Could you be a retrosexual?
IN the Nineties, being dubbed a metrosexual was a one-way ticket to getting your leg over.
The metrosexual man’s idol was David Beckham, he happily spent money on nice clothes – and listened to women.
But a new book by Dave Besley hails the birth of “retrosexual” male – he never cries in public and thinks foreplay is a Coldplay tribute band.
It’s about shrugging off the nancy-boy image and getting back to being real men. Here are the rules . . .
First, check you're not a metrosexual.
You are one if . . .
You find gay men come on to you and you feel flattered.
You carry a manbag (aka a purse to normal blokes) and your suitcase, no matter how small, has wheels.
You like to go “commando”.
You call men’s toiletries “products”.
You know your hairdresser’s name.
You know what a manicure, pedicure, facial or exfoliation is.
Click below for pictures of legend retrosexuals
Retrosexual rules of physical contact :
A firmly-gripped hand and two shakes are permitted on meeting or departing.
One congratulatory hearty slap on the back is permitted after a birth/divorce announcement or a score of more than a hundred at darts.
Sporting congratulations can consist of either of the above or a small ruffle of the hair (A playful exchange of small punches can be OK, but steer clear of wrestling, leg entanglement or any grappling which brings the faces into close proximity.)
When officially accepted as being drunk, a man can hug, lick and kiss any other man – provided he apologises within 12 hours of sobering up.
The Retrosexual man's checklist for decision making
Will anyone die?
Do I care?
Retrosexual shopping basket :
Box of 12 cans of lager
Bottle of Jack Daniel’s
Two ready meal curries – extra hot
Two tins of Heinz beans
Two Pot Noodles
Large bag of potatoes
One large steak
Toilet rolls
Large slab of economy cheddar cheese
PG Tips tea bags
Six eggs
First date rules for a Retrosexual :
Say something nice about her looks but in a way that shows a lack of understanding: “That’s a nice badge, brooch-type thing you’re wearing.”
If she starts banging on about stuff that doesn’t interest you, the general rule is nod twice and smile at 20-second intervals.
Be assertive. Be prepared to order for her at the restaurant and try to send some element of your meal back to show you mean business.
The Retrosexual guide to sex
Foreplay. Get her to send a text when she’s ready. You’ll be down the pub.
Matchoftheday Interruptus. The opening bars of MOTD’s theme tune overheard on a telly while doing the business has put many a retrosexual bloke off his stroke. Try to blot it out and hurry up with the job in hand.
Post-coital behaviour. The retrosexual man must never:
1. Whisper: “I’m sorry.”
2. Cry.
3. Declare undying love. Instead assume a silent reverie. (Picturing a freshly cooked full English will help.)
Confused by all these 'sexuals'?
Here's your guide
METROSEXUAL: Bloke who likes aftershave, designer clothes and a back, sack & crack.
RETROSEXUAL: Hairy-chested pint drinker. He won’t apologise for farting in front of the missus.
DEBTROSEXUAL: Wears the latest designer togs despite being up to his eyeballs in debt.
PETROSEXUAL: Bloke who is “owned” by his girlfriend in the way one may own a dog.
WETROSEXUAL: Wants people to think he’s hard but secretly he’s scared of spiders.
FRETROSEXUAL: Is in a panic because he doesn’t fit into any of the above categories.
The Retrosexual Manual: How To Be a Real Man by Dave Besley (Prion Books), priced £12.99, is available now.
im a textrosexual i text to much
^_^
lol,.. as long as you only do it when you're drunk!!!!!!!
*farrrrrrt*
what I,mm only human
....
oh ya that is so true ..
i tend to do that as well
when i get drunk i seem to like touching other a lot ..
licking faces , touching them , giving em little kisses
both gals / boys ...
hmmmmmmmm
lol tig, just dont keep holding your fart in.. you wouldn't want them going up your spine to your brain...
"Everything in this book may be wrong." Illusions: The Adventures of The Reluctant Messiah by Richard Bach
lol tig, just dont let us hear it........ ;P
If you can burp, then you can surely fart.. Just keep one end tightly shut and blow!
I can do some pretty gross burps though. Maybe that's why I am no good at farting. I run out of gas.
Just call me Tigasin. That's what I'm talking about
lol tig, i am not making you anything at all... just following up on MP's new term... lol
Tigasin is NOT gay....can't 2 guys just admire each others peak physiques without....oh, erm....I guess when you put it that way it does kinda sound a little....oh nevermind....back to work! =p
Stay safe all.
