Life

Thank you all for your advices especially Angel, Eagle and dm.

dms - agreed.

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Don't want no drama,

No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama

Teluguy - "someday u think its ok the other day you think no..."

It's normal to oscillate between negatives and positives but if your frame of mind is anchored, like on the love for your wife and kids, say when you're feeling negative, focus on those.

We all deal with this, different things to different people, different levels of severity, etc. but we ALL deal with this and so we have anchors in our minds to stabilize. We don't dwell too much on what's missing in our lives but focus on what we have and are thankful for. It works and the negative emotions will pass. And if you consciously put aside the negative thoughts, with practice, it'll be a habit and you'll be almost perfect and won't need to concentrate too much in time. It'll come easily to you, you won't even notice it.

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Don't want no drama,

No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama

you are referring to is unavoidable, whether it's a love lost from opposite gender or your family or close relatives. It is how to overcome these emotions which gives us the challenge to move on.

I would still agree with that saying because one thing is sure, no man had never love even once thru his lifetime. Love is what makes this world go on. It is how you carry this burden that will test your life itself. Learning from lost love and applying it in the present will make you a stronger person.

"dgoodrebel will always be the rebellious good one"

Communication is very important in any relationship. Try to open up with her and tell what you want because if you will not say it she will not know exactly your expectations. Both of you should be open-minded to make the most of your marriage life. Now if one of you is self-centered.. that's the problem! Think of your kids, they are God's gift that bonds you together.. don't let anybody destroy the marriage even its an arrange marriage.

Happiness is not getting what you want, but being content with what you have.

dmigtysolomon, "may we asked if you have realized that thing you are missing? Or are we still searching for that neddle in the haystack?"

I think he's realized it (perhaps even from before but it helps to talk about it so things become clearer) and so have we.

The saying goes that the 1st cut is the deepest and yes, tubelight is right - "that missing something was missing even at the start" of his marriage because he didn't settle himself emotionally before he took the step and responsibility to get married.

It's normal human nature to want or pine for what one cannot have or what one has lost. The saying that it's better to have loved and lost than to never love at all - is untrue. The former leaves emotional baggage like this.

But it takes great courage and character to overcome that and move on. Holding a candle for someone who is no longer yours is a waste of your precious time and your life. And you only hurt yourself and the people you love around you. I hope you find your way, to settle yourself once and for all. Where there is a will, there's a way. Anything is possible. All the best to you.

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Don't want no drama,

No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama

What am I doing Owen? I am not relaxing...

I think the problems are not for the individuals but for the world. When I said I am suffering people rushed to advice things. When I said i am happy they ask why? strange...

Dude, if I tell this now it doesn't mean I didn't feel it before...

someday u think its ok the other day you think no...

Its life anyway... a struggle..

They break your heart and waltz off into the sunset scattering the pieces in the wind ...:(

so i was right, it was another woman .. from your past though..who broke your heart..

hmm i might be wrong but i dont think you all of a sudden at this stage in life you felt that there was something missing in your life. the thought was always there from the very start of this relatioship. you still want to stay loyal to the feelings you once had for that woman, otherwise you would never have mentioned her. let go buddy..

i might sound cruel (and i apologise) but was it really your heart that was hurt? i think you will find it was your ego that was hurt.

what makes you unhappy in your relationship? what do you want more in your life? (question taken from your post) how do you know that your wife is not struggling as you do, but instead of complaining she is working it out?

[img_assist|nid=12867|link=none|align=left|width=|height=0]Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.

Mighty, I will continue to miss what I am missing but also continue to love my wife..

Love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants it, everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it, those who do will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all, never... never forget it.

"Something made greater by ourselves and in turn that makes us greater".

I close my eyes when I kiss because the other person is uglier than me!

damn net :(

producing kids that difficult brit?!!!

you are trying to figure out what is missing in your life that is why you are having a second thought about your marital life. Out of the many posting done by fellow Qlers, may we asked if you have realized that thing you are missing? Or are we still searching for that neddle in the haystack?

"dgoodrebel will always be the rebellious good one"

You close your eyes when you cry?

chaud

Some of the greater things in life are unseen thats why you close your eyes when you kiss, cry, or dream...

"Something made greater by ourselves and in turn that makes us greater".

"It took time for our relationship to mature. In the process we had 4 beutiful kids ............... "

So, everything was fine whilst producing the kids and enjoying "rumpy-pumpy"

Its only afterwards that you started having second thoughts..

