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.

At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop"

"Wait a minute" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business"

There is this waiter who brings soup for a customer with his thumb dipped in.

Customer becomes upset & points to waiter. Waiter says " Oh I have some rashes in my thumb & hot soup is soothing"

Customer becomes furious & says " why don't you shove it up yours!"

Waiter says "that I do in Kitchen"

AL FA Q

Each Friday night after work, Santa would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbors were strict Catholics and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest. The Priest came to visit Santa, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Santa attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, “You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now, you are a Catholic."

Santa’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived. The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Santa's backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Santa, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted: "you waz born a chicken, and you waz born a lamb, you waz raised a chicken, and you waz raised a lamb but now, you are a potato and tomato"

Lucky Singh was talking to his travel agent, Jolly Singh.

Lucky tells Jolly, " I am about ready for a vacation. Only this year, I am going to do it a little differently. "

The last few years, I have been taking your advice on where to go.

Three years ago you said go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and my wife Gurpreet got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Gurpreet got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and Gurpreet once again got pregnant."

Jolly asks Lucky "So , what are you going to do this year that is different?"

Lucky smiles and says, "This year, I'm taking Gurpreet with me!"

" Dont take life too seriously, you will never get out alive!!!"

A snail gets jumped by three turtles.

The police ask him what happened, he says, "I dunno! It all happened so fast!!"

A hacker attack briefly shut down Twitter on Thursday.

Millions of twitterers were forced to talk to each other the old fashioned way.

Through Facebook.

One day a man was walking along the neighborhood when he saw a little boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. The man approached the little boy and offered to ring the doorbell for him.

Then the man asked the little boy, "Now son, what do we do next?"

The little boy answered, "We run!"

A well-known motivational speaker, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife !"

The crowd was shocked!!!!!!!!

He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!"

The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.

About a week later, one of the top managers who had the training decided to use that joke at his house. He tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him.

He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

Naturally, his wife was shell shocked, murmuring.

After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was !"

As expected, he got thrashing of his life time....

Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste

AL FA Q

Q: How did the Polish mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on?

A: Yellow in the front, Brown in the back!

1. If u think a girl is beautiful, she'll always have a boyfriend to confirm that

2. The nicer she is...the quicker u will be dumped!!!!!

3. The more the makeup, worse the looks...

4. "99% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 1% would always be in your company."............ .....100% true

5. The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother.

6. If by any chance the girl you like, likes you too, she will let you know in about 10 years from now ,when you are committed..

7. The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you.

8. Theory of relativity......

The more u run towards a hot chick....the more she goes away from u...

9. Rule 1: Even if you got her out alone... Just when you are about to let her know about your feelings...she will spot a long lost friend.

Corollary to rule 1: The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a girl on a private chat, the more probability the long lost friend she discovered is a handsome superman, who beats you in everything 9:1

Axiom 1: The more dedicated you are to the girl, the longer it takes before things work out, but ultimately it will (some smile for the guys)

10. The day the chick you really like comes and speaks to you will be the day when-

a. You are dressed badly

b. You forgot to brush your teeth for the first time in your life

c.Have a bad hair day

11. All the good girls are either nuns or married, the rest go around with u and ruin your money, health and leave u a total wreck.

12. The more seriously u like a girl...the more seriously her dad will hate u

13. The love you shower a girl with is directly proportional to the number of bullets her dad will be showering at you

AL FA Q

John was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

John looked up again and said,

"Never mind. I found one."

AL FA Q

My wife wanted a birthday present that went from 0-200 in 3 seconds.

So I got her a new bathroom scale.

One morning at a doctor's surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him "OK, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him,That's how I strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible.What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you

won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked.

Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.... .?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"

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My boss told me " you are fired"

I told him " boss i didnt hear the shot"

A man walked into a bank, got in line and when it was his turn he pulled out a gun and robs the bank.

But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, “Did you see me Rob this Bank?”

The customer replies, “Well, yes!”

The bank robber raises his gun, points it at his head and shoots him.

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, “DID … YOU … SEE … ME … ROB… THIS… BANK?”

The man calmly responds, “No, but my wife did.”

-a man was cleaning the wall with an ear bud y?

Because "diwaroon ke bhi kaan hotey hai"

-----------------------------------------------------

My boss told me " you are fired"

I told him " boss i didnt hear the shot"

I was driving through an area of Birmingham the other day and I saw an asylum seeker on the side of the road eating some grass.

So I stopped my car and said to him, 'Hey, don't eat that! Come home with me!'

The asylum seeker said to me, 'I have a wife and 12 kids, can they come too??'

I looked at him and yelled , 'Get lost!! It's only a small lawn!'

They call it the American dream because you have to be asleep to see it... --George Carlin

Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!

Man who sit on tack get point!

Man who sink into woman's arms will soon find arms in woman's sink.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability

He who eats crackers in bed get crummy sleep.

He who put face in fruit drink get punch in the nose.

Butcher who backs into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders.

Chemist who fall in acid, absorbed in work.

Man become old when he watch food instead of waitress

Man who throw dirt, losing ground.

Two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn

Do not drink and park, accidents cause people.

Man who crosses ocean twice without washing, is a dirty double crosser.

Man who speak with forked tongue, should not kiss balloons.

He who have last laugh, not get joke.

Man who throw away watch, wasting time.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like bananas

War does not determine who's right. War determine who's left.

Man who sleeps on road, wakes up feeling run down.

Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.

Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy...

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Kids are like Legos, lot of fun to make, but sooner or later, only end up messing up house.

