joke time
By t_coffee_or_me •
A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law said, “What the hell are you doing?” “I'm wearing my love dress,” responds the daughter-in-law, “We haven't made love in a while, so I wore it.” So the mother-in-law says, “Hm, maybe I should try that.”
She goes home and her husband wasn't home yet, so she undressed. Two hours went by and finally she heard her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, “What the fuck are you doing?” “I'm wearing my love dress,” says the wife. “Well,” responds the husband, “it needs to be ironed.”
lol tech n star those were good ones.
do it right - the first time!
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!", she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?"
To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS:
"HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR
WEEKS NOW."
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY. "FIX THE LIGHT? NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
"WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE DEFY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
"FINE," SHE SAYS "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK."
"I'M NOT A DARN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS," HE SAYS.
"DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE FEDS D.I.Y. WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!"
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL
GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
"HONEY, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE
YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."
HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"
SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO........ DO YOU SEE ALBANY'S BAKERY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?"
If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.
the answer is NOTHING!! :))
the answer is.... (i know it - can i say it and spoil it 4 all?)
10 Things Learnt Through Experience
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and will never achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
Never lick a steak knife.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant, unless you can see an actual baby.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a
big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the carp out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with
The poor have it....the rich want it...it is more powerful than God...it is more evil than satan...if you drink it, you will die.... what is it?
If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher
> said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human
> because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
>
> The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
>
> Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
> human; it was physically impossible.
>
> The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
>
> The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
>
> The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i thought all gals r beautiful..... never came across a ugly duckling so far ........... hehehheheheh
If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.
keep at it you jokers...are there that many ducks stars ? i hope i dont step on any cos then ill be stuck with you !!!....lol...jk
do it right - the first time!
SHE was ugly - he was being punished...
u mean to say the guy get rewarded or was he gay
If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"