Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
A Horse walked into a bar, barman asked, why the long face?
2 Irish men were walking along the street when they saw a sign "Tree Fellers wanted, apply within" Sean turned to Murphy and said "shame there's only the two of us".
A policeman caught 3 kids playing in a pool after hours, he asked the first what she had been doing "Blowing bubbles" was the reply. He asked the 2nd girl what she had been doing "blowing bubbles". So he said to the boy who was last in line, I guess you have been blowing bubbles as well. "No" replied the boy with a big smile on his face "I'm bubbles"
A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.
He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."
I could relate British humor as a formal way of saying: "You vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous pervert!"
The funniest british comedy tv series has got to be "the royal family" where they all sit drinking tea and watching the TV (as we all do)...one time Chriss Evens was on the tv when Jim says "he's an idiot him" then his daughter says"he's a millionere though"jim says "he's still got ginger bo***cks though"...then hmrs (barb) see "that reminds me,ive got some tangerines in the frige if anyone wants one........
The Seven Words You Can Never Say On QL by George Carlin
A lady was expecting the plumber, he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went, no plumber. Eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock, still no plumber.
She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some shopping. While she was out, the plumber arrived.
He knocked on the door and the lady's parrot, in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"
He replied, "It's the plumber".
He waited but nobody came to the door to let him in.
The plumber knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"
He said, "It's the plumber!"
He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"
He said, "It's the fffing plumber!!!!!!!!"
Again he waited but nobody came to the door.
He knocked again and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"
"It's the ffffing plumber you silly tw@t!'" said he.
Flying into a rage, he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and fell dead in the doorway.
The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "My goodness a dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"
And the parrot said, "It's the fffing plumber you silly tw@t!"
what's Big and white and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?
A refrigerator...
"Your born, You Live, You Die, given this premise, one can conclude since we have no control over when we are born and when we die, the only thing that matters to us should be how we live, simple really?" Mis-Cat to her philosophy Lecturer.
I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man with his dog. It was a sad, funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried it's eyes out and whimpered, and in the funny part the dog barked it's head off and wagged it's tail.
After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.
"That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen", I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film".
The man turned to me and said, "Yes he did, funny thing is he hated the book".
I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a guy riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.
The guy leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!".
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you".
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash in the head of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."
The nuns and the monks decide to have a darts match.
It's the monks turn to throw and the chief friar takes the 'ocky.
His first dart goes in the single twenty, his next arrow hits the treble twenty, and his last arrow rebounds off the wire and hits a nun right in the eye and she falls down, dead as a post.
"a financial crisis" just like the hosting of their "Olympic games" on a very tight Budget. More Double deck buses and cheap "umbrellas".
I believe the days of the Real British humor are long gone.
I used to love to watch Monty Python, Benny Hill, and Keeping Up Appearances, to name a few that have become quite popular outside of the United Kingdom.
A good way, in those days to export British culture around the world.
Besides that, I rather drink my Martini semi dry, Four Ice cubes with three Spanish Olives, that way I could dilute those jokes from the English perspective.
John Adams commented once: Is not the British people is that darn King with his dry smile.
The Seven Words You Can Never Say On QL by George Carlin
A blond thinks her husband is cheating so she goes home and finds him with another woman. In a blind rage she pulls out a gun and sticks it in her mouth. The husband say no honey dont do it, She replies; shut up your next!!
There's worse to come.. How about the three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three"? "274" was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man "It's your turn. What is three times three"? "Tuesday" replys the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man.
"That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday".
Qatar's winter months are brimming with unmissable experiences, from the AFC Asian Cup 2023 to the World Aquatics Championships Doha 2024 and a variety of outdoor adventures and cultural delights.
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Celebrate World Vegan Day with our list of vegan food outlets offering an array of delectable options, spanning from colorful salads to savory shawarma and indulgent desserts.
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
:) i liked three time three...lol
It's the way we tell em..
I doubt the following has dine the rounds in North America..
I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo"
He said "You're closest" .
Why do cows have horns? Because their horns don't work!
=Dura Lex Sed Lex=
An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
We've had most of these jokes in America for as long as I've been around..and believe me, that's a LONG time!!
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,the good fortune to run into the ones I do,and the eyesight to tell the difference.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."
Why did the Lion get lost in the jungle.....?
Because its very big!!
