JOKE Time!!! Pampatanggal ng Antok...(sana) hehehe

“Good friends are made of sugar and spice…but my friends are made of Red Horse and ice.”
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Without romance, love gets dry.
Without respect, love gets lost.
Without caring, love gets boring.
Without honesty, love gets unhappy.
Without sex… pucha, break na!
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Bakit ganoon ang pag-ibig?
Kailangang masaktan, magparaya, magpasensya, magpaloko?
Nakabubulag. Minsan tuloy, naisip ko…
Ano ba sa English ang ’santol’? Alam mo ba?
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Kung amoy putok ka…
BE PROUD!
Pinagpawisan mo ‘yan, eh!
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I had a dream about you. I smiled and recalled the memories we had. Then, I noticed that tears were falling from out eyes.
Know why?
Because in my dream… magkasama tayo… naghihiwa ng sibuyas.
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MISIS: Hindi ko na kaya ‘to! Araw-araw na lang tayong nag-aaway! Mabuti pa, umalis na ‘ko sa bahay na ‘to!
MISTER: Ako rin, sawang-sawa na! Away rito, away roon! Mabuti pa siguro, sumama na ‘ko sa ‘yo!
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POCHOLO: Ano ba talaga? Mahal mo ba ‘ko?
SAMUEL: Hindi ko alam. Oo. Mahal kita. Pero… tsk… tsk… tsk…
POCHOLO: Pero ano? (bumuntung-hini­nga) Pahiram nga ng reading glass.
SAMUEL: Bakit?
POCHOLO: Ang labo mo, eh!
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Pakisabi nga sa mga nagte-text ng chain messages na tigilan na nila ‘yan!
Kasi, pucha, hindi na nakatutuwa!
Pass this to 50 friends and make a wish…
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Kapag sumikat ang araw, sisikat din tayo
Sabi ko naman sa ‘yo, lagi akong andito
Kahit kailan, kaibigan mo ako
At ‘yan ay paninindigan ko
Ngayong matindi ang ulan
Ang isa’t isa ang ating takbuhan
Sumilong ka lang sa aking payong
Ayong, yong, yong, yong
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O, ano, gets mo na? UMBRELLA ‘yan, Tagalog version.
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Mansanas pantalon, ang sapatos may buhok
Lahat sila, nakatingin sa iyo
Ay, nadapa!
Bigla-bigla, nag-spaghetti
Pababa ba ba ba
Pawis na at kupas
Ang sapatos, may sintas
Paikut-ikot
Puwet, pinalong ma­lakas
Ay, nadapa!
Bigla-bigla, nag-spaghetti
Pababa ba ba
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LOW, Tagalog version
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I was watching NBA and I noticed that the pla­yers, no matter how tired they are, they just keep on playing!
How I wish I could be like those basketball players… matangkad!
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Dati, hindi lahat ng lalaki ay gwapo.
Ngayon, hindi lahat ng gwapo ay lalaki.
***
GIRL: Ano’ng tini­tingin-tingin mo riyan?!
BOY: Sorry. Akala ko kasi, maganda ka. Hindi pala.
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ANAK: Itay, ilan ang ‘R’ sa correspondent… isa o dalawa?
ITAY: Tatluhin mo na para sigurado.
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TOMAS: Pare, ang lakas ng boses mo! Tuwang-tuwa ako! Mukhang natuto ka nang lumaban kay mare, ah?!
ANDRES: Wala siya kagabi, pare, kaya nagpraktis ako!
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JUAN: Pare, kailan mo balak bayaran ang utang mong P64?!
PEDRO: O, eto, may P100 ako. May P36 ka?
JUAN: Wala. Pero may P50 ako. May P14 ka?
PEDRO: Wala rin, eh. May P20 ako rito. May P6 ka?
JUAN: May P10 ako. May P4 ka?
PEDRO: May P5 ako. May piso ka?
