Joke Time
A West Virginia Department of Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer: "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road." The old farmer said: "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said: "I have the authority of the State of West Virginia to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land." So the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step. The old farmer called out: "Show him your card! SHOW, HIM, YOUR, CARD!"
That was a nice one Eva.
I got an e-mail some days back
Title is "Why women should respect men ?"
A woman drives a car and sees another car approaching her in the opposite lane. The car comes closer and the man inside lowers the window and shouts at her "Horse ! Horse !" and the woman in reply...lowers her window and shouts "Pig ! Pig !".
She is glad that she insulted him more than a horse. And she proceeds further.
This is what happend next.
This is why women should respect men once in a while. Lolzz !
This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:
Once upon a time
in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: " Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel
grateful and happy doing so. "
That night,
as the princess dined sumptuously
on lightly sauted frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't f****ng think so.
Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?"
"I was blowing bubbles." The judge then called in duck number two
and asked him the same question. "Judge, I was blowing bubbles."
He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me guess — you were blowing bubbles too?"
"No, I'm Bubbles."
I got u an alien joke.... WAIT!!!
On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they say has been covered up by the military. March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.
That clears up a lot of things.
BYE STAR AND ALL
GOT VISITORS
CATCH YA LATER ALLIGATOR
do it right - the first time!
no stars i was just pulling ur LEG ....er or whatever else you aliens call them lol
do it right - the first time!
very good
they're there somewhere - have to go diggin - ya dig?
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich accompanying him. He orders two margaritas for both of them. The bartender tells him the drinks cost $10.50. The man just inserts his hand into his pocket and leaves on the table whatever is in his pocket. The bartender is astonished to see exactly $10.50.
A little later, after finishing the drink, the man walks to the bartender again and orders two martinis, one for him and one for the ostrich. The bartender tells him that the drinks cost $12.50. The man just inserts his hand into his pocket and leaves on the table whatever is in his pocket. The bartender is astonished to see exactly $12.50.
"It's amazing. How is it possible that you insert your hand into the pocket and come up with exactly the change you want?"
"It's a long story mate. One day God appeared before me and granted me two wishes. For the first wish I asked him that if I want to buy something, I should just insert my hand into my pocket and come up with the exact amount I want."
"That's great! Amazing idea. Now, why is an ostrich accompanying you wherever you go?"
"For the second wish I asked him for a chick with long legs!"
stars
am cool dinga linga ling
u ok my twin from outer space???
say do you have any alien jokes???? lol
do it right - the first time!
haven't you got the riddle yet - the maths on the other posting?
speak for yourself! hello you!
hey all u funny bones ...how are all of ya???do it right - the first time!
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their
parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat
of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.
"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen
eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Sarah."
Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon
was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle
of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then
she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f#&* away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."
state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving
that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my radar," the trooper said.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No you weren't!" the trooper said.
With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said,
'Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when
he's been drinking."
If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.
right
If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.
something like..... all of them leave you with nothing!!
key words were censored lol
Crazy Frog
What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?
If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the
worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. "Dear, Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her
piercings and tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, Your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk! I love you! Call me when it is safe for me to come home.
huh? can't you see I 'm still a frog that pretends to be crazy ? so How can I have got that kiss.... still four years to go :D
Crazy Frog
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really
rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to
escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her
sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting
salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well ... you started it."
If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.
~ your thoughts create your reality ~
Frog - did you get it?
You know the '' once upon a time'' tale : A crazy frog Waiting for a beautiful princess to kiss him so that he can change to a prince. Well, actually I did find my princess, but she asked me to work for 5 years in Qatar so that I can get that so called Kiss . Amazing , isn't it ?
Crazy Frog
~ your thoughts create your reality ~
LOL
happy heart
DRIVE SAFE,someone is waiting for you at home
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a
double-decker bus for a week-end gambling trip to Louisiana . The Brunette
team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time,
when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes
upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in
fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of
them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great
time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...
"YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER
If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.
