One liners from the Edinburgh Festival

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat
- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation
- Jimmy Carr

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs
- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died .... Dido must be sh*tting herself
- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they ' re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there ' d be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She ' ll go: ' What ' s my favourite flower? ' And you murmur to yourself: ' Sh1t, I wasn ' t listening ... was it self-raising? '
- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was ' Shout For Help '
- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax
- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time
-Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

A talking dog goes into a hardware store and says: ' I ' d like a job please ' . The hardware store owner says: ' We don ' t hire dogs, why don ' t you go join the circus? ' The dog replies: ' What would the circus want with a plumber '
- Steven Alan Green at C34

It ' s easy to distract fat people. It ' s a piece of cake
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

If you ' re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They ' re trained for that
- Milton Jones at the Underbelly