Mixed Nuts

LupiN
By LupiN

GREEN JOKES

Dalawang mag-amiga naglasing. Pag-uwi nadumi sila at sa sementeryo inabutan, ng isa ginamit ang panty pamunas tsaka tinapon. Yung isa, nakakita ng bouquet ng flower sa puntod at ginawang pamunas. Kinabukasan, sabi ng mga asawa nila:
Juan: Pare, bantayan natin mga misis natin…Misis ko umuwi kagabi walang panty!
Pedro: Mas grabe misis ko pare…Merong card nakadikit sa puwet na may nakasulat "We'll never forget you.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::
In the middle of a baptismal rite, a bishop officiating said:
"Ang lambot naman ng ulo ng bata…"
The pretty mother replied: "Father…dede ko po yan!"
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Tatay (ngongo): Muk'a mo mapute!
Nanay: Di naman, ah.
Tatay: Muk'a mo mapute!
Nanay: Di nga sabi mapute eh!
Tatay: (shouting) Ang sabi ko, MUK'A MO MAPUTE!!!
(anak nagising.....)
Anak: Ma, ang sabi ni papa... IBUKA MO MABUTE!
Naman o, istorbo...! HUmmppp!!!!
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Atty: Ano?? idedemanda mo boss mo ng sexual harrassment!!! dahil lang sa sinabihan kang mabango ang buhok mo!!!ano masama dun???
Girl: your honor, UNANO!!! ang boss ko.. UNANO!!!

BISAYA JUKS

Grabe kadtong kasakay nako sa bus, naay sige kiss, dile maulaw!
Ganahan pud and girl uy!
Gihubo pa niya iyang Bra, kita jud ang b0obs nya!
Bata pa raba ang girl, 20 pa!
Pero mas bata ang boy, 6 month's!
:::::::::::::::::::::::::
Si Tikoy nagka-on nga nakapatong iyang tiil sa bangketo ug ang sud-an niya asin.
Taud-taud, kalit nga may nama-ak sa iyang itlog ug iya kining gikumot.
"Tunto kang ok-oka ka ha, nag agwanta gani ko ug asin... unya ikaw pa itlo-itlog lang"!
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Anak: Tay padalhi ko ug kuwarta kay pulos na buslot ako bref....
Tatay: Anak, dili jud ko makapadala kwarta, ako gani diri pulos na lang garter ang nabilin sa ako bref.....
Anak: Ah.....igatang tatay uy, nag T-BAK na lang ka diha!
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Tungang gabie, Hot kayo si misis, hawop2 nya ilong ni mister, gi gitik ang li-og,
Dala pamarayeg nga hung2 sa dungan, "love wala na koy panty".
Tubag ni mister "Ha! Cge lang, tulog na diha kay ugma palitan tika!"
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Son: Tay kasab-an ko ako maestro ganina!
Tatay: Ha! Ngano man?
Son: Ako gi kiss-san ako seatmate ganina!
Tatay: Anak gyud taka, liwat jud ka nako dah! He,he,he nya lami bah?
Son: pirteng lamea tay uy, gwapo kayo siya uy as in to the max!

MIXED JOKES

Teacher: Panget ng name mo, Conrado Domingo! In short, CONDOM!
Student: Ok lang po ma'am! Pero mas pangit sa husband ninyo. Supronio Potenciano! In short, SUPOT!
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Ina: Anak! Dumudugo daliri mo! Akina't ccpcpin ko dali! Tsup!Tsup! Ayan, wwla na. San ka ba nasugatan anak?
Anak: Wala po akong sugat 'nay, pinatay ko lng po mga garapata ni browny!
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Noel: Pare, pag nagkaanak ako, Leon ipapangalan ko. Kabaligtaran ng pangalan ko.
Nino: Sige, ako Onin ipapangalan ko. Kabaligttaran din ng pangalan ko.
Toto: Wag na wag nyo ako isasama dyan sa usapan nyo!
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Anak: Itay, ano sa English ang utot?
Ama: Wind of change...
Anak: Eh yung utot na walang tunog?
Ama: Sound of Silence.
Anak: Yung utot na may dalang ebak?
Ama: Dust in the wind.
Anak: Eh, yung di sinasadyang utot?
Ama: Careless whisper!
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Pulubi: Palimos po ng cake.
Ale: Aba , sosyal ka ah! Namalimos ka lang, gusto mo pang cake.. eto pandesal!
Pulubi: Duh! Ate?! Bday ko kaya today?!?
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Boy1: nkakakawa naman lola mo.
Boy2: bakit?
Boy1: nakasabay ko kasi magsimba nung isang araw, ubo ng ubo. Pinagtitinginan nga ng tao.
Boy2: papansin lang yun!
Boy1: bakit?
Boy2: bago kasi blouse niya!
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Misis: Hindi ko na kaya 'to! Araw-araw nalang tayong nag-aaway Mabuti pa, umalis na ako sa bahay na 'to!
Mister: Ako rin, sawang-sawa na! Away rito,away roon! Mabuti pa siguro, sumama na ako sa 'yo!
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Boy: Nanliligaw biglang nautot.
Girl: Blacky alis diyan sa ilalim ng sofa.
Boy: Buti bintang siya sa aso (sabay utot uli).
Girl: Blacky sabi alis diyan baka mataihan ka!
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::;
Wife: Hudas ka! lagi kang umuuwing lasing. Naaasar na tuloy ako sa mukha mo.
Husband: Pero mahal, kung hindi ako lasing, ako naman ang maaasar sa mukha mo!

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