This month , QL will be discussing rumours that the president of the dairy council has become a Mason, and goes around giving his colleagues the secret milkshake.
Every night, Harold would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, and left.
The next night, after he finished his 3rd beer, the doorbell rang.
He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Harold didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Harold and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Harold went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "
" What can I do? " he pleaded.
" Not much " he doctor replied. " There's just a nasty bug going around."
The devil visited an attorney's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The attorney thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
A couple of hikers were tramping through the countryside and had lost their way, so by the time they arrived at the "George and Dragon", the village pub where they'd arranged to stay the night, the doors were locked and the owners had gone to bed. They knocked timidly on the front door.
A head appeared at an upstairs window and shouted, 'Go away. Don't you know what time it is? We're closed,' and the the window slammed shut.
Undeterred, the hikers knocked again. 'What is it now?' demanded the head.
'Could we speak to George this time please?' asked on the the hikers.
A couple of hikers were tramping through the countryside and had lost their way, so by the time they arrived at the "George and Dragon", the village pub where they'd arranged to stay the night, the doors were locked and the owners had gone to bed. They knocked timidly on the front door.
A head appeared at an upstairs window and shouted, 'Go away. Don't you know what time it is? We're closed,' and the the window slammed shut.
Undeterred, the hikers knocked again. 'What is it now?' demanded the head.
'Could we speak to George this time please?' asked on the the hikers.
A couple of hikers were tramping through the countryside and had lost their way, so by the time they arrived at the "George and Dragon", the village pub where they'd arranged to stay the night, the doors were locked and the owners had gone to bed. They knocked timidly on the front door.
A head appeared at an upstairs window and shouted, 'Go away. Don't you know what time it is? We're closed,' and the the window slammed shut.
Undeterred, the hikers knocked again. 'What is it now?' demanded the head.
'Could we speak to George this time please?' asked on the the hikers.
One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 miles an hour when he noticed that there was a three legged chicken running along beside his car.
He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hr. the chicken was still keeping up.
After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house. The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.
The farmer said that he knew about the chicken, as a matter of fact the farmer said that his son was a geneticist and he had developed this breed of chicken because the three of them each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.
The salesman said 'That's the most fantastic story I have ever heard.How do they taste?'
The farmer said ' I don't know. We can't catch'em.'
The Three Bears returned one sunny sunday morning from a stroll in the woods to find the door of their little house open. Cautiously, they went inside.
After a while, big Daddy Bear's deep voice boomed out, "Someone's been eating MY porridge!"
Mummy Bear gave a yelp, "Someone's been eating MY porridge!", she said. Little Baby Bear rushed in, "Forget the porridge - someone's nicked the DVD player!"
A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
"You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back."
An IRA man shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes out to greet him. St. Peter takes one look and says "I don't think you can get in here.The IRA man says"Who wants in? You've twenty minutes to get the *#!@ out!
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees,it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of
"SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T)".
We are trying to give our employees more "S.H.I.T" than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of "S.H.I.T" on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the "S.H.I.T" list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the "S.H.I.T" you can handle.
Employees who don't take their "S.H.I.T" will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).
Those who fail to take "D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T" seriously will have to go to
EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).
Since our supervisors took "S.H.I.T" before they were promoted, they don't have to do "S.H.I.T" anymore, and are all full of "S.H.I.T" already. If you are
full of "S.H.I.T" you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our
BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).
For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of
MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T).
This course emphasizes how to manage "M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T"
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(H.O.T.S.H.I.T).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T)
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us your good manners?"
I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno.
The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas. The company president walks over to reward the volunteers.
"What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group.
The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "The first thing we’re going to do is fix the fucking brakes on that truck."
A Scotsman wanted to impress his girlfriend so he took her for a ride in a taxi. The trouble was, she was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eyes on the meter.
When William Shakespeare went swimming one day he was obsessed with the notion that moths had been feeding on the back of his trunks! He asked a friend to investigate and make a thorough search. The friend replied, "No holes, bard."
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1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?
2nd Eskimo: Alaska
1st Eskimo: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself!
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Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"
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How do you count a herd of cattle?
