what i couldn't say when he said he missed me

i
was talking to someone that i had not spoken to after a long
time..after a lot of silence and unanswered questions he said one
day: “you know, i missed the hell the out of you”..

and i wanted to say

could you?

could you miss my liquored breath and

drunken lies after i sold my soul for a
bottle of wine out of me?

could you miss my heavy hungers that
rise

like black winged creatures and spread
like umbrellas that flay through the rain

and shape the shadows out of me?

could you miss the under the breath
curses of shame

that peel raw wounds of regret and

claim my history out of me?

could you miss the crossroads, the dark
hours,

the wrong turns and the broken parts
out of me?

could you miss the lies that crushed
the light out of me?

could you miss the brokenness that
dragged desire out of me?

could you miss the smell of his skin
out of me?

could you miss the burning for
yearned-for truths

that misplaced words out of me?

could you miss the monster under the
bed and the closet of snakes that hiss out of me?

could you miss his memory out of me?

could you miss the hell out of
me,

miss the hell out of me and take all
the fire that conceives it

keeping watch on its flame

but if you say it

and it stays

don't expect me to say it back

-carrie