Engineering Jokes

hope you enjoy them!

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How can you tell if your child is going to be an engineer?

Watch for these tell-tale warning signs:

-You buy your child an educational software program, and she asks which authoring tool it was written in.

-Your child has torn apart his teddy bear and is studying the chemical composition of the filling.

-She can program you VCR, while you haven't been able to get it to stop blinking "12:00."

-He has removed the voice box from his Talking Elmo doll and reprogrammed it to recite the periodic table.

-She has replaced the arms and legs of her Barbie Doll with bionic limbs.

-He is picked last on every sports team.

-You take her to see Disney's "Hunchback of Notre Dame," and all she's interested in is the computer animation.

-He has Bill Gates posters in his room.

-She believes that if she's really good, Santa will give her a client/server network for Christmas.

-He throws a temper tantrum every time you refuse to take him into Fry's.

-She has accepted a scholarship to MIT. And she's only five.

-He gets in fights in school because he owns a PC and the other kids use a Mac.

-He has defeated the "child-guard" software on your Web browser.

-Forget Dr. Seuss and Beatrix Potter. She wants you to read her Carl Sagan.

-When he is asked to play the Star of Bethlehem in the Christmas pageant, he asks, "Am I a white dwarf or red giant?"

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Half Full or Half Empty?

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

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Job Interview Techniques

Take
the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a
room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours,
without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what
they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.
If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.
If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.
If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

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Five Surgeons

Five
surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The
first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You
open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I
think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and
everything inside is in alphabetical order." The Third said, "I like to
operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is
color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers.
They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts
are interchangeable." Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they
always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."

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The Car

There were three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly, the car stops running and they pull off to the side of the road wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault may have occurred.

The
chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests maybe the fuel
is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

The
Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, came up with a
suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in,
and open all the windows and see if it works?"

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The Balloonist

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can
you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet about the ground. You are between 40 and 42
degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I am still lost."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where
you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep,
and you expect me
to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position
you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."