A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"
-----------------------------------------
There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"
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"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."
This one is really really funny
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"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
"With all the lawsuits going on, I want to get in on some of that action. I hear people are suing cigarette companies because they got cancer and others are suing McDonalds because they got fat."
Lawyer: "And which one of those categories do you fit under?"
Woman: "Neither. I just want to know if I can sue Smirnoff Ice for all the ugly men I've slept with?"
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
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"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
Good morning all of u .. starseed u really rock .. this topic is the best ..
and this one for u
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating asshole!!", she screams.
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"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course,
became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same
thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you
must be on the 13th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his
round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't." "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.
"I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you."
A husband and wife are having dinner at a fine restaurant when this absolutely, stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife.
"I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in. She turned and said, you've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asked,"What was that all about?"
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."
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"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50
times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "
"THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.">They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
"THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs,
said,"That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one
The husband looked at her and said,
"Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx. 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just like the chocolate around them."
1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"
7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
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"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
Last Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns and dressed quietly. I made a lunch, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck and down the driveway I went. Coming out of the garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
Minutes later, I returned to the garage. I came back into the house and
turned the TV to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that...?
A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy wants some dirty fun and says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes on. He replies, “Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!?
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I’m sorry, I think he's too far in.
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"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
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"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc?.....I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin, in every way".
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together;....an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.
She says, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."
A blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only R20 each! Comes with complete instructions." The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, Just follow the instructions!"
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:
1. Take a shower
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
One day an Irishman complains to his fater-in-law that he sent an SMS to his daughter (his wife) that I would come home......but when I reached home I found her in bed with another man........The father-in-laws replies. It is possible that she might not have got the SMS.
Reminds me of the man who walked into a bar in Ireland and was told by the barman that he couldn't order a drink because they weren't yet open. The man was crestfallen, so the barman said "oh it's ok .. have one while your waiting"
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me ... I've quit drinking!"
Paddy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.
Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a leprechaun that lives there. "Ask the leprechaun to marry you and each time the leprechaun says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the leprechaun on the other side, sitting on a log.
"Leprechaun, will you marry me?"
The leprechaun looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
Paddy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"
The leprechaun rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Zappo! -- Paddy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Leprechaun, will you marry me?"
The irritated leprechaun yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"
A female goes to a doc and tells the doc make one more hole down the the doc got shocked what?? why?? the female says business is getting way too much better too many customers i need one more branch :D
Qatar's winter months are brimming with unmissable experiences, from the AFC Asian Cup 2023 to the World Aquatics Championships Doha 2024 and a variety of outdoor adventures and cultural delights.
Fasten your seatbelts and get ready for a sweet escape into the world of budget-friendly Mango Sticky Rice that's sure to satisfy both your cravings and your budget!
Celebrate World Vegan Day with our list of vegan food outlets offering an array of delectable options, spanning from colorful salads to savory shawarma and indulgent desserts.
This joke went above my head :/
Una palabra no dice nada, Y al mismo tiempo, Lo esconde todo - Outlandish
but i have to leave now... things to do
Keep it going - back later maybe - if not in the morning :)
~ your thoughts create your reality ~
did you just test it? Ramadan remember?
Ram, you biscuit you :)
boiled eggs take about 13 minutes I believe
A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"
-----------------------------------------
There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"
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"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
thats a holler......great one that corne
star u ve put me off smirnoff....
lol it right - the first time!
This is non-stop thread ..
starseed keep the good work ..
Darude why don't u help us ..
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"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."
This one is really really funny
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"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
"With all the lawsuits going on, I want to get in on some of that action. I hear people are suing cigarette companies because they got cancer and others are suing McDonalds because they got fat."
Lawyer: "And which one of those categories do you fit under?"
Woman: "Neither. I just want to know if I can sue Smirnoff Ice for all the ugly men I've slept with?"
~ your thoughts create your reality ~
sya cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez :P
[img_assist|nid=21285|title=.|desc=|link=none|align=left|width=180|height=180]
u guys dont stop do u........should v call cease fire or what
IF SOMEBODY TELLS YOU THAT YOU ARE UGLY, F##K 'EM!!
[img_assist|nid=35511|title=ugly|desc=|link=none|align=left|width=359|height=357]
YOU CANT HELP IT !!!
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
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"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
Good morning all of u .. starseed u really rock .. this topic is the best ..
and this one for u
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating asshole!!", she screams.
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"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course,
became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same
thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you
must be on the 13th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his
round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't." "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.
"I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you."