I think your wife deserves a medal and an apology from you!

lool wat u thin ? :)

lol..Pajju... Are you joking or are you asking him??? ;)

life? we only have one.

if you don't like something/someone -fixe it.

if you can;t fixe it -change it

chaud

No, Pajju its not...

lol free publicity for the movie in the end... no thanks....

so this story from this film ?

Thanks folks who responded. Actually a girl broke my heart before I ended up in this arranged marriage. It took time for our relationship to mature. In the process we had 4 beutiful kids and we are happy as i said in my original post. Well for the missing thing, you might have imagined by now..For the other missing thing that some people guessed I think its not unique to me as most after a certain period in the relationship begin to feel..

Anyway thanks grown up people out there I will add some more sole to my shoes now.

Yes Drac my kids are nice and cute anyone would like to kiss them not just me, don't you ofcourse..

Thanks eagleemanuel for your valuable suggestions..

The title of my thread is Life and people tried to define it the best way possible..

Watch Bollywood movie 'Rab ne banadi Jodi' starring Shahrukh khan, the bollywood king..you will enjoy...

"If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be

greater and lesser persons than yourself." - Desiderata

Want for more doesn't always mean better. Sometimes the simplest of things brings the most happiness and satisfaction.

"Love is like a Rhino, short-sighted and hasty;

if it cannot find a way, It will make a way"

I would like to add to what you said Candidman that sometimes in life it is the emotional attachment that may bring two people together first. no matter how many mills and boon one has read, its the humility acquired while struggling through the hardships of life with someone that keeps the relationship going.

I see there are two stages of marriage or relationship. The first or initial stage is the stage where bonding between the 2 people is largely on physical attraction. The next stage is the stage where the relationship evolves or transform to an emotional attachment. In the second stage, people carry on with their marriage based on the bonding through emotional attachment to each other.

The time of the transition from first stage to the second stage varies from individuals to individuals.

Unfortunately, many people, especially the young ones or the romantic idealistic trashy romance novel lovers, are too naive to believe that their marriage can stay in the first stage forever and ever, In the worse case, they even believe they can have both stages at all time.

As for the Teluguy, I guess he might have successfully reached the second stage but the problem is he believes that there are rainbows to be chased. Eagle is right that he should not compare with others.

Sag - "You admit men get comfort in other women's company then you say you are looking for that ideal man who is not among them..."

- I look for an ideal man who is not among the married or attached, yes. And ideal according to my values, not perfection, of which there is no such thing.

"Nope - shoot him."

I don't think so as you are doing the mistake of marrying him...

- This is the only portion where your comprehension was ok. You are right, in the sense that if I chose to marry him, I will take responsibility for my own actions and do something proactive. But as I said you misunderstood the post and I repeat, yet again, that it was a joke.

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Don't want no drama,

No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama

oh dracula, that was great sound advice...

eagle mam said

"I have met quite a number of married men who tell me that they've never met someone like me before, they really feel THE connection, very comfortable with me, how they are unhappy with their wives, something missing, how they deserve happiness ... bs...."

You admit men get comfort in other women's company then you say you are looking for that ideal man who is not among them...gud luck..because most men find what the other person eating as delicious..

"It's his choice what he wants to do, takes the advise or leaves it. .."

By the way, what your advice has to do with teleguy when he has decided what he is gonna do..

"Nope - shoot him."

I don't think so as you are doing the mistake of marrying him...anyway why shoot him when you have the other option open...

Now i am asking myself: "do arranged marriages work?"

Opinions tend to differ.

Statistics place the divorce rate for arranged marriages much lower than those in the US or EU, where marriages out of love are the rule.

Teluguy, can love grow out of an arranged marriage?

Absolutely, and in the same way that love can grow in romance novels from a marriage of convenience.

Love can grow for many reasons, from lust at first sight to friendship that develops over a long period of time.

It’s impossible to predict whether a union will be successful.

The only two people who can make it work are the bride and groom, the hero and heroine of their OWN story.

.

Kiss your kids, Teluguy!

.

Sag, "say somebody shoot me if I ever do, not him right?"

Nope - shoot him.

"But there is a different view of marriage in the Indian subcontinent where even the prettiest feel to be insulted(or devatated?) being divorced..."

You have a point there. My statement in that earlier post you were replying to was not in reference to the Original Poster or his post. It was in relation to me personally. My view of marriage is not of the Indian Subcontinent and never will be.

/And don't get me wrong, people. I have a lot of friends in arranged marriages back home in MY so I do know what many of the challenges are. You people are assuming that I have no idea and I'm just talking off the top of my head. I'm Asian and I do know more than you think. My view is my opinion and what I choose to do with my life. Take it or leave it. It doesn't matter to me. Just hope that a different view helps another make his/her own decision. That's all.

