Tommy Cooper classics
By bstcatherine •
I said to the waiter, I said 'This chicken I've got is cold'.
He said 'I should think so. It's been dead for two weeks'.
'Not only that', I said, 'It's got one leg shorter than the other'.
He said 'What do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?'
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but
I couldn't find any ;o(
i enjoyed it
Not one you'd normally hear in Qatar:
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
So I said to the doctor. 'People keep taking the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I'm a cricket ball. 'The doctor said 'Howzat?' I said, 'don't you start'.
Two blondes walked into a building. You'd have thought one would have seen it.
ur welcome lol...... i think nw u will stop as u said urself above hahaha :p
"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays",
"So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
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"So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother HoChaChu.
But I think it's Colin.
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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said
'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.
Oh Yes!
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
fankssss baldrick - total master isnt he?.....
engr - love it, really has cheered me up
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
baba you miserable sod. TC is one of the funniest men ever to walk this earth!
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat slob"
hahahahha
If you can tell me a funny joke ill stop otherwise i will continue all day
:-)
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's crosseyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's crosseyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress.
He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.
He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.
Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by.
When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.......
It was a different elephant.