With a cowculator.
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A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, but I can't sell you that."
"Why not asked the customer?"
"Because that's my husband."
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Who appears in cowboy films and is always broke?
Skint Eastwood
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What do you get if you cross a fruit with a Welshman?
A taffy apple.
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"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
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Traffic policeman: 'Didn't you hear me shout to you to pull over?'
Motorist: 'I'm awfully sorry. I thought you said "Good morning, Chief Constable." '
Traffic policeman: 'That's all right, sir. I just wanted to warn you that the traffic's pretty bad up ahead.'
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Did you hear about the 2 men from the monastery who opened up a fast food seafood restaurant?
One was the fish friar, and the other was the chip monk.
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Denial: A river in Egypt!
Coincide: What you do when it starts to rain!
Bacteria: The rear portion of the cafeteria!
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Acoustic: Instrument used in billiards!
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
A man was heading to England and his next-door neighbor Mrs. Dunn had just sent her son Olmos off to England a week ago. He hadn't called since he was there, so she asked the man to get him to call her. She knew he was staying in a big white house so she told him that.
When he arrived in England, the man asked the first person he saw for the big white house. Thinking he meant the outhouse, the Brit said, ''It is in the middle of the park.'' So the man went to the park and saw a white house in the center.
He knocked on the door and said, ''Are you Olmos Dunn?''
A voice came from inside, ''Yeah, I just have to find the toilet paper.''
Westerners will do a mental count of Hadji's inside any aircraft, at any airport, before take off...
A blonde, a brunette and a red head were smoking cigarettes one afternoon. The blonde had Camels, red head had Marlboros, and the brunette had Lamberts...
It began to pour down raining, so the red head and brunette both pull out a condom and put it on their cigs. The blonde says “what are you doing?” - and they say “we’re saving it for later!”
Impressed, and in a hurry, the blonde goes to the nearest store and asks for a condom. The clerk says “What size? small, medium, or large?” She said “I dont know… one to fit a camel?”
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"
I met this eccentric Frenchman who raises carp in the south of France. When the carp are full grown, he catches them, skins them, and makes men's money recepticles of the skins.
He is, in fact, a man known for his carp to carp walleting.
A Harley rider eating in a restaurant is checking out a gorgeous redhead. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket. The biker reaches up, snatches it out of the air, and hands it back to her. "I am so embarrassed," the woman says. "Please join me for dinner."
They enjoy a wonderful meal together and afterwards she invites him to the theater, followed by drinks. She pays for everything. Then she asks him to her place for a nightcap, and to stay for breakfast.
The next morning the guy is amazed. "Are you this nice to every biker you meet?" he asks.
"Not usually," she replies. "But you just happened to catch my eye."
Tensions have escalated between Mars and Earth after it emerged that satellite defence systems on the red planet used powerful laser beams to shoot down a missile that had left Earth, somewhere in Italy at the speed of light...... however this morning, it emeeged that the missile was infact the missed penalty by Roma defender Tonetto during their Champions League game against Arsenal.
Bob had been out diving off the Florida Keys for days looking for sunken treasure, but had had no luck. One day, while wading back onto the beach, he tripped over a chest filled with diamonds, rubies, and emeralds!
Bob was heard to say as he carried the chest away, "Well it just goes to show you that booty is only shin deep!"
A cat was walking at a rain slick pavement as the rooster mindlessly watch. The cat suddenly lost balance and slip in the pavement. the cat soaking wet tried to get up but couldnt. the rooster was laughing so hard that it brings tears into his eyes.
Lesson learned: "when theres a wet pussy, theres a happy cock".
"You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back."
ARNOLD Crump, a 6ft 9ins, ham-fisted, hairy drunk with a short temper, bad breath, acne, dandruff and fleas, was named by Scotland Yard today as Britain's most unwanted man.
Walking into a lawyers office, a man asked what his rates were. "Fifty dollars for three questions," the lawyer stated. "Isn't that awfully expensive?" the man asked?" "Yes," replied the lawyer. "What's your third question?"
