the indian moustache

It’s the story of every Indian boys dream, growing up, going to school, playing cricket and dreaming of their moustache-to-be.

Young lads eagerly wait for the day when the first prick of a hair quivers its way through their brown skin. It’s the Indian version of that weird African coming of age circumcision ceremony only difference is getting facial hair doesn’t involve pain, blood, chopping off of stuff and tears – wait scratch that last part, getting your first whiskers require you to cry(out of joy of course! Real men don’t cry – out of sadness, like when their wife dies or something horrific like that) .

There isn’t any other culture of men who take pride in their stache more the Indians. Sure the british used to do it once upon a time, the Mexicans have moustaches but they don’t have the same pride, some Arabs and the Pakistanis wear it but if they do, they usually sport it with a beard, almost all pedophiles have moustaches but they are too messed up in the head to consider and the Germans seem to be growing out of it.

The Indian moustache goes back a long time. Before the 18th century, back when the caste system was up and running in India, the moustache was reserved only for the high-class men and the lower class men had to either shave or grow a beard. In the 1930s Mahatma Gandhi and his Swadeshi Movement advised Indians to share their prolific facial space with beards as part of his peaceful protest against the British and their cursed blades and razors.

The Indians even have records and amazing statistics to show off with friends over a cup of coffee or tea(most of it is going to be soaked in the Indian’s face though).An Indian dude holds the world record for the longest moustache, I guess they grow em so long to make up for other stuff (sub to this blog if you get it[lame youtube-style plead for “likes”]) and 80 percent of southern Indians have moustaches(notice how I didn’t say southern Indian males?[subscribe!]) and tops the list of the most mustache dense countries.

However though, like most things in the subcontinent, the moustache is dying. The time when a male finally grows his moustache is gradually being pushed farther and farther away and sometimes out of his life altogether. It used to be as soon as you hit puberty, later it was when you leave school, then when you get married, then when you have your first child, then when your starts graying, then when you died(yes its possible to grow a moustache when you died, hair and nails continue to grow for a while after death) and now even after death you get you hair cut and moustache shaved before burial(or cremation which ever they choose)

The Indian youth nowadays don’t have a role model(‘s moustache) to idolize anymore. They forgot about their manliness and prefer to idolise bollywood film actresses (the reason why there are so many gays around – because they don’t grow their damn moustaches! Or is it actually the other way round?) and if the do find a male (yepp it is the other way round – this sound much more homo) then the chances of them wanting to ever have a moustache is very low as the current generation’s male celebs are either clean-shaven or have the so-called “designer stubble”.

But the days when we will look at an Indian dude with a moustache and not know where he hails from is far from sight. With a population of 1.2 billion I’m pretty sure we’ll be seeing none of their upper lips for a long time.

(This article was inspired by my Indian office –mates [and their staches]. This article was meant to be funny [sorry if it wasn’t] and not intended to hurt or cause anyone to go looking for a knife [or razor]. For the record, I’m Srilankan[the country thats like a little brother to India - Pakistan doesn't count as you guys have been totally f***ing for like years, which makes you two lovers], and I have lots of friends who are Indian and are not brown, have no moustaches and hate curry[I'm kinda not sure bout that part, totally made it up] ).

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