Are you ready for the ‘Avengers: Age of Al Tron’?

The Avengers: Age of Ultron is almost upon us and I’m going mad thinking about the mayhem that’s soon coming to a screen near you. Can 72 hours be any more excruciating?

It’s a match made in Hollywood heaven. And we’re mere mortals who simply cannot wait to watch it. But what if the Avengers were born and bred closer home, in Doha?

For those with a little time on their hands, without further ado, I present… “The Avengers: Age of Al Tron.”

KEY PLAYERS

1. Nick Fury

He’s the ‘mudhir’ and ‘Mandoop’ of the gang of heroes all rolled into one. He lost use of one eye after an exit-permit related skirmish with an unknown superhero, but hides the scar well under an Armani-designed black eye patch. When every last seat in the plane home seems booked, he always comes up with a confirmed reservation to save the day.

2. Captain America!

He is the original super-soldier, who is now stationed at the American Base in Doha. Fury first met him at the City Centre Mall, trying to dig up the ice rink, reportedly saying he remembers being buried somewhere cold for the past 70 years. His favourite pastime includes blasting the AC full force, bringing down the room temperature to sub-zero conditions, and hibernating.

3. Iron Man

Rumour has it that ‘Mallu’ blood courses through his veins. A master in the art of falling on his four feet (a typical Mallu trait), he calls himself ‘a genius, billionaire, playboy philanthropist.’ He can fly, thanks to the Land Cruiser-powered engines beneath the soles of his feet and inside of his palms. But buying original spare parts is a strict no-no. Known to handle many jobs at once, he can be seen in five places at once.

4. Thor

The Germanic Man of Thunder first landed in Qatar on an expert rubble-breaker’s visa. He impressed everyone at the Supreme Committee for Delivery and Legacy by singlehandedly demolishing the old Al Rayyan Stadium. Fury heard about him through his uncle’s daughter’s neighbour’s cousin’s father, who saw Thor at the local Sri Lankan saloon, shaping his beard and giving those golden curls a shampoo wash for extra bounce. The rest, as they would say, is His-Thor-y!

5. Hulk

Legend has it he first became the big, bad green man after being denied an exit permit on 32 different occasions and losing the job he had lined up in Dubai. The 33rd time, he simply transformed and jumped his way to Dubai. He has petitioned the USA to respect the colour of his skin and give him a green card.

6. Black Widow

With a love for fast bikes and muscle cars, she is the vehicle specialist in the gang. One of the most ‘photographed’ people in Qatar for traffic violations, MOI officials gave her a tearful farewell when she decided to briefly move to Oman for a few months. When she returned, traffic inspectors were given a day’s wages as bonus, in anticipation of the rise in revenue from speeding. legend has it that she was the first woman in Qatar to change a landcruiser's tyre whie driving it on its side, on two wheels.

7. Al Tron!

The evil machine who likes to say ‘Hasta La Vasta Baby’ every second minute, or whenever someone pisses him off, whichever comes first. He has the power to get people deported and also get shawarma shops in your neighbourhoods closed. He considers Qatari roads a personal fiefdom and anyone who stands in his way will be tailgated/flashed. Even the Avengers fear him, for he holds all their passports close to his chest.