There was once a small snail who always dreamed of becoming a race-car driver. One day he heard that an uncle of his had died and left him some money! Now his dream could be realized! He bought himself a car, souped it up, and then painted a large red "S" on it. When he was at his first race, a friend of his asked him why he had painted the big red "S" on the car? Simple, the snail replied; when people see my car go zooming down the, track I want them all to exclaim: Oh look!! See the S car go!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit,horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........
The teacher asks the class to write an essay on the Police. When she collects them she sees Little Johnny has written just one word - B'stards.
She send it off the local Police Station & the team decide they'll sort Little Johnny out.
They arrive at the School sirens blasting, put Little Johnny in their fastest car & give him the ride of his life around the city. Then to the mall for ice cream & back to the station where he could dress up in uniforms & finally Mc Donald's on the way home.
The next day the teacher asks them to write another essay on the Police.
When she collects Little Johnny's she sees two words this time
The economic downturn is affecting everybody in Qatar.
when i was in the middle of the dessert... i met one man begging for water... i gave the bottle am holding... after he drunk... a thick smoke appear and ALLADIN popped in front of me... that was amazing... so he told me to ask a single wish... so i wish for a red sportscar...
And in just a single "bling bling: the sports car dropped from a distance... a big grin of mine while upon approaching ... when i turn around it... oh my God... it's a half sportscar! why???
Even me experiences economic downturns... aladdin said...
Following the dispute with the domestic servants' union at Buckingham Palace today, the Queen, a radiant figure in a white silk gown and crimson robe, swept down the main staircase and through the hall. She then dusted the cloakroom and vacuumed the lounge.
There is that 7 year old kid which was always anoying his parents because he wanted to know how he was born.
To shut him up, his parents told him the following: "You see that little hole in the roof? You came through it!!!" Well, the kid was actually happy with that so one day, it started to rain inside the house through that hole! As the headroom was too high, his father put his wife on his shoulders to fill the hole with some betuminous arrangment.Meanwhile, the phone starts to ring and the kid answer:
- "Could you please pass your mum please?"
- " Not now because my mum is on the top of my father to fill the whole where I was born..."
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers. The children began to identify the flavors by their colour:
Red........................Cherry
Yellow...................Lemon
Green.....................Lime
Orange.................Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue.
It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
Qatar's winter months are brimming with unmissable experiences, from the AFC Asian Cup 2023 to the World Aquatics Championships Doha 2024 and a variety of outdoor adventures and cultural delights.
Fasten your seatbelts and get ready for a sweet escape into the world of budget-friendly Mango Sticky Rice that's sure to satisfy both your cravings and your budget!
Celebrate World Vegan Day with our list of vegan food outlets offering an array of delectable options, spanning from colorful salads to savory shawarma and indulgent desserts.
Every night, Harold would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, and left.
The next night, after he finished his 3rd beer, the doorbell rang.
He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Harold didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Harold and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Harold went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "
" What can I do? " he pleaded.
" Not much " he doctor replied. " There's just a nasty bug going around."
Q: You're stranded in a deserted island with Attila the Hun, Adolf Hitler, and a lawyer.
You have a revolver with two bullets. What do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice!
The devil visited an attorney's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The attorney thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
A couple of hikers were tramping through the countryside and had lost their way, so by the time they arrived at the "George and Dragon", the village pub where they'd arranged to stay the night, the doors were locked and the owners had gone to bed. They knocked timidly on the front door.
A head appeared at an upstairs window and shouted, 'Go away. Don't you know what time it is? We're closed,' and the the window slammed shut.
Undeterred, the hikers knocked again. 'What is it now?' demanded the head.
'Could we speak to George this time please?' asked on the the hikers.
A couple of hikers were tramping through the countryside and had lost their way, so by the time they arrived at the "George and Dragon", the village pub where they'd arranged to stay the night, the doors were locked and the owners had gone to bed. They knocked timidly on the front door.
A head appeared at an upstairs window and shouted, 'Go away. Don't you know what time it is? We're closed,' and the the window slammed shut.
Undeterred, the hikers knocked again. 'What is it now?' demanded the head.
'Could we speak to George this time please?' asked on the the hikers.
