JOKES...Good afternoon, QL folks!

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to head south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.

A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by and investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

The moral of the story:
1. Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend.
3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut!

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A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."

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A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.

Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.

After several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush.

The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.

A repairman arrived within the hour!
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Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants."

"Oh Angus ... I've got me hands in the dishpan. Go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin?ya with it."

About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.

The little lady looks at him and says, "Me God, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did. Everything was goin?fine but when she bent doon to bite of the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in."
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Subject: Anyone for oranges!!

Ethel was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day,
the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them
line up, when suddenly, Ethel's Grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Ethel told her that the
police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,"
Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the
prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow,
still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

Grandma replied,
"Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em dry."

The policeman fainted.

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