..how NOT to start a fight...

HOW  NOT TO START A FIGHT

        
One  year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

 The next  year, I didn't buy her a gift.

 When she asked  me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last 
  year!"

 And that's how the fight started.....
           ________________________________


           My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

           I turned to  her and said, 'Do you want to have  Sex?'

           'No,' she answered. I then said,

           'Is that your final answer?'

           She didn't even look  at me this time, simply saying, 
           'Yes..'

           So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

           And that's when the fight started...

           ________________________________


           I took my wife to a restaurant.

           The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

           "I'll have  the rump steak, rare, please."

           He said,  "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

           "Nah, she can order for herself."

           And that's when the fight  started.....

           _______________________________


           My  wife and I were sitting at a table at her high  school
reunion, and she kept staring at a  drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

           I asked her, "Do you know  him?"

           "Yes", she sighed,

           "He's my old  boyfriend.  I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago,  and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

           "My  God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

          And then the fight  started...

           ________________________________


           When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it  fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the  boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of  a clever way to make her point.

           When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the  tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny  pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I  came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you  might as well sweep the driveway."

           The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always  have
a  limp.

           ______________________________


           My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

           She asked, "What's on TV?"

           I said, "Dust."

           And then the fight started...

           ________________________________


           Saturday  morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked up the
boat up to the  van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the  garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would  be bad all day.

           I went back into the house,  quietly undressed, and slipped 
back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The  weather out there is
terrible."

           My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

           And that's how the fight started...

           _______________________________


           My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

           She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

           I bought her a bathroom scale.

           And then the fight started......

           ______________________________


           After retiring, I went to the Social Security office  to 
apply for Social Security.

           The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's 
License to verify my age.

           I looked in my  pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home.  I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

           The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

           So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

           She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough 
for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

           When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my 
experience at the Social Security office.  She said, 'You

should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten

disability too.'

           And then the fight started...

           ________________________________


           My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom  mirror.

           She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

           "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need 
you to pay me a compliment.'

           I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

           And then the fight started........

           ________________________________

..you only have 2 choices: to smile or not..

..saying it's an old post is not a choice...