A couple of hikers were tramping through the countryside and had lost their way, so by the time they arrived at the "George and Dragon", the village pub where they'd arranged to stay the night, the doors were locked and the owners had gone to bed. They knocked timidly on the front door.
A head appeared at an upstairs window and shouted, 'Go away. Don't you know what time it is? We're closed,' and the the window slammed shut.
Undeterred, the hikers knocked again. 'What is it now?' demanded the head.
'Could we speak to George this time please?' asked on the the hikers.
One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 miles an hour when he noticed that there was a three legged chicken running along beside his car.
He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hr. the chicken was still keeping up.
After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house. The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.
The farmer said that he knew about the chicken, as a matter of fact the farmer said that his son was a geneticist and he had developed this breed of chicken because the three of them each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.
The salesman said 'That's the most fantastic story I have ever heard.How do they taste?'
The farmer said ' I don't know. We can't catch'em.'
Happy Easter!
“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?
“Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”
The Three Bears returned one sunny sunday morning from a stroll in the woods to find the door of their little house open. Cautiously, they went inside.
After a while, big Daddy Bear's deep voice boomed out, "Someone's been eating MY porridge!"
Mummy Bear gave a yelp, "Someone's been eating MY porridge!", she said. Little Baby Bear rushed in, "Forget the porridge - someone's nicked the DVD player!"
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.
A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
"You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back."
Lol..
"Thar" ? ... Sounds more like Kentucky..
Anyhoo..
An IRA man shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes out to greet him. St. Peter takes one look and says "I don't think you can get in here.The IRA man says"Who wants in? You've twenty minutes to get the *#!@ out!
Brit had visited Texas and was telling his friends about his trip.
One fellow asked, "What most impressed you about Texans?"
He replied, "Their confidence. A Texan took me duck hunting and we sat in a blind all
day and never saw a thing. Then about sundown a lone duck flew overhead, so
high you could hardly see it. When it was directly overhead the Texan raised his
shotgun and fired. The duck kept right on flying".
Then the Texan turned to me in amazement and said, "Son, yore witnessing
a miracle. Thar flies a dead duck".
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
My son tells me a rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class yesterday because it was a weapon of math disruption.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Paddy was rather sad after viewing the body of a dead atheist.
"There she was. All dressed up and no place to go."
Memo to all employees:
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees,it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of
"SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T)".
We are trying to give our employees more "S.H.I.T" than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of "S.H.I.T" on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the "S.H.I.T" list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the "S.H.I.T" you can handle.
Employees who don't take their "S.H.I.T" will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).
Those who fail to take "D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T" seriously will have to go to
EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).
Since our supervisors took "S.H.I.T" before they were promoted, they don't have to do "S.H.I.T" anymore, and are all full of "S.H.I.T" already. If you are
full of "S.H.I.T" you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our
BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).
For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of
MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T).
This course emphasizes how to manage "M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T"
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(H.O.T.S.H.I.T).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T)
"Hey," said a new arrival in the pub, "I've got some great Irish jokes."
"Before you start," said the big bloke in the corner, ", I'm Irish."
"Don't worry," said the newcomer, "I'll tell them slowly."
A lady goes into a bar in Alberta and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.
He has the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asks the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy grins and says, "Sure is, little lady.
Why don't you come on out to the ranch and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wants to find out for herself, so she spends the night with him.
The next morning she hands him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he says, "Well thanks, ma'am.
Ah'm real flattered.
Nobody ever paid me for my services before.
"Don't be flattered," she replies,"take the money and buy boots that fit."
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us your good manners?"
I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted
inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno.
The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas. The company president walks over to reward the volunteers.
"What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group.
The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "The first thing we’re going to do is fix the fucking brakes on that truck."
What do you get if you cross a fruit with a Welshman?
A taffy apple.
bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and
says,
"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your pe***nis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
In bio practical:
Examiner: Tell me the name of this bird by seeing its legs only?
Sardar: I don't know.
Examiner: You are failed, what's your name?
Sardar: See my legs & tell my name
--
rms..!!
