joke time again.....

With deep concern, Dick noted that his friend Conrad
was far drunker than he'd ever seen him before. He
walked over to the bar and asked, "What's the trouble,
buddy?"
"It's a woman." replied Conrad. "What else?"
"Tell me about it," coaxed Dick.
"It's your wife."
"My wife? What about her?"
"Well, buddy boy, I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
_______________
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer
friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I
bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the
fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here"?
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I
had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed and
here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled.
"Gee," he asked. "How do you start a flood"?
___________
An Irishman walked into a bar and ordered martini
after martini, each time removing the olives and
placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks
consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"Excuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over
what the Irishman had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out
for a jar of olives!"
_________--
Melissa, I don't know what to do," Janice said to her
friend at work. "That good-looking Mike in accounting
asked me out for Saturday night. Should I go?"
"Oh, my gosh," her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you,
dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his
apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll
have fantastic sex!"
"What should I do?"
"Wear an old dress."
__________
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started
arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They
argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the
employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an
argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we
are, very slowly"?
The guy leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrrrrgerrrrrr r Kiiiiing."
__________________
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in
Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to
have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
Vegetables can be disastrous and none of us realize
the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking
water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
all and we all have or will eat it. Can anyone here
tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and
suffering for years after eating it"?
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,
"Wedding cake."
______________
It's 3:00 A.M. and Goldie wakes up to see her husband
pacing the floor. "Morris, why can't you sleep?" she
asks him.
"You know our next door neighbor, Sam. I borrowed
$1000 from him, and it's due tomorrow morning and I
don't have the money. I don't know what I'm going to
do." Morris replies.
Goldie gets out of bed and opens the window. "Sam,"
she shouts, and several times more, "Sam, Sam."
Finally a very groggy Sam opens the window opposite
her and yells back, "What, what is it...it's 3 AM,
what the hell do you want?"
Goldie says, "You know the $1000 my husband owes you?
He doesn't have it."
She then slams the window shut and turns to Morris and
says, "Now you go to sleep and let Sam pace the
floor."
_____________
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some
friends when the subject of marriage counseling came
up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a
great relationship, " the wife explained. "He was a
communications major in college and I majored in
theater arts.
He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."