Choosing a wife

Younger women, yes... Uneducated, no... Intelligent women should be admire not condemn though they need to graduate early to get married young... ;)

Pilgram...lol... no issues with me actually... saw that question coming at some point in time, may be, with different texture and tone ... was just trying to extend a helping hand to the two of you...:)

You said: "MIKE - love your signature line only i would change the word People to MEN"

Now read your own words again and you will understand why he put the word "people".

I'm writing from a blackberry at a stupid exhibition happy. Give me a break on the grammer. :p when the text gets too long I can't see it to see if I've made mistakes.

I think you wanted to write "too" and not 'to' bewteen stepping & far...:)

Arecel just ignore cabbage, she believes any woman not barefoot, pregnant and chained to the kitchen sink is stepping to far into a man's world.

xxKie if I didn't know better, I would say you were making pointless posts to get your points up.

gud work tinker

I am sure she is 'just a little' annoyed by you speaking on her behalf.

Good for you though - shows a good friendship :-)

...just a little! :)

Good for her!

Never doubted her intelligence at all; I was answering her question and debating the OP; as she was.

I am sure she is very glad she has friends on her side but as an intelligent strong woman who already feels that men are intimidated by her strength and intelligence she may not like you defending her stance.

I am sure she is capable of doing that herself.

Again - I could be wrong :-)

You're little wrong, dear cabbage

Arecel is an intelligent, funny, and very well-educated woman!

Proud to have a friend like her!

PS:

She really knows how to cook delicious Japanese food!

witweew...

Sorry - but the Teacher in me has to do this.

By the way, he then asked me to out to dinner. He apparently had not been out to dinner with a smart woman for a long time.

I declined.

witweew... (its witwooo) :-)

I am guessing your spoken English is better.

You asked the question and the answer given by me was not to your liking :-)

I of course was not present at this dinner so of course I cannot comment on the way this supposed nod to your 'strength' was vocalised.

You have since come back with additional information but I still hazard a guess that this more mature man was being very diplomatic to how you presented yourself.

Of course I could be wrong.

and btw, he invited me for dinner that time because, as what he said, he enjoyed talking to smart women. and that it has been a long time since he speak to one.;-). i declined.

cabbage, i was not "too in their faces" as you nicely put it. the man who told me this is a new acquaintance, we met at a mutual friend's house get together. over dinner, we- he, me and all the friends at the dinner table- talked about life in doha, life in the home countries then on to current events like the european crisis. and the man is a lot older than me, like 10 years or so. so what you posted as the reason for the comment is very unlikely.

My wife is stronger..she emits 120 dB when she shouts, I squeak at 50 dB.

She is smart and creative...can create an issue with any non-issue.

I don't think they are intimidated at all - what they are MAYBE feeling/thinking; is you are too in their faces and trying to be one of them instead of just being a 'bright woman'. I think that was a nice way of telling you something.

This is a common mistake with some women who want to fit into a male environment. You can be bright and sassy but men don’t like it when you cross the line.

I could be very wrong :-)

this is not bragging or anything but a male acquaintance (not of my nationality) told me that the probably the reason why i am still single is because i am too smart. though i find it funny, i can't help thinking about this comment. do men in general really get intimated by strong smart women?

I think it is very sad that this is about ‘choosing’ a wife. Should it not be that we fall in love with whomever and it works?

I realise there are some cultures (including the West) were of course there are ‘arranged marriages’ – so of course; breeding, education and background comes into play.

Most of us fall in love and with that falling in love there comes shared knowledge and interests – without that what we have to talk about and share?

When I first met my husband I loved the fact we shared views and ideas and we could laugh and have a chat about a wide variety of subjects. However, like Brit, I am more qualified in some ways than my husband.

Who earns the most? My husband; am I bothered by this? No.

If the *hit hit the fan with his job, I know back home I could earn (perhaps not the same) but enough to keep us all. Does that bother him? I think it would have done at what time as that may have questioned his masculinity – now we are older and wiser not so much now.