JUAN: Oo. Eto, me­ron.
(Ibinayad ni Pedro ang P1. Ibinigay ni Juan ang piso.)
PEDRO: Ayan, ha… wala na akong utang!
JUAN: Sige, pare. Sa­lamat. Ingat!
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T: Ano ang sinabi ng zero sa 8?
S: “Ang sikip naman ng belt mo!”
T: Ano ang sinabi ng 9 sa 6?
S: “Ang laki naman ng tiyan mo!”
T: Ano ang sinabi ng 6 sa 9?
S: “Kuba!”
T: Ano ang sinabi ni O kay Q?
S: “Uy! Mag-brief ka naman!”
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Q: What do an ambulance, a train, a fire engine, a police car, an airplane, a woman and a man have in common?
A: They all make noise when they are coming.
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T: Ano ang taeng hindi nakikita?
S: ‘Yung taeng nata­pakan. (Tatapakan mo ‘yun kung nakita mo?)
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T: Ano ang pagkakaiba ng H2O sa C2O?
S: Ang H2O ay water. Ang C2O ay cold water.
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T: Ano ang sasabihin mo kapag pinagalitan ka ng parents mo dahil
amoy-alak at amoy-sigarilyo ka?
S: “I got stinky. I got dirty. But see? I learned.”
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If we were an ice cream at McDonald’s… we would be McFlirty.
Eh kung Jollibee?
Swirlybitch tayo.
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English/Tagalog
ENGLISH: For Official Use Only
TAGALOG: Kabit Ni Congressman
ENGLISH: Blind Curve
TAGALOG: Bulag Na Kuba
ENGLISH: Blind Item
TAGALOG: Bulag Na Ita
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Pagyaman ko, magtatayo ako ng mental hospital at aalagaan ko ang mga sira-ulo. Syem­pre, may bayad.
Pero dahil tropa tayo… LIBRE ka!
Uy! Masaya na siya!
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WORLD TRADE NEWS:
Isang panibagong pro­dukto na gawa ng Pinoy!
Super-pandikit, super-dikit, super-kapit!
Hindi mo maaalis, hindi mo matatanggal!
ATE GLU!
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Patterned after LAS VEGAS , our Tourism officials pronounce that the Philippines might as well be called LESS BIGAS.
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“Loko ka pala, eh! Ala­ngan namang ako ang iiwas sa ‘yo para hindi ka mahulog sa akin. Hindi ko naman ginusto dahil mapapahiya ka lang. Don’t worry, hindi ko ipagsasabi na na-fall ka sa ‘kin!” – KANAL
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“Nasubukan mo na ba akong kainin? Masarap ako, sinisipsip o kaya dini­dilaan kapag may tumulo sa katawan ko. Kahit may balat ako, kinakain pa rin. Try mo ako!” – ICE CANDY
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“Hindi lahat ng party ay masaya.” — THIRD PARTY
“Hindi lahat ng 13 ay malas.” – 13th MONTH PAY
“Hindi lahat ng ne­gative, nakalulungkot.” – PREGNANCY TEST
“Hindi lahat ng positive, ipinagsasaya.” – HIV+
“Hindi lahat ng hinog ay masustansya.” – PIGSA
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Sa isang beauty contest…
JUDGE: What do you think is your best feature?
CONTESTANT: Umm… my best feature is… I think… ok, guys… Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! I told you I was confident but this was my first pageant so I was not totally and really confident. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! O, sige, eto na lang… my best feature is my gra­duation feature. Thank you!
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T: Ano ang tawag sa maliit na tsunami?
S: Tsunano. [Baby Chinito]
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Sa tindahan ni Aling Nena…
TOTOY: Pabili po ng criminal water.
ALING NENA: Crimi­nal water? Baka mineral water, iho?
TOTOY: Hindi po. Tatay ko po ang iinom. Kri­minal po ‘yon. Kaya cri­minal water.