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn'
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'
I got a "Groan" from the Punmeister himself.
My life is complete.
A Scotsman wanted to impress his girlfriend so he took her for a ride in a taxi. The trouble was, she was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eyes on the meter.
When William Shakespeare went swimming one day he was obsessed with the notion that moths had been feeding on the back of his trunks! He asked a friend to investigate and make a thorough search. The friend replied, "No holes, bard."
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1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?
2nd Eskimo: Alaska
1st Eskimo: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself!
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Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"
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How do you count a herd of cattle?
With a cowculator.
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A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, but I can't sell you that."
"Why not asked the customer?"
"Because that's my husband."
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Who appears in cowboy films and is always broke?
Skint Eastwood
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What do you get if you cross a fruit with a Welshman?
A taffy apple.
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"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
-----------------
Traffic policeman: 'Didn't you hear me shout to you to pull over?'
Motorist: 'I'm awfully sorry. I thought you said "Good morning, Chief Constable." '
Traffic policeman: 'That's all right, sir. I just wanted to warn you that the traffic's pretty bad up ahead.'
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Did you hear about the 2 men from the monastery who opened up a fast food seafood restaurant?
One was the fish friar, and the other was the chip monk.
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Denial: A river in Egypt!
Coincide: What you do when it starts to rain!
Bacteria: The rear portion of the cafeteria!
-----------------
Acoustic: Instrument used in billiards!
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
About half way.
____________________________
William Shakespeare walked into a Garveys.
The landlord said, get out, your bard.
A man was heading to England and his next-door neighbor Mrs. Dunn had just sent her son Olmos off to England a week ago. He hadn't called since he was there, so she asked the man to get him to call her. She knew he was staying in a big white house so she told him that.
When he arrived in England, the man asked the first person he saw for the big white house. Thinking he meant the outhouse, the Brit said, ''It is in the middle of the park.'' So the man went to the park and saw a white house in the center.
He knocked on the door and said, ''Are you Olmos Dunn?''
A voice came from inside, ''Yeah, I just have to find the toilet paper.''
Westerners will do a mental count of Hadji's inside any aircraft, at any airport, before take off...
Peter Russel
Groan..................Please remove that at once..
I think we're in for a bad spell of wether.
woke her husband one night and said, 'There's a burglar in the kitchen eating my home-made cookies!'
'Oh dear: said her husband. 'Who shall I call, police or ambulance?'
A blonde, a brunette and a red head were smoking cigarettes one afternoon. The blonde had Camels, red head had Marlboros, and the brunette had Lamberts...
It began to pour down raining, so the red head and brunette both pull out a condom and put it on their cigs. The blonde says “what are you doing?” - and they say “we’re saving it for later!”
Impressed, and in a hurry, the blonde goes to the nearest store and asks for a condom. The clerk says “What size? small, medium, or large?” She said “I dont know… one to fit a camel?”
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure.
Get it?
Lame, I know. :(
What' the difference between between Frenchmen and toast?
You can make soldiers out of toast.
My thoughts are my own, but I doubt my Mum would agree with some of them.
What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?
...Hose A and Hose B
What do you call Vasoline in German?
...Vienerschlide
Why did the farmer plough his field with a steamroller?
...Because he wanted mashed potatoes
Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into a meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Which Knight drools alot?
...Sir Liva
Which Knight makes pottery?
...Sir Amic
Did you hear about the one-legged ballerina?
She had to wear a one-one
Do you know what they called her?
Eileen
____________________________
A man goes into a pet shop and walks up to the counter.
"Yes, sir, can I help you ?" asks the assistant.
"I'd like a wasp, please", said the man.
"You'd like a WHAT, sir ?" asks the assistant, looking puzzled.
"I'd like a WASP, please", he repeats.
"I'm sorry sir; we don't sell wasps in here."
"Well, there's one in the window ..."
Prospective Employer to Applicant: " So why did you leave your previous job?"
Applicant: " The company relocated and they did not tell me where!"
DO YO KNOW THE MEANING OF?
