The kindness of strangers...
Something happened today that gave me quite a scare. Now, perhaps it's a cultural difference and I'm interested in hearing perspectives from others on what happened.
I have enjoyed the fairly safe environment Qatar provides for raising children. But, sometimes, I realize that I take that safety for granted. Where I come from, you teach your kids not to talk to strangers. Here, we talk to strangers all the time so we bend some of the rules of our culture because we can here.
First, my young daughter has very light hair and is very outgoing. So, is often friendly with anyone we come into contact with. This is generally not a problem and she loves the attention she gets. Today, we were at a store that we go into frequently. She has met the cashier many, many times and this woman is always very friendly and kind to us. We often say hello to her even if we are not checking out in her line. Today she was either finished with her shift or going on a break and stopped to greet us as we entered the store. After basic greetings she asked my daughter if she wanted to go with her. "Come with me and I'll give you candy". She picked her up and was chatting with her. I'm used to this as my daughter is often offered candy and people like to chat with her (she's only 3). She then put my daughter down and again asked her if she wanted to go with her and get some candy. She then took my daughter's hand and proceeded to WALK AWAY with her. (I've seen this routine many times: "Come with me and I'll give you candy", then they laugh or something but they never walk away with my child. Even the invitation to come with them for candy sounds to me right out of a "how to abduct a child handbook") I can't remember exactly what I said (something probably about us needing to finish our shopping) but the woman said "she wants to go with me" and started to walk away again! Again, I said something about her not being allowed to go, but the woman kept going. I finally had to physically pick my daughter up and tell the woman that I could not allow my daughter to leave with her. She seemed confused and said "but she knows me!". I told her that where I'm from the type of person who would walk off with someone else's child is exactly the kind of person who you do not walking away with your child. (Let me say, though, that I do not actually think this woman had bad intentions for my daughter but, in principle, I cannot allow my daughter to walk away with someone who I do not know VERY well). I said this kindly, but where I'm from this is the kind of thing you notify the police about.
Let's just say that my daughter and I discussed for the rest of the day that she is never, never allowed to leave with someone without asking mommy or daddy.
Ok, so in western countries the only type of person who would offer candy to a child or ask the child to go with them is the type of person who is looking to do something bad. Any "regular" person knows that you NEVER offer children candy or try to take them away from their mothers for ANY reason. Sure we had met this cashier many, many times but greeting someone weekly is not equal to knowing them well enough to allow your small child to go away alone with them.
I want to know from you non-western QLers, is it normal in your country (be sure to mention your country) to offer candy to random children you come across? Also, this is not the first time I have had someone we know slightly say to my daughter (ignoring me), "come with me, I'll give you candy!". These people have been from India, Africa and Arabia so it seems to be fairly common. For an American, this is exactly the scenario we envision when we think of children being abducted because a child is easily lured by candy.
But, really, is it normal for parents in other countries to allow their children to walk away with people they barely know? Not that I'm going to start allowing it with my daughter, but I'm curious to what these people are thinking.
I agree with GIB & PCG and with you for your precaution, But the question asked is an interesting one of national behavior. I lived most my life in Spain and I don't think there is a safer place for kids than there. Its all family there and your child will always team up with another family and wander off.But the parents always give you the nod first. Single people generally are not in the picture as they tend to avoid family set ups so a lone stranger asking a kid to accompany them would stand out like a sore thumb.But when we took our little one on holiday with us the first thing we bought was one of the elastic wrist bands so we could keep the little terror harnessed to one of us at all times!!
Having lived and worked in the region for a while - Yes, it is done within their culture. You will find that your daughter being light haired, many people (especially women) will touch her hair or cuddle her. they see nothing wrong with that and infact regard it as a compliment to you.
let me tell u that u have every right not to allow ur child to walk away with strangers or even get out of ur sight. i'm from egypt, and there it's pretty common for strangers to offer children candy as an act of kindness. some ppl would even be offended, if u refuse to take it from them. (i personally wouldn't want my child to eat sthg that i don't know)
but taking a child out of his parents sight is completely different. come with my i'll give u candy is like u said, the typical thing a kidnapper would do. growing up, we were warned from walking away with ppl we don't know. and that's exactelly the type of things we were warned against, i'll give u candy, i'll take u to ur mum,...etc
yet some parents, maybe out of ignorance, or out of good intentions still allow their children to walk away with ppl they barely know. they believe, if it's just for a minute or sthg, it's okay. that's way child abduction is not unheard of in egypt, and i believe in many arab countries.
u should never let ur child out of ur sight. i don't even allow ppl i don't know to carry my child (he's only 3 months old). a lot of times, in public bathrooms for example, ppl offer to carry my son until i go to the bathroom. or sometimes waitresses in restaurants want to carry him. i politely say, he would cry if someone he doesn't know carries him. i believe that more 90 per cent of the time, ppl rn't planning on running away with him. but i would put my child at such a risk. and i believe no one should risk sthg like that.
love children and miss their own. Simple. We are 'cynical' though and quite rightly so. I am sure this woman is lovely and just wanted to spend innocent time with your child.
Still, you did right as you never really know.
_________________________________________________
Man makes plans...............God smiles ;-)
it is not ok in any culture...
Just to clarify: I'm not questioning whether or not I should let my daughter go with them. For me, the answer is NO, no matter what their intention is, she cannot learn that it is ok. She is too young to judge intention so always better to be cautious.
Also, when I say, "walk away" I mean they went just a few steps... I agree with you popcorngirl, someone must be a very close friend to allow him/her alone with my daughter. Kids might not understand that there is a difference between that friend we see every week and the cashire we see every week. The first, I know intimately, the second I know superficially.
I want to understand the intentions of these people... What in their culture says it is ok?
Based on what you have written, I do not think that the lady meant your child any harm, otherwise she would have done it without you knowing. She probably became too at ease with you and maybe she also has a daughter that she misses at home. Having seen you around often might have made her comfortable, thinking that you already trust her. However, we still have to instill in our children's innocent minds that it is never safe to go or even talk to strangers wherever in the world we are.
I think we in the West have become over protective and very suspecting of strangers, but No , it is not normal.
You did the right thing.
Never beat yourself up about protecting your child whether the woman was an actual threat or you just perceived it that way. Be honest, what is the worse scenario, upsetting a virtual stranger or the absolute devastation of losing your child?
I applaud you.
*******************************************
I say what I like and I bloody well like what I say
my children EVER to walk away with a stranger at all. It does not matter she has served you at all. You don't know this person at all. It is a superficial 'friendship'.
You REALLY don't know this person and you have to remember you are eventually going back to live in a country where this is not the norm. Dom't let your daughter feel comfortable with 'strangers'.
________________________________________________
Man makes plans...............God smiles ;-)