:)
The doorbell rings in the middle of the night, and the wife gets up to see
who it is. She comes back to bed and the husband says, "Who was that?"
The wife says, "Oh, it was some woman." The husband is freaked out. He
says, "Well, uh, what did she want?"
The wife says, "She wanted to know if the coast was clear!" The husband is
really nervous now. He says, "Well, what did you tell her?"
The wife says, "I told her the coast is a hundred miles from here; how in
the heck do I know if it's clear or not?"
If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.
aaahh...you dont like to be treated as Frog but you are called the crazy frog:-D
its good to love yourself.
happy heart
DRIVE SAFE,someone is waiting for you at home
i took it as a joke thats all as no doctor worth her salt will ever tell it
If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.
Of course I do.... I am an Egocentric guy :D I love myself, but I don't like being treated as a frog :P
Crazy Frog
FRog, tell me, you like Crazy Frog.
my kids sit mesmerised when crazy frog is playing.
happy heart
DRIVE SAFE,someone is waiting for you at home
Wow, the first one was nice, the rest ... too long to be a joke ???
Crazy Frog
just a joke
the entire last segment of her joke was very mean, but thats was it was, a mean mean joke.
dark humour.
happy heart
DRIVE SAFE,someone is waiting for you at home
was way out of line with her last remark
If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.
LMAO, that was one mean joke the doc pulled on the lady.
sheesh.
happy heart
DRIVE SAFE,someone is waiting for you at home
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the
most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest
of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What'd you buy?"
my wifey fights back for sure!
the characters in the story r ficticious. Any similarity with modern day living person is just a mere coincidence.....;)
~ your thoughts create your reality ~
Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet...
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush....
:)
A sardar is taking a written exam. On looking at the question paper he starts taking off his clothes. On seing this the invigilator rushes to sardar as asks him."What on earth do u think u r doing?".....Sardar replies...Look at the paper...it is written "Answer in Brief"
I just got it in my mail.Lets laugh again.
A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except one Sardarji. He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"....
A Teacher lecturing on population: "In India after every 10 secs a women gives birth to a kid. "
A Sardar stands up- "We must find & stop her!. "
A man: " Sardarji, tell me, why Manmohan Singh goes for a walk in the evening not in the morning?"
Sardarji : ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.
Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital. The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies. Sardarji goes to China to find the meaning of his friend's last Words. And finds It
>means "U R STANDNG ON the OXYGEN TUBE!"
Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed.
His wife asked what you are doing.
He said-I am seeing how I look while sleeping.
Why did Sardar cut the sides of the capsule before taking it?
Guess what... To avoid side effects!!!
Man: Sardarji where were U born?
Sardarji: Punjab
Man: Which part?
Sardar: Oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body Is born in Punjab Yaar".
Lawyer to Sardar: "Gita pe haath rakhkar kaho ke...... "
Sardar :"Yeh kya , Sita pe haath lagaya to court mein Bulaya.
Ab fir Gita pe haath!!"
Sardar: For the past one week a girl is disturbing Me. I don't know how she got my no, she interrupts whenever I call someone and says "please recharge your card"
A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a Sardarni painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange,he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For Best Results put on Two Coats"
A sardar was drawing money from ATM,
The sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password.
Its 4 asterisks (****). "
The first sardar replies, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! U R wrong, Its 1258"
Q:) How do U recognize a sardar in school or College???
A:) They are the ones who erase their notebooks when the teacher erases the blackboard... BOLO tarara!!
Q:) Why did the sardarji sleep with a scale?
A:) Because he wanted to measure how long he has Slept........
Santa Singh MBBS After finishing his MBBS, Dr. Santa Singh starts his Own practice. He checked his first patient's Eyes, then the tongue, and finally the Ears using a torch.Finally he said Battery is Ok !!!
"Drink Beer Save water"
Smart bull.how much did he read ?lol
Nice one amingo66
"Drink Beer Save Water"
ha ha
plz dont mind byt tell me is it a joke or a story
it is off the new forum topic:) chill