A Child’s Guide to US Foreign Policy

Sorry don't know if this has been posted before but here goes

US Politics FAQ: A
Child’s Guide to US Foreign Policy

Note: A little lengthy
but nevertheless a good read. I enjoyed it. Hope you do
to

Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack
Iraq?
A: Because they had weapons
of mass destruction honey.

Q: But the inspectors didn’t find any weapons
of mass destruction.
A: That’s because the Iraqis were hiding them.

Q:
And that’s why we invaded Iraq?
A: Yep. Invasions always
work better than inspections.

Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL
didn’t find any weapons of mass destruction, did we?
A: That’s because the
weapons are so well hidden. Don’t worry, we’ll find something, probably right
before the 2008 election.

Q: Why did Iraq
want all those weapons of mass destruction?
A: To use them in a war,
silly.

Q: I’m confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned
to use in a war, then why didn’t they use any of those weapons when we went to
war with them?
A: Well, obviously they didn’t want anyone to know they had
those weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend
themselves.

Q: That doesn’t make sense Daddy. Why would they choose to
die if they had all those big weapons to fight us back with?
A: It’s a
different culture. It’s not supposed to make sense.

Q: I don’t know about
you, but I don’t think they had any of those weapons our government said they
did.
A: Well, you know, it doesn’t matter whether or not they had those
weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.

Q: And what
was that?
A: Even if Iraq didn’t have weapons of mass
destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason
to invade another country.

Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that
makes it OK to invade his country?
A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his
own people.

Q: Kind of like what they do in China?
A: Don’t go comparing
China to Iraq.
China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave
wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.

Q:
So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it’s a
good country, even if that country tortures people?
A: Right.

Q: Why
were people in Iraq being tortured?
A: For
political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized
the government in Iraq were sent to prison and
tortured.

Q: Isn’t that exactly what happens in China?
A: I told you, China
is different.

Q: What’s the difference between China and Iraq?
A: Well, for one thing,
Iraq was ruled by the Ba’ath
party, while China is Communist.

Q: Didn’t
you once tell me Communists were bad?
A: No, just Cuban Communists are
bad.

Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?
A: Well, for one thing,
people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and
tortured.

Q: Like in Iraq?
A: Exactly.

Q: And
like in China, too?
A: I told you,
China’s a good economic competitor.
Cuba, on the other hand, is not.

Q: How come Cuba
isn’t a good economic competitor?
A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s,
our government passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or
do any business with Cuba until they stopped being communists and started being
capitalists like us.

Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade
with Cuba, and started doing business with
them, wouldn’t that help the Cubans become capitalists?
A: Don’t be a
smart-***.

Q: I didn’t think I was being one.
A: Well, anyway, they
also don’t have freedom of religion in Cuba.

Q: Kind of like
China and the Falun Gong
movement?
A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China.
Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he’s not really
a legitimate leader anyway.

Q: What’s a military coup?
A: That’s when
a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of
holding free elections like we do in the United
States.

Q: Didn’t the ruler of
Pakistan come to power by a military
coup?
A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.

Q: Why
is Pakistan our friend if their leader
is illegitimate?
A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.

Q:
Didn’t you just say a military general who comes to power by forcibly
overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an illegitimate
leader?
A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he
helped us invade Afghanistan.

Q: Why did we
invade Afghanistan?
A: Because of what
they did to us on September 11th.

Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September
11th?
A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men, fifteen of them Saudi
Arabians, hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings, killing
over 3,000 Americans.

Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all
that?
A: Afghanistan was where those bad men
trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban.

Q: Aren’t the Taliban
those bad radical Islamics who chopped off people’s heads and hands?
A: Yes,
that’s exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people’s heads and
hands, but they oppressed women, too.

Q: Didn’t the Bush administration
give the Taliban 43 million dollars back in May of 2001?
A: Yes, but that
money was a reward because they did such a good job fighting drugs.

Q:
Fighting drugs?
A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from
growing opium poppies.

Q: How did they do such a good job?
A: Simple.
If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands
and heads cut off.

Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people’s heads and
hands for growing flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people’s heads and
hands off for other reasons?
A: Yes. It’s OK with us if radical Islamic
fundamentalists cut off people’s hands for growing flowers, but it’s cruel if
they cut off people’s hands for stealing bread.

Q: Don’t they also cut
off people’s hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?
A: That’s different.
Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced
them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the
penalty for women who did not comply.

Q: Don’t Saudi women have to wear
burqas in public, too?
A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic
body covering.

Q: What’s the difference?
A: The traditional Islamic
covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all
of a woman’s body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand,
is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman’s body
except for her eyes and fingers.

Q: It sounds like the same thing with a
different name.
A: Now, don’t go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi
Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.

Q:
But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from
Saudi
Arabia.
A: Yes, but they trained in
Afghanistan.

Q: Who trained
them?
A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.

Q: Was he from
Afghanistan?
A: Uh, no, he was
from Saudi
Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad
man.

Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.
A: Only when we
helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the
1980s.

Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald
Reagan talked about?
A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they
have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.

Q: So
the Soviets ? I mean, the Russians ? are now our friends?
A: Well, not
really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being
Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq,
so we’re mad at them now. We’re also mad at the French and the Germans because
they didn’t help us invade Iraq either.

Q: So the French
and Germans are evil, too?
A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we
had to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom
Toast.

Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn’t do
what we want them to do?
A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies,
we invade.

Q: But wasn’t Iraq one of our friends back in the
1980s?
A: Well, yeah. For a while.

Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of
Iraq back then?
A: Yes, but at the
time he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend,
temporarily.

Q: Why did that make him our friend?
A: Because at that
time, Iran was our enemy.

Q: Isn’t
that when he gassed the Kurds?
A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against
Iran at the time, we looked the other
way, to show him we were his friend.

Q: So anyone who fights against one
of our enemies automatically becomes our friend?
A: Most of the time,
yes.

Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically
an enemy?
A: Sometimes that’s true, too. However, if American corporations
can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the
better.

Q: Why?
A: Because war is good for the economy, which means
war is good for America. Also, since God is on
America’s side, anyone who opposes
war is a godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked
Iraq?

Q: I think so. We
attacked them because God wanted us to, right?
A: Yes.

Q: But how did
we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?
A: Well, you see, God
personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do.

Q: So
basically, what you’re saying is that we attacked Iraq
because George W. Bush hears voices in his head?
A: Yes! You finally
understand how the world works. Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable,
and go to sleep. Good night.