BRA:
B - Breast
R - Raising
A - Apparatus
BRIEFS:
B - Bird
R - Resting
I - Its
E - Eggs
F - For safety
CONDOM:
C - Catcher
O - Of
N - Nutritious
D - Drops
O - Of
M - Men
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"
Yes Brit, that was first done at spiderman's home.
Ever heard of "wall to wall carpeting" :)
Thought about it for ages, but I don't get that. Can you explain. (Dons blonde wig).
My thoughts are my own, but I doubt my Mum would agree with some of them.
I met this eccentric Frenchman who raises carp in the south of France. When the carp are full grown, he catches them, skins them, and makes men's money recepticles of the skins.
He is, in fact, a man known for his carp to carp walleting.
They are all great but I laughed the most at Jack Frosts joke.
My thoughts are my own, but I doubt my Mum would agree with some of them.
A Harley rider eating in a restaurant is checking out a gorgeous redhead. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket. The biker reaches up, snatches it out of the air, and hands it back to her. "I am so embarrassed," the woman says. "Please join me for dinner."
They enjoy a wonderful meal together and afterwards she invites him to the theater, followed by drinks. She pays for everything. Then she asks him to her place for a nightcap, and to stay for breakfast.
The next morning the guy is amazed. "Are you this nice to every biker you meet?" he asks.
"Not usually," she replies. "But you just happened to catch my eye."
Tensions have escalated between Mars and Earth after it emerged that satellite defence systems on the red planet used powerful laser beams to shoot down a missile that had left Earth, somewhere in Italy at the speed of light...... however this morning, it emeeged that the missile was infact the missed penalty by Roma defender Tonetto during their Champions League game against Arsenal.
Bob had been out diving off the Florida Keys for days looking for sunken treasure, but had had no luck. One day, while wading back onto the beach, he tripped over a chest filled with diamonds, rubies, and emeralds!
Bob was heard to say as he carried the chest away, "Well it just goes to show you that booty is only shin deep!"
a suicide bomber instructor said to his pupils. "Watch carefully, coz im only going to do it once."
"You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back."
A car hits a Jewish man near TV R/A.
The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?"
The guy says: "I make a good living."
A cat was walking at a rain slick pavement as the rooster mindlessly watch. The cat suddenly lost balance and slip in the pavement. the cat soaking wet tried to get up but couldnt. the rooster was laughing so hard that it brings tears into his eyes.
Lesson learned: "when theres a wet pussy, theres a happy cock".
"You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back."
I just heard that police were called to a local daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
ARNOLD Crump, a 6ft 9ins, ham-fisted, hairy drunk with a short temper, bad breath, acne, dandruff and fleas, was named by Scotland Yard today as Britain's most unwanted man.
Walking into a lawyers office, a man asked what his rates were. "Fifty dollars for three questions," the lawyer stated. "Isn't that awfully expensive?" the man asked?" "Yes," replied the lawyer. "What's your third question?"
A woman celebraing here 40 something birthday said to her husband I wish I was 8 again..
Being a good Husband he decided to fulfil her desire. So the next morning after offering her coco pops in bed, quickly asked to get ready,
They drove to the local theme park, went on all the scary rides, the roller coaster etc etc. Eat candy floss and themes park fast food.
After the day at the Theme Park he takes her down to Macdonalds and orders two happy meals and a large milk shake..
After a long and hard day out the woman comes and collapses on the sofa. The husband leans over and asks..
"how does it feel been 8 again"
At which the woman replies..
I meant size 8 not 8 year old you pillick....
-----------------
HE WHO DARES WINS
I'm totally against hunting. In fact, I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Man walks into an adult games shop and says, "I want a blow-up doll."
Clerk asks, "OK..man or woman?"
"Woman," the guy says.
"Dark, Tan, or Light?" the clerk asks.
"Does it make a difference? It's a doll. Give me a tan one", the guy says.
"OK", says the clerk, "Christian or Muslim?"
"Christian or Muslim?" the guy parrots. "OK, it's a bleedin rubber doll. What difference does it make if it's Christian or Muslim?"
The clerk says, "Well, Christian dolls, you have to blow up, the Muslim ones, they blow up themselves."
britttttt..........
