quotes to make you smile
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was
SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress
- Will Rogers
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere
- Billy Crystal
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And the cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good spit it out.
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henry Youngman
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married,
have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.
Tim Allen
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.”
- Calvin and Hobbes
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes,and I can't remember the other two...
Sir Norman Wisdom
One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
Edgar Watson Howe
I don’t like to commit myself about HEAVEN and Hell, You see, I have friends in both places – Mark Twain
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake- Nepolian
'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt
Abraham Lincoln
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."
Loved those ones lol
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You need Religion so when everyone goes to Paradise you're not left behind..
lol thanks Scarlett....