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

When lady say `no´ she mean `perhaps´ when she say `perhaps´ she mean `yes´ but when she say `yes´, she not a lady.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner

Wise man never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Man trapped in pantry have himself in jam.

Women take to good hearted men. Also from.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all

of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds

and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall

building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said 'WHERE AM

I?' in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a

large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.'

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

'I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.'

1. (Whatever)

Men: What to have for dinner?

Women: Whatever...

Men: Why don't we have steamboat?

Women: Don't want, once i ate steamboat and later got pimples on my face.

Men: Alright, why don't we have Si Chuan cuisine.

Women: Yesterday we ate Si Chuan, why eat it today again?

Men: Hm..... I suggest we have seafood

Women: Seafood is no good, i ate it once, then later I got diarrhea.

Men: Then what you suggest?

Women: Whatever..

2. (Anything)

Men: So what should we do now?

Women: Anything

Men: How about watching movie? It's been a Long time since we watched movie.

Women: Watching movie is no good, it's waste time.

Men: How about bowling, or do some exercises?

Women: Exercise in such hot day?

Men: Then let's find a cafe and have coffee.

Women: Drinking coffee will affect my sleep

Men: Then what you suggest?

Women: Anything

3. (You decide)

Men: Then we just go home

Women: You decide

Men: Let take bus, I will accompany you

Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. I don't want.

Men: Ok we will take a Taxi

Women: Not worth it... for such a short distance

Men: Alright, then we walk.

Women: What! Walk with an empty stomach?

Men: Then what you suggest?

Women: You decide

Men: Let's have dinner first

Women: Whatever...

Men: What to eat?

Women: Anything

very good,nice one............hahaha.............

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion

about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant,

In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant,

In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant,

In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant,

In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant,

In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant,

And in the US .....thou....they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

------------------------------------------------------

My boss told me " you are fired"

I told him " boss i didnt hear the shot"

A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut.

Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework.

The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad.

Looking at it they see under math an A .

Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"

The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."

sarder for and electrical engineer interview

employer: how do u start an electric motor

sardar: druuuummm druummm dhhhhurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr......

employer(angry): stop it stop it.

sardar: dhruummm dhup dhupppp dhupp..

sarder goes to and electronic shop to buy color tv

sardar : do u have a color tv

salesman: yes sir we have lots of color tv

sardar: ok gimme a red color one.

0

------------------------------------------------------

My boss told me " you are fired"

I told him " boss i didnt hear the shot"

TO ALL MY DRINKING BUDDIES...

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....

Scared the $@#t out of me!

So that's it!

After today, no more reading

defining agony: its like a one armed man hanging at the edge of a cliff by his only arm and his butt is devastatingly itchy...

defining death....more simple.......he scratched it!

a zoologist sardar detached wings from a housefly and then said "fly"....but the fly could'nt fly...

"hence proved that fly becomes deaf if u detach its wings" the sardar wrote in his book

A 5 years old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom" he asked "are these my brains?"

"Not yet" the mother replied.

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

No Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

What were you thinking?

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks ENGLISH!

I was wandering around the Corniche yesterday and found a little boy, crying his eyes out.

I said “What’s wrong son”

He said “I've lost my dad!"

I said, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

Chinese name confusion

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone ! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator : Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Ree.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry . Now give me your name!!

Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ..

Caller: Oh .....God!!!!

lol Azi.....take it easy

and you say your professional...duuhhh?

I'm giggling all by myself here at the office...whehehehe

LOLzzzz

good ones...

Life's a bitch and then you DIE! ;)

David Beckham and a rather digruntled looking Posh are watching a match at the Emirates stadium.

Posh grumbled "this isn't what I had in mind when I asked you to take me up the ar$e!"

A Doha Estate Agent fell on hard times and died in poverty.

People in QLVG were asked to subscribe to a fund for his funeral.

One wag said .. "Only Ten Rials?" "Here's a Hundred, go and bury 10 of them."

4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.

Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

and what I'm experiencing right now at work...I thinking the same thing as that man.

^_^

"..people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.."

OHHHHHHH GODDDDDDD!!!!!!!!! lolz

MyHotComments

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, 'Excuse me sir,can you help me ? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.'

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude. 'You must be an engineer,' said the lady balloonist.

'I am', replied the man. 'How did you know ?' 'Well, answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm Still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me at all. If anything you did is delayed my trip even more.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in management.'

'I am,' Replied the lady balloonist, 'but, how did you know?' 'Well,' said the man, 'You don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, with the help of a lot of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building !!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs,love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please! Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

zaberdast .......means very funny....good,nice

a freind of sardar returnes form us after a vacation

highly impressed sardar decides to go on a vacation to miami so that he can have a nice time on the beach

so after wearing 3/4 and applying sunscreen lotion.

he selects a spot on the beach puts his mat with sunglasses on he is flat having a sun bath

few minutes after an american passes by and ask him

"hey man r u relaxing"

sardar replies "No man i m santa singh"

another american women comes and ask him

"hey man r u relaxing"

sardar says no madam" i m santa singh"

this happenes 3 to 4 times and the sardar is frusted

so he wraps it up and deciede to leave the beach...

walking few distance he see's a man lying on a mat wearing sunglasses,they same way they sardar did..

so sardar ask's him "hey man r u relaxing"

the american man say "offcource i m relaxing"

sardar says "stupid what r u doing here,ppl r searching for u"

The Catholic woman said my son is a GOD coz when he comes out of the room, the people say " OH mY GOD"

why: coz her son is a Macho Dancer

good...really good

thanks...salamat...gracias..shukran

lol thanks... :)

Lol...good jokes