[URL=http://www.avatarist.com]Avatars[/URL]
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
A Horse walked into a bar, barman asked, why the long face?
2 Irish men were walking along the street when they saw a sign "Tree Fellers wanted, apply within" Sean turned to Murphy and said "shame there's only the two of us".
A policeman caught 3 kids playing in a pool after hours, he asked the first what she had been doing "Blowing bubbles" was the reply. He asked the 2nd girl what she had been doing "blowing bubbles". So he said to the boy who was last in line, I guess you have been blowing bubbles as well. "No" replied the boy with a big smile on his face "I'm bubbles"
Love the new one about the Dear...:o)))
Being a pet lover, I went in to a pet shop yesterdai.
I said to the assistant - "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
To get a hit on British Humour you have to spell it right, it has another "U" in it.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.
What do you call a man with a Seagull on his head?
Cliff.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs taking a swim?
Bob.
She was sitting there with a didgeridoo and playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
Nuns are for none.
A Dyslexic man walks into a bra....
A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.
He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."
Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality: We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
Narcissism: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!
Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas.
Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me.
Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town.
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."
Q: What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
A: You can't hear a vitamin...
Just got home and this bloke is waiting at the door.
He says, "Can I come in your house and talk about your cleaning your carpets?".
I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
I used to dress off the peg
Now my nieghbours take their washing in at night.
Old Lady: Do you always play by ear?
Street Musician: Yes, lady, 'ere or 'ereabouts.
There has been a theft at Euro Disney. A man has been charged with taking the Mickey.
Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.
Two men met each other on the beach at Majorca.
One looked at the other and asked, 'Are you brown from the sun?'
'No,' replied the other, 'I'm Smith from The Times.'
____________________________
I said to the train driver "I want to go to Paris".
He said "Eurostar?".
I said "I was on telly once but I'm no Dean Martin".
lol British humour at it's finest?.... :P
I visited the QAWS office today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
British Humour is same as their Cricket Team :)May be a bit better than Bangladesh. Just may be :)))))
Ban Spoon Feeding not Me
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He had no arms!
I could relate British humor as a formal way of saying: "You vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous pervert!"
The funniest british comedy tv series has got to be "the royal family" where they all sit drinking tea and watching the TV (as we all do)...one time Chriss Evens was on the tv when Jim says "he's an idiot him" then his daughter says"he's a millionere though"jim says "he's still got ginger bo***cks though"...then hmrs (barb) see "that reminds me,ive got some tangerines in the frige if anyone wants one........
The Seven Words You Can Never Say On QL by George Carlin
A lady was expecting the plumber, he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went, no plumber. Eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock, still no plumber.
She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some shopping. While she was out, the plumber arrived.
He knocked on the door and the lady's parrot, in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"
He replied, "It's the plumber".
He waited but nobody came to the door to let him in.
The plumber knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"
He said, "It's the plumber!"
He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"
He said, "It's the fffing plumber!!!!!!!!"
Again he waited but nobody came to the door.
He knocked again and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"
"It's the ffffing plumber you silly tw@t!'" said he.
Flying into a rage, he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and fell dead in the doorway.
The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "My goodness a dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"
And the parrot said, "It's the fffing plumber you silly tw@t!"
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '
Why do women marry in white...
coz all kitchen appliances come in white..
-----------------
HE WHO DARES WINS
what's Big and white and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?
A refrigerator...
"Your born, You Live, You Die, given this premise, one can conclude since we have no control over when we are born and when we die, the only thing that matters to us should be how we live, simple really?" Mis-Cat to her philosophy Lecturer.
One for your RP..
What do you call a vicar on a Motorbike.
Rev.
-----------------
HE WHO DARES WINS
I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man with his dog. It was a sad, funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried it's eyes out and whimpered, and in the funny part the dog barked it's head off and wagged it's tail.
After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.
"That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen", I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film".
The man turned to me and said, "Yes he did, funny thing is he hated the book".
I'm glad that you've found a "gentleman's" drink, rather than that gut rot beer of yours..
By the way, did you know that 007 actually has a brother.. His name is Basildon Bond. Not as famous, but has letters after his name..
Did you hear about the cowboy that walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a guy riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.
The guy leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.
Just before he rode off, I yelled out,
"What was all that about?"
And the guy said,
"Nothing, it's just a stage I'm going through".
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!".
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you".
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash in the head of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."
