Customer care

This was posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas Website
by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of
course, does not have a sense of humour, and made the web department take
it down immediately. (For once, the "IMPORTANT" note at the end is worth
a read too.)

>>Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order
>>to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out
>>the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is
>>not required, but the information will help us to develop new products
>>that best meet your needs and desires.
>>
>>1. [_] Mr.
>> [_] Mrs.
>> [_] Ms.
>> [_] Miss
>> [_] Lt.
>> [_] Gen.
>> [_] Comrade
>> [_] Classified
>> [_] Other
>>
>> First Name: ............................ Initial: .........
>>
>> Last Name:..................................
>>
>> Password: ........................ (max. 8 char)
>>
>> Code Name:............................................. ............
>>
>> Latitude - Longitude - Altitude:....................................
>>
>>2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
>> [_] F-14 Tomcat
>> [_] F-15 Eagle
>> [_] F-16 Falcon
>> [_] F-117A Stealth
>> [_] Classified
>>
>>3. Date of purchase (year / month / day): ......./....... /......
>>
>>4. Serial Number: .............................................
>>
>>5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
>> [_] Received as gift / aid package
>> [_] Catalogue / showroom
>> [_] Independent arms broker
>> [_] Mail order
>> [_] Discount store
>> [_] Government surplus
>> [_] Classified
>>
>>6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product
>>you have just purchased:
>> [_] Heard loud noise, looked up
>> [_] Store display
>> [_] Espionage
>> [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
>> [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
>> [_] Was attacked by one
>>
>>7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your
>>decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
>> [_] Style / appearance
>> [_] Speed / maneuverability
>> [_] Price / value
>> [_] Comfort / convenience
>> [_] Kickback / bribe
>> [_] Recommended by salesperson
>> [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
>> [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
>> [_] Backroom politics
>> [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
>>
>>8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
>> [_] North America
>> [_] Iraq
>> [_] Iraq
>> [_] Aircraft carrier
>> [_] Iraq
>> [_] Europe
>> [_] Iraq
>> [_] Middle East (not Iraq)
>> [_] Iraq
>> [_] Africa
>> [_] Iraq
>> [_] Asia / Far East
>> [_] Iraq
>> [_] Miscellaneous Third World countries
>> [_] Iraq
>> [_] Classified
>> [_] Iraq
>>
>>9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to
>>purchase in the near future:
>> [_] Color TV
>> [_] VCR
>> [_] ICBM
>> [_] Killer Satellite
>> [_] CD Player
>> [_] Air-to-Air Missiles
>> [_] Space Shuttle
>> [_] Home Computer
>> [_] Nuclear Weapon
>>
>>10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Indicate all
>>that apply)
>> [_] Communist / Socialist
>> [_] Terrorist
>> [_] Crazed
>> [_] Neutral
>> [_] Democratic
>> [_] Dictatorship
>> [_] Corrupt
>> [_] Primitive / Tribal
>>
>>11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
>> [_] Deficit spending
>> [_] Cash
>> [_] Suitcases of cocaine
>> [_] Oil revenues
>> [_] Personal check
>> [_] Credit card
>> [_] Ransom money
>> [_] Traveler's check
>>
>>12. Your occupation:
>> [_] Homemaker
>> [_] Sales / marketing
>> [_] Revolutionary
>> [_] Clerical
>> [_] Mercenary
>> [_] Tyrant
>> [_] Middle management
>> [_] Eccentric billionaire
>> [_] Defense Minister / General
>> [_] Retired
>> [_] Student
>>
>>13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the
>>interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
>>participating on a regular basis:
>> [_] Golf
>> [_] Boating / sailing
>> [_] Sabotage
>> [_] Running / jogging
>> [_] Propaganda / misinformation
>> [_] Destabilization / overthrow
>> [_] Default on loans
>> [_] Gardening
>> [_] Crafts
>> [_] Black market / smuggling
>> [_] Collectibles / collections
>> [_] Watching sports on TV
>> [_] Wines
>> [_] Interrogation / torture
>> [_] Household pets
>> [_] Crushing rebellions
>> [_] Espionage / reconnaissance
>> [_] Fashion clothing
>> [_] Border disputes
>> [_] Mutually Assured Destruction
>>
>>Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
>>answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas
>>serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive
>>mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist
>>groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this
>>survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert
>>Thunder Sweepstakes!
>>
>>Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
>>McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department, Military Aerospace
>>Division
>>
>>IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual
>>addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is
>>confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with
>>low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs.
>>
>>If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution
>>or copying of this email is not authorized (either explicitly or
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>>word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other
>>than in this warning, it does not have any legal or no grammatical use and
>>may
>>be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email,
>>though the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you.
>>Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified
>>to learn there is no hidden message revealed by reading this backwards,
>>so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a
>>complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure
>>that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this eMail
>>in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk, and place in a
>>warm oven for 40 minutes.