Relationship

[A funny article to be taken with that spirit!]

Contrary to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a
long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship
with a guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With
human guys, it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't
really grasp what women mean by the term relationship.

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He
asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A
few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a
while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you
realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly
six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very
loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him
that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our
relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind
of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so
I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going
the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we
going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of
intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a
lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I
really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's
see . . . February when we started going out, which was right after I
had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the
odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe
I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed --
even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes,
I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about
his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still
not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold
weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this
thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those
incompetent thieves $600.

COMMUNICATIONS GAP

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I
can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right
next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a
person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about
me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl
romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them
a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up
their . . .

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes
beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . . Oh
God, I feel so . . . " (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no
horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine
says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,
tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one
that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

A BEFUDDLED BEAU

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him
to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if
it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to
his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and
immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match
between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the
far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on
back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would
ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't
think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

IT'S ANALYSIS TIME

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.
In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and
everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring
every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning,
considering every possible ramification. They will continue to
discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never
reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it,
either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual
friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown,
and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

We're not talking about different wavelengths here. We're talking
about different planets, in completely different solar systems.
Elaine cannot communicate meaningfully with Roger about their
relationship any more than she can meaningfully play chess with a
duck. Because the sum total of Roger's thinking on this particular
topic is as follows:

Huh?

But the point I'm trying to make is that, if you're a woman, and you
want to have a successful relationship with a guy, the No. 1 tip to
remember is:

1. Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a
relationship.

The guy will not realize this on his own. You have to plant the idea
in his brain by constantly making subtle references to it in your
everyday conversation, such as:

-- "Roger, would you mind passing me a Sweet 'n' Low, inasmuch as we
have a relationship?"

-- "Wake up, Roger! There's a prowler in the den and we have a
relationship! You and I do, I mean."

-- "Good News, Roger! The gynecologist says we're going to have our
fourth child, which will serve as yet another indication that we have
a relationship!"

-- "Roger, inasmuch as this plane is crashing and we probably have
only about a minute to live, I want you to know that we've had a
wonderful 53 years of marriage together, which clearly constitutes a
relationship."

Never let up, women. Pound away relentlessly at this concept, and
eventually it will start to penetrate the guy's brain. Some day he
might even start thinking about it on his own. He'll be talking with
some other guys about women, and, out of the blue, he'll say, "Elaine
and I, we have, ummm . . . We have, ahhh . . . We . . . We have this
thing."

And he will sincerely mean it.

The next relationship-enhancement tip is:

2. Do not expect the guy to make a hasty commitment.

By "hasty," I mean, "within your lifetime." Guys are extremely
reluctant to make commitments. This is because they never feel ready.

"I'm sorry," guys are always telling women, "but I'm just not ready
to make a commitment." Guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness.
If guys were turkey breasts, you could put them in a 350-degree oven
on July Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in time for
Thanksgiving.