Perfection does not exist. The question therefore, is: what level of imperfection are we willing to settle for?
You are making me defensive again. Okay, so I admit it, I am not much of a farter. It probably just means that I am eating the wrong foods. Just because I don't fart much doesn't mean I am gay.
Just call me Tigasin. That's what I'm talking about
what about the outfarting part? lol
Well it costs a lot of money to continuously look good....that's why I DEMAND a refund! LOL
Stay safe.
Perfection does not exist. The question therefore, is: what level of imperfection are we willing to settle for?
I just call my friend Indorachel (she is on QL) and she makes it and brings it over. What's so difficult about that? Its really good too.
Just call me Tigasin. That's what I'm talking about
That's what i'd do IF I were allowed out of the house....see my comment above about the new category lol
Stay safe man.
Perfection does not exist. The question therefore, is: what level of imperfection are we willing to settle for?
Tigasin is in Peak Physical Condition...
just aswell as his car isn't and neither is his bank balance
Put on womens clothing, and hang around in bars....
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NIL ILLEGITIMI CARBORUNDUM
After due consideration I dont think making coffee means you are gay.
It probably means you need some rocket fuel to propel you to work after a late night of debauchery ...
Tigasin what happened...you were in PEAK physical condition when I last saw you....don't tell me you've let yourself go??? LOL =p
Stay safe bro.
Perfection does not exist. The question therefore, is: what level of imperfection are we willing to settle for?
Pretty much anyone can out drink me and okay I admit it, Gypsy could probably take me. But she is exceptionally strong for a chick.
Just call me Tigasin. That's what I'm talking about
The brits and the yanks having a war of words to prove who is gayer lol....this battle of whits is fascinating...I just LOVE unarmed combat!LOL =p j/k boys.
The real men are up north eh? I'm a lumberjack and that's ok....I sleep all night and I work all day...
P.S. My cooking repertoire is pretty impressive and i'm neither a momma's boy nor a nancy....you forgot one category: Whipped husband! LOL
Stay safe all.
Perfection does not exist. The question therefore, is: what level of imperfection are we willing to settle for?
world famous Bangers n Mash, followed by a cake, made from a family recipe.
Or, Spicey Indonesian Chicken and rice. still working on the Nasi goreng though....
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NIL ILLEGITIMI CARBORUNDUM
I don't know how to make tea but I can make real good coffee. I have an espresso machine in my crib but that doesn't mean I am gay. Or does it?
Just call me Tigasin. That's what I'm talking about
good on ya MP - so wats yr speciality??
psssst, better out the front than out the back......heheehehhehehhe
you are a chick. Don't ask me the difference because I do not know. With real men like me its just inate.
Just call me Tigasin. That's what I'm talking about
I really a good cooker....whatever yuo want...and delicious also...lol
Les hypocrites,comme les abeilles,ont le miel à la bouche et l'aiguillon caché...
Just to remind you, guys: Who brought the fire? Prometheus. Was he a woman or what??
well, im glad someone agrees with me when i say a man who cooks is sexy... well for some women, it's a big point...
to say its something i rarely do.
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NIL ILLEGITIMI CARBORUNDUM
This is really sad but I am impressed big time if a man knows how to make a cup of tea!
too much cooking though is a bit suspect either they are
a) Nancy boys
b) Mummy's boys
outfart huh, nice one.. why MP, do you know how many times he farts in a day??? lol
Ummm no MP I couldn't out fart him, I don't think I would even try. I'm a lady after all. :P
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a man who cooks??yep that is a sexy man, indeed........now howw many of you blokes can cook ?:P
psssst, better out the front than out the back......heheehehhehehhe
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NIL ILLEGITIMI CARBORUNDUM
yay i learnt somethin new this early morn-woohoo(now who am i gonna use it on??)
psssst, better out the front than out the back......heheehehhehehhe
well, tigasin, i didn't mention your name, did I? why suddenly defensive?? and i surely didn't mean speed dialling a restaurant, well of course, they can whip up a nice meal.. what i meant was the man doing the cooking.. who ever said, cooking was only the missus' job?
Wonder whom i gonna ask to buy for me this book...lol
Please. I can out drink Tig. :P
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No 'nancy boys' is a very old fashioned word for gay men I presume, the phrase can be found in british comedies from the 1970's such as sesame street, captain pugwash and playschool......