Advertisement In A Long Island Shop: Guitar, for sale....... Cheap....... ....no strings attached .
Ad.. In Hospital Waiting Room: Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!
Seen on a bulletin board: Success Is Relative. More The Success, More The Relatives.
When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...I Gave Up Reading.
My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses... He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.
You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When: Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick.. Or Your Son Starts To Wipe It Off .
Sign In A Bar: "Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In Advance."
Sign In Driving School: If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.
Behind Every Great Man, There Is A Surprised Woman.
do it right - the first time!
doing great! one coming up now :) How r u?
~ your thoughts create your reality ~
fire away when ready...........
er...i meant the jokes dear....lol
how r u doing
do it right - the first time!
~ your thoughts create your reality ~
I have some work to catch up to.........can u hold fora few minutes....:)
the longer the better to make them hard... the eggs
~ your thoughts create your reality ~
did she like hard boiled eggs ?
A husband and wife are having dinner at a fine restaurant when this absolutely, stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife.
"I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
hey amigo hru good to see u .... nice 1 startseed
If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in. She turned and said, you've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asked,"What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
hello starseed, tea cofee, ram. Any new ones coming
... those were really funny LOL
~ your thoughts create your reality ~
Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus
was never too happy about it, either. So one night sh hides in the cemetery
and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up
from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming,
"Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's
to Hell I'll take ye'". Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who
the hell ARE you?". Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned
old fool". To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm
married to yer sister."
If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."
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"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released
me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like" Irishman scratches his head,
then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and
produced the bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for
weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie
appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic,
never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two
of them"
If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.
A young Irish girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession.
"Father, forgive me for I have Thinned."
"You've Thinnned?"
"Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times."
"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down."
"Will that wash away me Thin?"
"No, but it will get the silly smile off your face."
If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions.
No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins
to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya
want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes!" the
doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be
praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a
minute. Hold the lantern, Mikey." Soon the doctor delivers the next
child. "You've a full set now, Mikey. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..." Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mikey,
Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection. "Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you
think it's the light that's attracting them?"
If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50
times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "
"THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.">They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
"THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs,
said,"That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one
The husband looked at her and said,
"Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."
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A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but .....
it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
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after nine times he is asking .. yuuuuuuuk !!!
that was really good one .. but naughty .. i thought that this topic is only for naughty Adult jokes :)
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http://www.showcaseyourmusic.com/LittleGuitarist
"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx. 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just like the chocolate around them."
The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life
1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"
7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
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http://www.showcaseyourmusic.com/LittleGuitarist
"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
another one...
Last Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns and dressed quietly. I made a lunch, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck and down the driveway I went. Coming out of the garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
Minutes later, I returned to the garage. I came back into the house and
turned the TV to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that...?
WHAT DO GUYS WANT>>>
A GAL WHO CAN COOK
A GAL WHO MAKES GOOD MONEY
A GAL WHO LOVES HIM
AND AN ENVIRONMENT TO MAKE SURE THESE THREE GALS NEVER MEET.!!!
do it right - the first time!
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done
when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I
couldn't walk for a year!"
.. those were so funny LOL
~ your thoughts create your reality ~
A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy wants some dirty fun and says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes on. He replies, “Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!?
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I’m sorry, I think he's too far in.
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http://www.showcaseyourmusic.com/LittleGuitarist
"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
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http://www.showcaseyourmusic.com/LittleGuitarist
"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
you naughty .. that was a gooooood one ..
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http://www.showcaseyourmusic.com/LittleGuitarist
"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road,
he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got
in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The
nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to
remove his eyes from her leg.Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand
slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the mind is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went
on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.
It Said,"Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Always be well informed in your job; or, you might miss great Opportunities!
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc?.....I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin, in every way".
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together;....an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.
She says, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."
He immediately drops his pants and replies ....
Look at this,...still in the CRATE!"
clever man
~ your thoughts create your reality ~
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife isfinishing up
her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over
which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up,
quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens
the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 just to drop
that towel that you have on". After thinking for a
moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, handsover $800 and
quietly leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the
woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets back
to the bathroom,her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Anybody for a pet store in Doha? Too many blonds here too.........lol
hahahaha damn funny tricky one
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A blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only R20 each! Comes with complete instructions." The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, Just follow the instructions!"
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:
1. Take a shower
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
One day an Irishman complains to his fater-in-law that he sent an SMS to his daughter (his wife) that I would come home......but when I reached home I found her in bed with another man........The father-in-laws replies. It is possible that she might not have got the SMS.