Men do not purposely go out to get a woman who is not as educated but I do think that women think or acknowledge at some level that this man ‘can look after her’.

I would say divorce is in every type of marriage so are kids and peace.

The less you think about it the more it becomes spontaneous and alive.

Dude... must've been smoking somethin else in that sheesha.

...

gadarene...agree... and sincerely hope I can develop some of it, soon...:)

@ happygolucky,you need patience to live in this town mate! :)...& apologies for hijacking the thread,other (non Indian!) opinions on the OP please...

If I read correctly the OP was not about marriages in INDIA and related issues....:) So if we are done with India can we leave the floor open for others to have a broad based discussion and insight ..well, only if they want to.

@gadarene ...you got patience man...:)

@ Tinker,FYI i'm from the South as well,deep South to be exact! :)

As for the scenario described by me,it's been around for about 2 decades now,what you're saying is,you didn't realize it existed till a few years ago! :)

As for the matrimonial forums,the websites get ALL types of people so again can't generalize there...what you're referring to is the NEWSPAPER matrimonial columns,the websites get different types of Indians,including the educated,urban,open minded variety looking for a similar partner,again this variety is a minority but again,in Indian terms,a minority is still a LOT of people...

My wife & i belong to this minority as do all our friends,both here,back home & everywhere else on the planet & we're happy & proud to be who we are & proud to be Indian,both male & female Indians! :)...

I have enjoyed reading your fascinating discussion ladies. As someone who is only vaguely familiar with India, this has been enlightening. Thank you.

Flantop--Sorry, I'm not gay, so you will have to look elsewhere for a date. But I can see why an uneducated barbarian such as yourself would confuse my belief that women are men's equals with a lack of masculinity. Good luck to you as your endeavor to live in the stone age.

Tinker Bell thanks for replying and sorry for the long post. Basically I understand your view - women should be empowered by eductaion. My view - This is the sole responsiblity of parents and the WOMEN THEMSELVES as they have all the opportunity available. Apologies if I misunderstood some of your points.

Tinkerbell, you are ignoring my questions :-(

frenchieman can you tell us your husband's age although you are male.. but asking because you seems french gay...

:)

Tinkerbell, I have a few points and would like to know your outlook.

1. You are surely talking about the upper middle class which constitutes a fairly small population of India. Let's say you belonged to the lower class / lower middle class family where your salary really did matter and you were FORCED to work no matter what - how will you react to that ?

2. In India education is free (government schools) for girls upto O level (+2) and thus I have seen girls are more educated than boys in the urban areas. And an MD degree or M.E. degree (most boys opt for these) is equivalent to post graduate which almost all the girls have as college fees is nominal. Agree or not ?

3. You remember that Abhishek, SRK, Aamir Khan (ex-wife) and Sunil Dutt all had wives older to them. I know that it is not a very big issue in many Indian families. Do you agree ?

4. As for women getting paid better, imagine the poor families in India (quite a percentage) where women has to work hard and probably contributes more money to her household. Many middle class 'business families' also have women contributing more to family kitty. I feel it is the work strees associated with well paid jobs which worries an Indian men as they are masochistic in their outlook. I know few Indian families where doctor wives are getting paid better and husbands have no issue. What is your say on this particularly if the wife is doctor.

5. Lastly about beauty parlour. Indian men also want to show off their wives to other men. So why would they stop them from going to the parlour is a puzzle to me. However, if they do, is'nt it liberating as they are not shallow.

6. As for doormat, I feel poor Indian husbands are in a worse state (only because of the patriarchal society) where they have to earn while the wives have easy. Have'nt seen a girl in India marrying unemployed men and feeding him. What say ?