:-O
A policeman walked over to a parked car and asked the driver if the car was licensed.
'Of course it is,' replied the driver.
'Great, I'll have a pint then.'
There was once a small snail who always dreamed of becoming a race-car driver. One day he heard that an uncle of his had died and left him some money! Now his dream could be realized! He bought himself a car, souped it up, and then painted a large red "S" on it. When he was at his first race, a friend of his asked him why he had painted the big red "S" on the car? Simple, the snail replied; when people see my car go zooming down the, track I want them all to exclaim: Oh look!! See the S car go!!!!!!!!!!!!
Umm....okayyyy....
I still miss my ex-husband - but my aim is getting better.
LoL brite.....
HeHeHe :)
Speaking of wet ;
What goes in dry and it comes out wet;
The longer its in the stronger it gets;
It comes out dripping and starts to sag;
Och , you filthy minded person.. Its a tetley tea bag ofcourse.
Speaking of Flies
There was a fly flying six inches over the lake.
At the same time there was a fish in the water that was gonna jump up and eat the fly when it came over.
At the same time there's a bear thinking that when the fish goes for the fly he's gonna grab the fish and eat it.
At the same time there is a hunter thats gonna drop his sandwich and shoot the bear when it goes for the fish.
But at the same time there's a mouse thats gonna take the hunters sandwich when the hunter goes to shoot the bear.
And there's a cat who at the same time is thinking he's gonna run over and eat the mouse when it goes for the sandwich.
So this all happens at the same time and the cat ends up falling into the lake.
So what is the moral of this story?
"When the fly goes down six inches the pussy always gets wet"
____________________________
Speaking of Monica reminded me that the man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage.
He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies.
Monica Lewinsky turns 44.
Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling around the White
House on her hands and knees and putting everything in her mouth.
They grow up so fast, don't they...?
____________________________
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Filipino were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager, "he said, "I have a micro chip under my arm".
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he
explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand".
The Filipino felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something
as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ass.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Filipino finally said....
"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat,
"Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit,horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........
Well !!!!!!
Aisha-Taweela
The teacher asks the class to write an essay on the Police. When she collects them she sees Little Johnny has written just one word - B'stards.
She send it off the local Police Station & the team decide they'll sort Little Johnny out.
They arrive at the School sirens blasting, put Little Johnny in their fastest car & give him the ride of his life around the city. Then to the mall for ice cream & back to the station where he could dress up in uniforms & finally Mc Donald's on the way home.
The next day the teacher asks them to write another essay on the Police.
When she collects Little Johnny's she sees two words this time
Cunning B'stards
I thought that at this point I would interject a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I?
He never reads any of mine.
A polar bear walks in to a bar and says to the barman. "I'll have a Gin and....................................tonic."
"Why the big pause?" replies the barman. The Polar bear looks down at this hands and says
"What do you mean, I've always had them."
The economic downturn is affecting everybody in Qatar.
when i was in the middle of the dessert... i met one man begging for water... i gave the bottle am holding... after he drunk... a thick smoke appear and ALLADIN popped in front of me... that was amazing... so he told me to ask a single wish... so i wish for a red sportscar...
And in just a single "bling bling: the sports car dropped from a distance... a big grin of mine while upon approaching ... when i turn around it... oh my God... it's a half sportscar! why???
Even me experiences economic downturns... aladdin said...
~~Life's Cycle~~~
LOL Brit!
"Ali Baba and 40 thieves" are now "Ali Baba and 30 thieves" ; 10 were laid off.
RED_POPE...you sold your Confession Booth... : (
........times must be really hard then....lol
Is it still at Najma Seconds Sale...? ...Just wondering?
What a coincidence about layoffs..
Following the dispute with the domestic servants' union at Buckingham Palace today, the Queen, a radiant figure in a white silk gown and crimson robe, swept down the main staircase and through the hall. She then dusted the cloakroom and vacuumed the lounge.
"I’m wondering is it them or me"
someonenew ....lol....It wouldnt be very funny...if it was them"...the Bank.. :)
Q: What’s the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons?
A: The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW’s.