Yer big girls blouse !! :P
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NIL ILLEGITIMI CARBORUNDUM
We elected George W Bush didn't we?
Just call me Tigasin. That's what I'm talking about
MR PAUL's world famous Bangers n Mash, or Beans on toast....
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NIL ILLEGITIMI CARBORUNDUM
I can whip up a good meal anytime. I have all the major restaurants on speed dial. And if you think I can't do anything at all, you are wrong, I can operate the remote control with my toes, and drink a beer while standing on my head. That's real talent if you ask me. Better than Mr Paul who puts his apron on to make his pot noodles!
Just call me Tigasin. That's what I'm talking about
nancy boys??wasnt it NANCY DREW and HARDY BOYS??i got my cables crossed again---geeezzz
so where is HARDY Boys???
psssst, better out the front than out the back......heheehehhehehhe
classic British comedy.
Comedy, something the yanks cannot do !
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NIL ILLEGITIMI CARBORUNDUM
well, if you ask me.. i would rather have a man who knows how to whip up a good meal, and knows how to do it all than one who is just a lousy, son-of-a-b* who cant do anything at all...
lmao MP.... ain't half hot mum...lmao....
he likes to think hes tough, but hes a big old softy...
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NIL ILLEGITIMI CARBORUNDUM
that was the last time i ever heard that been used...
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NIL ILLEGITIMI CARBORUNDUM
well, just coz a man can make a nice pot noodle or knows where the supermarket check out is, it doesn't mean he's a nancy boy... not true at all.......
'nancy' boys? lol is that a British expression lol? Are you sure? The word you are looking for is shirt lifters or fudge budgers....;)
And yer speak French ! thats about as gay as it comes...
yankee fag. :D
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NIL ILLEGITIMI CARBORUNDUM
To use your British expression, you are both a pair of nancy boys. You should move in together and braid each other's hair. A real man like me has no idea what or where a supermarket checkout is or how to cook anything, let alone something as sophisticated as a pot noodle. I might be scared of spiders but you guys are 90% estrogen.
Dry your eyes boys and toughen up!
Just call me Tigasin. That's what I'm talking about
Just the right amount of water and stirring.....
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NIL ILLEGITIMI CARBORUNDUM
I need to ask one question..
How the hell do you make a good Pot Noodle?
I've tried, but after the first two helpings, it always seems to taste like rubber..
Wetrosexuals... thats fine... I love trapping spiders, playing with snakes and stamping on cockcroaches... killing scorpions...cuddling lions etc
I consider it a major hobby.......
can't do the farty/beer stuff neither the new age man stuff.
full of Beer, and steak in the freezer section.Add to that a cupboard of tinned foods and yer have everything yer need....
Plus, the takeout is only a phone call away !
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NIL ILLEGITIMI CARBORUNDUM
Be proud of your Sinality ! Is thata word ?
Move over David Beckham and the shaved nether regions, we men are making a comeback..
britexpat...nah he doesn't touch the demon drink, I do that for him......nah he's categoryless bless him.....
being single is not a crime,.. well, if it was, then that would make me a criminal too.. lol
You could do what mine does Mr. Paul and just eat dinner take out every night. I was wondering why he only had a bar fridge, then I opened it up and saw that all that was in it was a case of beer and a jar of mustard.
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hard as nails but scared of spiders. Well, they are kind of creepy right?
Just call me Tigasin. That's what I'm talking about
And i get a bit fed up, when im at the checkout, and the lady serving sees my "singley" basket of foods, and throws me a look like yer would look at a sick kitten....
Argh, is it a crime to be single ?
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NIL ILLEGITIMI CARBORUNDUM
Good for You!
SuperNurse..He likes footy, drinks beer,Likes beans.. I won't ask about the foreplay..
I would say he's 90% Retrosexual..
Especially the Beer, very hot "ready made curries for one" and the steaks....
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NIL ILLEGITIMI CARBORUNDUM
MP,... does that mean you fart in front of the missus?? lol
when he was officially accepted as being drunk,he can hug, kiss and lick another man,.. if he apologizes within 12 hours of sobering up... still its gross even when drunk.. lol
I'm not one, but I am dating one.
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gawd, my hubby doesn't fall into any category! He must be freterosexual then...
Probably explains a lot of stuff in my life :D
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NIL ILLEGITIMI CARBORUNDUM
Where was that??? I must have missed it!
good one.. but the kissing and licking part with men, kinda gross... lol