@ Tinker,Afrin & all other (Indian!) man haters out there,i do sincerely hope for your sakes that you meet the kind of Indian man that i'm referring to but for that to happen you must first actually believe & accept the fact that such Indian men do exist(like i said earlier,a minority yes but a 'minority' out of a population of close to TWO BILLION & that's WITHOUT counting the Indian diaspora spread out across the planet!),seems to me that just because you've never met these kind of Indian men,you refuse to accept or believe that they even exist!...

As for "arranged marriages" in India,(this is for your info. as well frenchieman!),here's how it works in my community,guy's parents show guy girl's picture or vice versa & ask their son/daughter if they like the pic. & would like to meet the guy/girl,if yes, the guy/girl set up a 'date' to meet BY THEMSELVES,over coffee or dinner or whatever,if the first meeting goes well,they continue to meet up,talk on the phone etc. getting to know each other better,if after a period of time,they feel like they can spend the rest of their lives with each other,the parents "arrange" the wedding...doesn't really sound very "forced" to me,does it to anyone else?...

As for "matrimonial columns",PLEASE! my wife,myself & our friends read that crap when someone brings a newspaper from back home & we want a laugh!!! It's hilarious some of the stuff people write! Yes,they are our fellow Indians but we laugh at their levels of ignorance & stupidity...so i say again,not ALL Indian men(& women!) are the same,so whoever it is out there trying to paint ALL Indian men(or women!) with the same brush,i would request you to stop now...'cos it's just not true!...

because of the following, she will never look that I am less than her in beauty or fortune or tribe wise, a religious will always help me to do the good things.

A true religious wife will prove that in her acts, a fake religious wife will be like nice box from the outside but inside the box there is nothing.

polkadots--sounds good to me, especially if I got to stay home all day lounging at the pool and playing tennis ;-)

Tinker, it does not only happen in your society. Why do you think you see some many western ,old, potbellied guys here with young, very young often, wives on their arms?

lot of Qlers here are supported/sponsored by their wifes

Yes, definitly there s no perfect receipe for a successful marriage.... understanding each other helps... I am an Indian, nd back home, most of the husbands r elder than their wives... I got married to my wife who is 6 months elder to me... i came to know after proposing her ;).... we never had til date have any prob for the age.... she is matured and quite offten advices me on certain issues nd she does it gr8. I am an MBA and she is a nurse, but out here in Qatar, she earns more than me.... we are happy for tat nd I dont mind if she earns more than me, coz in the end, we are enjoying....

Life Rockz

Men on QL, please confirm:-

HELL-Married couple where she is taller, more educated , richer, better looking,better employed,works over time on some days,buys gifts for her hubby dear, and calls him "Baby"

HEVEN-Substitute He for the word She.

brit was left high and dry by his cuban shot putter :(

Brit,

I thought you were...

sorry to disappoint you Brit..:(

...there is always a next time..:)

You're already married ?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! :O(

Hmmm.. Can't say this is a problem affecting most Western couples. I know couples of all different age and education levels and while money (or the lack thereof) is often a reason for fighting and divorce, who's making more rarely is.

agree with tinker..as i have seen some couples like that.

Wow! I had not idea.

Tinkerbell--do the ads really list 'fair complexion'? What does a fair complexion signify--is it beauty or a reflexion of social status?

they aren't trolls, they are shameless and homeless creatures...:(

trolls still abound QL after all... *sigh*

do da do da oh do da day. ole!!

lol FS i second you !

some coward created an id just to bash women..lol

Is that it would defer from man to man, society to society, culture to culture...get the drift. No one size fits all here! Most men I've known though, and I do come from a huge multicultural family, have preferred well educated, younger women oh and they have to be beautiful too. Never mind that he may very well be older and lookin it! But of course we also know of men who preferred otherwise. A friend of mine was a divorcee and from a very simple background and remarried a guy who was then one of THE most eligible bachelors and never married before. At that time it was a mega shocker to many..so there!