"Ali Baba and 40 thieves" are now "Ali Baba and 30 thieves" ; 10 were laid off.
I went to the ATM this morning and it said “insufficient funds”.
I’m wondering is it them or me.
"Ali Baba and 40 thieves" are now "Ali Baba and 30 thieves" ; 10 were laid off.
ukeng.. that was a perfect coincidence... what if the father is over the roof filling such hole?
hope the kid wont answer the way:
Not now because my mum is with my father filling the hole where i was born...:D
~~Life's Cycle~~~
There is that 7 year old kid which was always anoying his parents because he wanted to know how he was born.
To shut him up, his parents told him the following: "You see that little hole in the roof? You came through it!!!" Well, the kid was actually happy with that so one day, it started to rain inside the house through that hole! As the headroom was too high, his father put his wife on his shoulders to fill the hole with some betuminous arrangment.Meanwhile, the phone starts to ring and the kid answer:
- "Could you please pass your mum please?"
- " Not now because my mum is on the top of my father to fill the whole where I was born..."
-----------------
HE WHO DARES WINS
i did tried to pound my confession booth for only stinky 20 dollars, the owner of the pound shop told me: " the confession booth is only worth .99"
Sadly, I had to accept his terms of the deal.
Now, I only carry my offering box full of dust and memories of confessions. It Is a real thought job to be a Padre on these days of depression.
The problem is I think you’re an overeducated, 27-year-old virgin who holds the hands of superstitious old women and promises them eternity.
Just trying to keep up with you, O Master :-)
Excellent :)
"The economic downturn is affecting everybody in Qatar"..
Yesterday I walked into HSBC and said I'd like to talk to someone about a loan.
The loan officer got all excited and said, "Great! How much can you give us?"
New answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute.
Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive: Press 1 repeatedly.
If you have multiple personalities: Press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
If you have short term memory loss: Press 9.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have amsesia
roses are red
violets are blue
ihave amnesia
roses are red
violets are blue
i have amnesia
____________________________
The economic downturn is affecting everybody in Qatar. Yesterday, I met an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.
The economic downturn is affecting everybody in Qatar. Yesterday, I met an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.
"Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of life?' or 'Socrates how can I find happiness?', did anyone ever say 'Socrates
hemlock is poison???????"
Quote from Socrates, right before his death
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
ROFL, QatarKiwi! nice one!
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers. The children began to identify the flavors by their colour:
Red........................Cherry
Yellow...................Lemon
Green.....................Lime
Orange.................Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue.
It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes!!!
Damn you're good.. You must have read the zionist leaning coffee beans ..
By the way, did you hear what happened during a performance of Elgar's Sea Pictures at a concert hall in Bermuda last night ?
Apparently, the man playing the triangle disappeared.
Yes, I forgot the mighty Bermuda triangle! El triangulo del Diablo.....
I got lost in Atlantis, of course the hotel, I was very tipsy celebrating my birthday and chasing hot british girls in worst shape......LOL
The problem is I think you’re an overeducated, 27-year-old virgin who holds the hands of superstitious old women and promises them eternity.
Let me rub my glass coffee mug from starbucks for the right answer...
The problem is I think you’re an overeducated, 27-year-old virgin who holds the hands of superstitious old women and promises them eternity.
RED Pope.. hmmmm. you mean he is an imposter?
-----------------
HE WHO DARES WINS
Britexpat
The problem is, I think you’re an overeducated, 47-year-old virgin who holds the hands of superstitious old women and promises them eternity.
I luv the 50 cent one hahaha good stuff !!!
What do pigs put on cuts?
...Oinkment.
What do you call a cow with one leg missing?
...Lean beef.
What do you say to 50 cent when he gives you a sweater?
...Gee, you knit?
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
How many letters are in the alphabet?
...24 because ET went home.
What would you have if everyone in your country owned a pink kia?
...a pink carnation
Grampa and granny were playing tennis
Grampa lost
He hasn't been found yet
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What do you call a cow that goes to a disco?
Milkshake...
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HE WHO DARES WINS
Did you hear the one about the statistician?
Probably....