Joke Time! (clean jokes only)
A chinese and Steven Spielberg were drunk in a bar...
Spielberg hit the chinese...
Chinese: why you hit me?
Spielberg: coz you bombed Pearl Harbor , my father died there.
Chinese: but I am chinese not Japanese, stupid!
Spielberg: Japanese, Vietnamese, Chinese... all the same!
.. chinese punched Spielberg
Spielberg: why you hit me too?
Chinese: Thats for the sinking of TITANIC.
Spielberg: but the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg, you fool!
Chinese: Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg... you are all the same!
A driver and his boss were going to the way of hilly region.
Drver...... Boss flood is coming in that river.
Boss........Give him a horn.lol
"Drink Beer Save Water"
The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private area and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move.
Then one of the ladies said, "You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds."
"Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?"
"Yes", the lady replied, "Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom."
Peter: Hey man, why are you sad?
Johnny: My wife hired a driver, good-looking, young, well-built!
Peter: You're jealous?
Johnny: I'm just wondering, we don't have a car!
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor
of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known
heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there
waiting for the service manager to come take a look at
his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can
I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the
mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag
and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its
heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and
when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I
get such a small salary and you get the really big
bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same
work?
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and
whispered to the mechanic..... "Try doing it with the
engine running".
Wife: Honey, what's your 25th anniversary gift for me?
Husband: I will bring you to Africa
Wife: Wow! How sweet! How about on our 50th anniversary?
Husband: I will pick you up!
more jokes people
plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
this morning is refusing to end..
ive handed in my work.. ive watched 4 episodes of southpark.. checked my mail and facebook (TWICE)...made 2 international calls...filed my nails AND re-organized my desk... yet somehow its still just 12:30..
so keep em coming...
"He who reigns within himself and rules passions, desires, and fears is more than a king."
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripesheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form And then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never Let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some Actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance Engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget Pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
An American farmer's dog died suddenly after a long and happy life. He visited a Catholic priest to arrange a funeral.
Farmer: I'd like to have a proper funeral for my dog, who died last night.Can you undertake this?
Priest: I'm sorry, we don't conduct funerals for pets. You can try the Christian church down the road - I think they perform dog funerals.
Farmer: All right. But do you think $25,000 will be enough to cover their expenses for the service?
Priest: Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?
good refresher
Heard this joke about thousand times