Quiet a good one

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there is no hope
for you. I was crying by the end. Note: please take time to read this
slowly. For those of you who have lived in Natal South Africa , you know
how typical this is. They actually have a curry cook-off about
June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal
Show in PMB.

Judge 3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting
from America . Frank: 'Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge
at a Curry Cook off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured
by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all
that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted'. Here are the scorecard notes from the event.

CURRY 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY

Judge 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge 3 (Frank) -- Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CURRY 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY

Judge 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.

Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain... I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.

CURRY 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS 'BURN DOWN THE GARAGE' CURRY

Judge 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.

Judge 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite... Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting p*ssed from all
the beer.

CURRY 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY

Judge 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting
to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an
aphrodisiac?

CURRY 5 - LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the
chilli peppers make a strong statement.

Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off. It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Scr*w them.

CURRY 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

Judge 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to sh*t myself if I fart and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore I need to wipe
my ar*e with a snow cone ice-cream.

CURRY 7 - SELINA'S 'MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE' CURRY

Judge 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage
that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress
as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Scr*w it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach...

CURRY 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY

Judge 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted,passed
out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted
to really hot curry?

Judge 3 - No Report
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