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Don't want no drama,

No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama

Candidcam, my last post was just a joke. And it wasn't targeted at you, even though I quoted you. I had already said what was necessary in my earlier posts and I was fair, whether you thought so or not is irrelevant to me.

I believe exactly what you posted - the only thing constant in life is change etc.. but most times, you cannot sugar coat everything. Some people do have to wake up. It's his choice what he wants to do, takes the advise or leaves it.

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Don't want no drama,

No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama

Eagle mam, say somebody shoot me if I ever do, not him right? The fact that you are able to write here is enough to make a living for yourself and therefore that confidence. But there is a different view of marriage in the Indian subcontinent where even the prettiest feel to be insulted(or devatated?) being divorced...

eaglemmanuel, I don't wish you to have a husband like him but can't you see him being honest telling it as it is to us, strangers? He was just trying to tell us what he's experiencing with his own feelings and thoughts in his heads right now. He's simply reaching out for some advices and help to deal with his own thoughts. Why can't we just deal with him without condemning or passing our own moral judgement? Why can't we accept the fact that we are just humans born with imperfection and life itself is impermanence? That people do grow and change over time? I know many people would simply walk out of the marriage but this guy at least doesn't do so and instead vowed that he'll stay with the wife until death do them part. I personally don't believe in zero sum game which dictates that one must have it all or none at all. I believe in what so called the "Middle Way", which in this context means he should stay with the wife. If he can't love her as a perfect wife that his illusion is telling him, at least he could love her as a mother of his children.

spend quality time with your wife and together do something that you dont usually do, take some adventure together to keep the love burning and alive.

Candicam - ".. honour his decision until the day he dies. He might no longer see his wife as a physically attractive and desirable woman, and/or perhaps as an intellectually stimulating woman, but I am sure he will continue loving her as a mother of his children."

God help me if I ever marry a man like this. I'd rather not be a wife in name only and as just mother to his children. Somebody shoot him if I ever do.

/I can bring up the kids on my own. Thanks.

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Don't want no drama,

No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama

Tubelight's post - aiyayayai!

I have met quite a number of married men who tell me that they've never met someone like me before, they really feel THE connection, very comfortable with me, how they are unhappy with their wives, something missing, how they deserve happiness ... bs. I tell them what I said in my 1st post above and refuse to meet them unless in public places.. and they ask me why? *rolls eyes*

A man of substance stands by his decision. Divorce the wife he says he loves and who (presumably) loves him and remarry? Out of the frying pan and into the fire! Appreciate what you've got while you have it.

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Don't want no drama,

No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama

mjamille28, there's no point asking him to look back and question why he agreed to the marriage in the first place. It's a done deal and we know that the nature of life is impermanent. People change, people grow. People fall in love, but people also fall out of love. Nevertheless, what I think is important, is that he has said that he will honour his decision until the day he dies. He might no longer see his wife as a physically attractive and desirable woman, and/or perhaps as an intellectually stimulating woman, but I am sure he will continue loving her as a mother of his children.

Teluguy, I believe no amount of opinions or advices would suffice for you as long as you still believe in your head that there's a rainbow to be chased, that the source of true happiness lies, not within yourself, but in other people.

Grow up Teluguy.....

I think its time to grow up!

then why did you agree to the arranged marriage in the first place?

have you recently met someone whom you have felt really comfortable with+she has made you think you deserve better. now it has become a fight between your conscience and the greedy self.

are you waiting for someone to come along and say, i relate to you mate, remarry. you have a right to be happy. :p

the greater the happiness, the bigger the trials mate

watch what you are asking for from life

Teleguy, no matter what you do accept it you're destined for her and likewise. In life, you have to be creative. Marriage requires one to be able to lead with example. Take the lead, make the bold move tha you've never did before and I'm pretty sure that you'll achieve satisfaction in whatever you need/do. In marriage, the two of you are one entity. Therefore whatever decision you've reached, it has to be to the satisfaction of both of you and your family. It's never too late to take the first bold move. Do it .... don't procastinate!

Teluguy - "I just think I haven't enjoyed this life as many others do"

So that's the root of the problem. Try not to compare yourself with others. When you do, you will never be happy. There will always be someone smarter than you, richer than you, have a more beautiful wife than you, have loads more fun than you, etc. the list is endless.

Have you thought about other people who are dumber than you, poorer than you, etc?