I don’t think age is an important factor, but yes…. the reason for many failed marriages are bcos of wives being more successful than husbands..and financially more independent…even though men deny this..its a fact! and some men are even ashamed to accept that they are divorced….

I am happily married….as I am illiterate …and younger to my man...lol

Kareena74--Interesting point about chastity (and that a man's chastity is not an equal part of the equation).

I guess not all prefer younger less educated women... what is more important is to treat her well once you meet.

As regards to spouse preference:

'Abdullah ibn 'Amr ibn al-'As reported that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "This world is enjoyment, and the best of its enjoyment is a righteous woman."

As regards to spouse relation:

Abu Hurayra stated, "The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, 'The most perfect of believers in belief is the best of them in character. The best of you are those who are the best to their women.'" [at-Tirmidhi]

For the information of Afrinnabees and Tb.

As per my Indian friend there are still plenty (means plenty) of women in India who prefer to be inferior to their husbands and they are not interested or willing to be superior to their husbands. It is a mind set.

I think you should start a survery now.

when men will start responding agressively with the list of women negatives...with some bad names preferably!!!!!

Comeon folks....can't we grow up a little and realise that every person is a unique package that, if related to, you have to handle both his / her positives and negatives.

However, on a second thought, I still don't get the piont of a man preferring woman of higher education (not the age part now); might it be for any other reason than her salary?

hmm i think in most of the cases it doesnot matter whether wife is more or less educated then husband.but husband should be well educated to support his family n wife.

Rizkyriks... i am fine.. not in fighting mood but in expressing Mode.. Only few places we get to express our thoughts... i should use it atleast..

Afrinbumblebee u r in a fighting mood today...:(

How u doing baby ?

Virgins aren't all they are cracked up to be ;)

Yup tinky.. exp teaches

I should have been killed in the Womb, Rather

To be jailed in this world...

Tinker.. The good news for you is that there are few good men left.

The bad news is that they all have boyfriends..:P

not a fora to ask unwanted questions

"Pure white virginal woman"... sounds like a racist comment....:)

An unexperienced virgin? Pure horror!!

There is another resaon why men prefer to marry younger woman.. They assume that the older the woman gets, the less likely she would still be chaste. I suppose you are well aware that a woman's chastity and purity is a major issue in our society so a woman in her last teens or early twenties is inexperienced and probably did not get much exposure to the real world but the older a woman gets, she becomes more independent and more likely to have few dating experiences and failed relationships.. Men do not want that, they want a pure white virginal woman.. Hence the trend of marrying very young girls just out of school..

tinkerbell, you are right, they're all pigs... this is why I love women!

TInky.. i think we both have same home country.. And u r right.. i completely.. agree with ur thoughts.. i have seen men searching for a slave and not for a wife...And most of womens back home is used to this slavery.. and never they wanna come out of it.. and dont allow their future generations also to get out of the box...

I know it for a fact because I have gone thru it myself. Men do not want to marry women in their thirties. A 38 year old divorced man with 2 kids refused to marry a 36 year old woman because he thought that she might be reproductively challanged. Once a woman crosses 25, the chances of her getting married start getting less with every passing year and once she crosses thirty, it is almost impossible for her to find a suitable guy and once she crosses 35, she is a confirmed spinster / old maid... This is how the men think in our community and no matter what you say or do, you can't change them.. Period.

alrayyankrazy--how do you know this? Are you speaking from personal experience?

@ tinkerbell,whoa relax! i already told you,i AGREE with you...i do hope you meet some Indian men from that minority so you will change your opinion because right now,quite frankly,you seem to HATE Indian men although you haven't explicitly stated it,it's pretty obvious from your posts!...i don't blame you,i know of the kind of Indian men you're referring to,they're the kind that make me ashamed to be an Indian man but as a certain Mr. Dylan said,'times, they are a changing'!!! We all live in hope now don't we?!...

Tinkerbell--as point of clarification, in India are men or women in their 20s and 30s more likely to be better educated and employable?