Reminds me of the man who walked into a bar in Ireland and was told by the barman that he couldn't order a drink because they weren't yet open. The man was crestfallen, so the barman said "oh it's ok .. have one while your waiting"
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me ... I've quit drinking!"
Not time to go back yet Owen, I have three more weeks, supposedly on the 20th but it was move till the end of this month,
hey cygnet..counting the days till your return...:P
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or better yet, ask his Dad...his really funny!
Oy! be nice my husband is Irish but from northern ireland,i'll ask him some Irish jokes, dont know much really...
WHERE was that line about ignoring.....?
do it right - the first time!
Good advice for some sex maniacs, especially if you have lots of aids
patients. right Doctor Coolquietman? your user name doesn't suit you!
Judge not! that you be not judged!
Right? sex topic obsession is not allowed in Middle East.
Judge not! that you be not judged!
COOL OFF......OK.
take a chill pill
find a new boyfriend
steal more money from hubby
........................
or whatever turns u on....
star what did i miss? just went off to catch some breakfast and i missed the show.....did i miss much? lol
do it right - the first time!
I think you know the best solution is ignoring
~ your thoughts create your reality ~
you're not new Morning Star. Sex topic obsessed as usual.
Judge not! that you be not judged!
stop this nonsense of yours.
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us humans really know how to sabotage ourselves sometimes.. :)
~ your thoughts create your reality ~
Judge not! that you be not judged!
poor soul left with nothing just a small sack of balls LOL
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Judge not! that you be not judged!
Paddy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.
Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a leprechaun that lives there. "Ask the leprechaun to marry you and each time the leprechaun says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the leprechaun on the other side, sitting on a log.
"Leprechaun, will you marry me?"
The leprechaun looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
Paddy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"
The leprechaun rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Zappo! -- Paddy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Leprechaun, will you marry me?"
The irritated leprechaun yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"
~ your thoughts create your reality ~
good morning to u too star ...
What is better than opening my eyes on jokes and humor ??
Thanks for the smile u draw on ma face
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http://www.showcaseyourmusic.com/LittleGuitarist
"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
.. one for the road? won't that hurt?
~ your thoughts create your reality ~
glad you liked..
~ your thoughts create your reality ~
Generic-looking green van parked across the street with Notre Dame bumper sticker.
Every time you turn around the pitter-pattering stops and that green fire hydrant seems to have gotten a little closer.
Green lipstick marks on the butt of your Dockers.
You're being followed by a large woman with a sultry voice and a dying career. (Oops! That's a sign you're being stalked by Chaka Khan.)
You don't recall owning an anatomically correct lawn gnome.
Card delivered with the bouquet of 4-leaf clovers reads, "I bet you're magically delicious!"
When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing from the cupboard and your parrot is singing "Danny Boy."
Prank caller has a really corny Irish accent, and Richard Gere has an airtight alibi.
Those tiny green hairs on your toilet seat.
Sultry voice from shower soap dish asks, "Is that your shillelagh, or are you just happy to see me?"
Pink hearts, yellow moons, blue diamonds scratched on your car at knee-level, and Ross Perot is nowhere to be found.
Them little green pellets in the litter box ain't M&M's, Chester.
Every day this week you've noticed the same buckle shoes dangling just above the floor in the stall next to you.
~ your thoughts create your reality ~
A female goes to a doc and tells the doc make one more hole down the the doc got shocked what?? why?? the female says business is getting way too much better too many customers i need one more branch :D
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sigh..don't know if i type slow or QL is really fast...my reply always comes in late...
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'to be sure, to be sure'
~ your thoughts create your reality ~
Good morning naughty star .. good ones .. liked them ..
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http://www.showcaseyourmusic.com/LittleGuitarist
"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
...........one for the lady n one for the road......
.do it right - the first time!
Be Honest plz how come you know they use 2 condoms :D
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lol...they do? really? two?..am waiting for the silly (?) answer...:D
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"TO BE SURE, TO BE SURE!"
~ your thoughts create your reality ~
Coz coz coz they are way thin need some thickness :D
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(anyone for a guess here?)
~ your thoughts create your reality ~
Two buddies were sharing drinks in Murphy's bar while discussing their wives.
"Does your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.
"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"
"Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead."
~ your thoughts create your reality ~
what's a good time in the day for u? :)
~ your thoughts create your reality ~
Jeez! Gimme a chance to get a second coffee down my throat before starting with the Irish jokes lol
whatever floats your boat, matey :))
~ your thoughts create your reality ~
Shag for 500??? is that an elephant?? :D
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