There are pros and cons to every situation - whether work, marriage, friendship, etc. Life is what you make of it, by God's grace. Focus on the positives, like how good/kind your wife is to you, taking care of you, etc.

/Routine and depression - have a hobby so you continue to learn and grow as a person.

Did you say that since you got married, your attention and focus is her? Then before familiarity breeds contempt, have a hobby separate from home. Err... isn't this why guys have football while the gals go shopping? Living in each other's pockets is suffocating.

Important to have leisure time together to grow together as a family and leisure time (not work time) apart to grow individually. There's a balance to be struck and I agree that with the busy work schedules to earn money and then home to wife and family, it's very difficult to balance out. Perhaps this is the actual root of your problem, the other one simply being secondary or added on.

May you find that balance you need. All the best to you.

Mighty wheres your advise? Theres something to consider in your coment anyway. I am not Gay and I think Iam ok healthswise. So answer ur questions urself and advise..thanks a lot for the coments though..

How right you are.. I fell out of love with my Cuban Shot Putter because of her demands.. Its a choice I made :(

actually i was about to ask the same question...

hmmmm...

No one falls inlove by choice, it is by chance.. No one stays in love by chance, it is by work.. and no one falls out of love by chance.. its is by choice!!

why is it that I feel you are just transferring your problem to others? You have a ready reactions to every advice given to you and yet, it seems your agony continue. You keep on saying you 're missing something, what do you want, we guess what that thing?

Well, tell us, are you gay? Are you not satisfied with a woman? Or are your sex life not enough or can not be satisfied by your wife?

Go and get professional help, maybe your problem is health? or emotional? or anything because you are not looking for advice from us, you are looking for discussion regarding your marital life!

"dgoodrebel will always be the rebellious good one"

Candicam I lived my decision still living and will live till my last breath, theres no doubt in it. I just think I haven't enjoyed this life as many others do..... bit complicated thats why I need your thoughts..

Well brit I made the start the moment I married her and since then my attention and focus id just she..still..I miss something...

.i believed that to be happy and joyful in life, you gotta spend each day with the one you love...

.

.my piece of advise.

.

.file a divorce....

.

.get a life....

.

what do you want to do is the question. how do you think you can change your life? we can agree/disagree with it then.

Perhaps you are in a rut and feel that there is more to life than the daily grind.. Many of us go through this.

Rather than looking for ways out, why not work at making your marriage successful..

Uou say you love her. Well it's a start. Rather than wondering what may be, focus on what is and give her your attention and focus. Get a little romantic and see where it leads..

Anthony deMello, an Indian Jesuit priest, once said that "We are never in love with anyone. We are only in love with our prejudiced and hopeful idea of that person".

So you must have had just awaken from a dream and found that marriage life isn't as rosy as what you expected. Well, like the others said, you have to be man enough to live with your decision.

if you love her? What is missing then?

Maybe you are just thinking too much that there is something LACKING...which in fact there is nothing missing...

Be optimistic...always look at the brigther side of LIFE...

Always pray and ask for his enLIGHTenment and guidance...

I hope and pray that you will find resolution to the emptiness or whatever feeling u r experiencing right now...

I wish you and your wife a more blissful married life...

People struggle to pursue a life of meaning, purpose, joy, happiness; but apart from God they will never reach their full potential. We were created by God for His glory. When people walk their own path, they walk apart from the reason they were created....

Light I love my wife more than anyone in this world but that missing thing gives me some worry that I am loosing in life. Thank you all for your comments. Iam looking for more coments..

A mistake cannot be corrected by another mistake...

I understand how you feel...however, in the first place you agreed with it and chose to marry the woman.

You can always LOVE the person whom you're with as long as you let yourself...

I agree with with deedee Happiness so as LOVE is a state of mind...

Established an open communication with your wife...

and Please Don't compare her to other woman...

Make the most of what you have and enjoy each others moment...

God Bless...

a friend of mine is in the same boat. How do you know that the grass will be greener on the other side? There is no guarantees in anything. I say go to counseling and make the best of the situation, especially since there are children involved. You are only happy when YOU decide to be happy. Happiness is a state of mind.

What is it that you want? What is the more that you are looking for?

You made a decision, live with it. That's character.

Don't justify yourself that it was your parents decision and therefore, their fault. The fact is that you made the decision to follow your parents advice. There's was no choice? There's always a choice, however difficult, whether you make it consciously or by default.

Where there is a will, there is always a way - change your frame of mind and heart and you can be happy in whatever circumstances. Anything is possible.

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Don't want no drama,

No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama