Jokes from RSMK
HONESTY
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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive! Electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father - - Next !"
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A Dinner with girlfriend
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A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,
"Hello, could you give me condom.
I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out;
he returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too.
She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and
I think I might strike it lucky there too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom and
as the boy is leaving he turns back and says,
"Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and
when she sees me she always makes eyes,
and since she invited me for dinner,
I think she is expecting me to make a move!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left,
the sister on his right and the mum facing him.
When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying,
"Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us".
A minute later the boy is still praying;
"Thank you Lord for your kindness."
Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.
The others look at each other surprised and
his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others.
She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."
The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"
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An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the
World.
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So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China .
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he
Noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read
"$10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what
The telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Japan . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the
Same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and
He asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
He
Could talk to God.
"O.K., thank you," said the American.
He then traveled to Pakistan , Srilanka , Russia , Germany and France .
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000
Per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to India to
See if Indians had the same phone.
He arrived in India , and again, in the first church he entered, there
Was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read
"One
Rupee per call."
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
"Father, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden
Telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to
Heaven,
But in the US the price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?"
Readers, it is your turn........ Think ....before you scroll down...
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The priest smiled and answered, "You're in India now, Son - it's a
Local Call ".
This is the only heaven on the Earth.
KEEP SMILING
If you are proud to be an Indian pass this on!!!
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Just for Laugh
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Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!
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Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
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Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
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What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
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Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime" / " worries invited for ever"
Wife replies," No, It means ,
"With Idiot For Ever !!!"
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Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
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Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.
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Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs ???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
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Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, i'm confident. Your friend is also my son, that's confidential!
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Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints..
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WHY WOMEN ARE SO SPECIAL . . .
Mum and Dad were watching TV when Mum said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed."
She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's
lunches. Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the
freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box
levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the
table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.
She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes
into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She
picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back
On the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer. She
watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to
dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.
She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher,
counted out some cash for the excursion and pulled a text book
out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a
friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick
note for the grocery store. She put both near her bag.
Mum then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night
Solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her
teeth and filed her nails.
Dad called out, "I thought you were going to bed."
"I'm on my way," she said. She put some water into the dog's dish
and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked
and the patio light was on. She looked in on each of the kids and
turned out their bedside lamps and radios, hung up a shirt, threw
some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation
with the one up still doing homework.
In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next
day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to
her 6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and
visualized the accomplishment of her goals. About that time, Dad
turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular. "I'm
going to bed." And he did...without another thought.
Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer...?
'CAUSE THEY ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL.......
(and they can't die sooner, they still have things to do!!!!)
Send this to five phenomenal women today...
they' ll love you for it!
Then: GO TO BED!
And Forward this to as many men as you can so that they know why
women are so special :) ........!
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With Great Respect for Ladies………..
Glad that at least you read it and have posted a comment
You did it again...LOL!
A Poem by an Old Timer
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note.
A window was something you hated to clean....
And ram was the cousin of a goat.....
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age,
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 " floppy
You hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage,
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pen and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash,
But when it happens they'll wish they were dead!