The nuns and the monks decide to have a darts match.
It's the monks turn to throw and the chief friar takes the 'ocky.
His first dart goes in the single twenty, his next arrow hits the treble twenty, and his last arrow rebounds off the wire and hits a nun right in the eye and she falls down, dead as a post.
And the MC shouts, 'Ooone Nun dead and eighty'...
I compare today's British Humor suffering from
"a financial crisis" just like the hosting of their "Olympic games" on a very tight Budget. More Double deck buses and cheap "umbrellas".
I believe the days of the Real British humor are long gone.
I used to love to watch Monty Python, Benny Hill, and Keeping Up Appearances, to name a few that have become quite popular outside of the United Kingdom.
A good way, in those days to export British culture around the world.
Besides that, I rather drink my Martini semi dry, Four Ice cubes with three Spanish Olives, that way I could dilute those jokes from the English perspective.
John Adams commented once: Is not the British people is that darn King with his dry smile.
The Seven Words You Can Never Say On QL by George Carlin
"Had to Google British humor"
First of all: Is it humor or humor?
Anyhow. In both attempts. Here is the result:
Your search - British Humor - did not match any documents.
Suggestions:
Make sure all words are spelled correctly.
Try different keywords.
Try more general keywords.
Try fewer keywords.
===================================== http://www.qatarliving.com/node/58409
Blonde jokes don't count..
Especially for Drac... wherever he is ..
Two nuns were driving through Transylvania when a vampire flew down and landed on the car.
One nun turned to the other and urged "show him your cross".
The nun promptly leaned out the window and yelled "Oi! Fu*k off!"
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Question: Why do men like marrying virgins?
Answer: Cause they cant stand criticism!
Question: Why do men like marrying virgins?
Answer: Cause they cant stand criticism!
Did you hear about Mick? He decided to try Hang Gliding and they found him at the bottom of a cliff with a chicken tied to each shoulder.
3 old women are sitting on a park bench,when suddenly a streaker comes running up up to them.
The first one has a stroke and dies.
The second one has a stroke and dies.
The third one cant reach.....
[img_assist|nid=103941|title=.|desc=|link=none|align=left|width=|height=0]
NIL ILLEGITIMI CARBORUNDUM
A guy is being interrogated by the Gestapo.
'Come on, admit it' says the interrogator, 'Ve know you are a spy'.
'I'm not a spy, I'm a shepherd!' says the guy.
'Ha!' says the interrogator 'Shepherd's Pie!'
A blond thinks her husband is cheating so she goes home and finds him with another woman. In a blind rage she pulls out a gun and sticks it in her mouth. The husband say no honey dont do it, She replies; shut up your next!!
A man goes into a doctor's surgery. 'What can I do for you?' says the Doc. 'Well it's my arm Doc' says the man.
The Doc has a quick look and says 'You've broken it, you'll have to go the hospital to have it set'.
'That's what the other doctor told me' says the man.
'Do you mean you've already seen a doctor?' says the Doc, 'Why did you come to see me then?'
'Well I wanted a second opinion' says the man.
Little Jimmy is riding down the street on his new bicycle and almost hits an old lady crossing the street.
'Oi!' shouts the old lady, 'Get the brakes fixed on that thing!'
'There's nothing wrong with me brakes Missus' says litte Jimmy, 'It's just I can't ride the bike yet'.
Whats big white and round and can't climb trees?
An aspirin! :P
what did the picture say to the wall?
frame: I've been framed!
what is the capital of England?
E!
cheers,
paul
What's green and looks like a bucket?
A green bucket! :-D
Q: Why do elephants paint their feet yellow?
A: So they can hide upside down in bowls of custard
luke warm, but getting there..
ex-expat..
How do you get two whales in a mini ???
A. Down the M4..
Had to Google British humor-
What kind of ears does an engine have? Engineers
Q: How many elephants can you fit into a Mini?
A: Four of course, two in the back and two in the front
Come on.. Join in..
There's worse to come.. How about the three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three"? "274" was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man "It's your turn. What is three times three"? "Tuesday" replys the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man.
"That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday".
What is the longest word in the English language?
Smiles. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!
Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head?
A: Jack
who can jump higher than a 10 story building?
anyone! buildings can't jump!
cheers,
paul
what do you call a man without a spade in his head?
Dougless
what do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Doug
Brit, how could there be any worse?
HA HA HA