Welcome to Hell

In ancient times warriors had to overcome various daunting obstacles in order to prove their mettle as valiant soldiers. They had to battle formidable foes, cross treacherous terrains and occasionally slay a dragon or two. Today, the entire process has been made a bit more compact and now goes by the name of ‘Personal Interview’. The newspapers are full of people who get through classy B-schools or grab packages worth several lakhs. But that is merely adequate compensation for the grey hairs and high blood pressure they acquire during their make-or-break interview. So here’s a guide for those fortunate souls who have yet to enter a room in which the only thing separating three or four savage interviewers from you is a flimsy wooden table. First, there’s no escaping it, you look and feel odd in a two-piece suit with a “matching” tie and two-ton leather shoes. Words like silly and nitwit come to your mind when you look into the mirror and see an investment banker staring back. But there’s a silver lining in every dark coat — you can strangle yourself with the tie if the interview goes too badly.

Then there is the weighty File which contains documented proof that you can do things besides feeding and dressing yourself. Keep it safely. It can be used to bash the interviewer on the head if he refuses to look at it despite your repeated offers. But the most dangerous hurdles in an interview are the ones conducting it. Don’t be misled by their smiles — remember all those deranged psychopaths in the movies who smile the broadest before driving the knife into hapless victims? You are forced to display “positive body language”, discuss your “career progression path” and talk about “strengths” which haven’t manifested themselves yet. And during all this, your interviewer continues smiling softly, interrupting you with a giggle to tell you that your last answer was completely wrong. Curb your desire to murder them right there. What can you do to improve your performance? Learn phrases like “long-term goals” and “self-motivation”. Enrol in kung-fu self-defence classes in case things get too violent during the interview. And, most importantly, believe in God. That way you have someone to complain to in case you don’t get through.

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Welcome to Hell

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