That's obviously a simplified 'African' view.

@ Tinkerbell,would it be fair to say that your opinion is true based on YOUR experiences?...don't get me wrong here,i'm with you on this one,i agree 100% that the majority of Indian men(your nationality says Indian,i'm safely assuming you're referring to Indian men & you're being honest about your nationality!) do have superiority complexes when it comes to their spouses but 'not allowing them to go to the beauty parlour' 'having to take permission to go out & meet friends'??? Seriously,i'm Indian as are most of my friends here & even back home where i come from,i can assure you,there is NONE of this kind of crap & yes before you say that i'm talking about a small minority of "liberated,urban Indians" i would say that @ 2 billion people,even that "small minority" is a LOT of people & the numbers are growing,no question about it,one might not sense it living in this backward town but it's VERY evident back home...again, 'back home' for you is obviously not the same as 'back home' for me as India is a HUGE country but having said that,i just want to point out to you that simply because one hasn't experienced something doesn't mean it doesn't exist,fair enough?...

TB..when you are in a discussion it is naive to cover your argument by playing the card upfront stating anyone arguing differently has a concocted view and what you state is the only truth...but anyways no point in carrying on any further as that is not what OP is about, I would drop it here.

jjj75--spoken like an empowered woman!

I think the subject is important. And here is ONE locally applicable example. Qatari women are increasingly better educated than the men--more likely to university and FAR more likely to pursue graduate studies. For example, there are virtually no male Qataris in Cornel's medical school, despite preferential admissions for locals, and many female Qataris. Because this shift in education has taken place in less than a decade (in the US and UK this trend has taken 2-3 generations), this complicates the marriage market for a native population that is deeply concerned about growth.

Not wanting to risk the snarky Britexpat accusing me of having an alternative agenda, this is just ONE example from the place most of us live. There are, of course, many, many others around the globe.

its not about Muslims. Its all in Asia , despite of any religion. there is a trend to marry younger girls.

At age of 25, Muhammad (S.A.W) wed, the 40 year old Hazrat Khadijah.

Anyway, i agreed with JJJ75.

Put away any considerations such as religion or education and you will realize that in most cultures, some men just want to feel that others are depending on them.

I think we're on the same page Tinkerbell. I'm also convinced that most Western men feel the same way, albeit more secretly. But I'm with LP that doormat wives are dull and the quickest way to divorce for people like me.

Britexpat--it wouldn't be the first time you went looking for something that wasn't there :-)

You give me too much credit for subtlety.

This is a pointless debate

Tinkerbell...out of all the homes in India (I am presuming you are talking of India when you refer to back home...else you can ignore) how many homes would you have walked in thus far...

You are not talking about 'men', Tinker. You are talking about insecure 'monkeys'. Please, don't insult us MEN!

Tinkerbell, it makes a man feel more BORED if he has a 'doormat' as wife!

Let's agree to disagree :O)

Get over it Britexpat; I don't have an alternative agenda.

1. I read this article.

2. It got me thinking about if what she wrote about a specific group (Muslims professionals in the US) is also true for other professionals people such as the likes that post on QL.

3. To give people the opportunity to draw their own conclusions, I provided both the article that inspired me and the larger question.

You could have also pointed out that the article is about Americans, but that just wouldn't be snarky enough would it? :-)

Tinkerbell--I wouldn't apply this to all men, but it shows how insecure SOME men can be. In cultures where this sort of thing is the norm, I think it highlights expectations of the subordinate status of women.

My wife has higher educational qualifications then me :o(

What shall I do ?

What's the fun in having more superior wife?

May be her salary!!!!!

All depends what you want from a wife

I take offence Tinks

It doesn't raise any question. Some do, and some don't. In general, there is no law about it. Only statistics. But statistics can be fabricated.

If you didn't want religion to be discussed, then wouldn't it have been more advisable to just ask "the larger question" :o)