My Unofficial Being a Bloke Thread

A lot of people don't appreciate how much hard work doesn't go into being a normal bloke.

I offer this thread for advice to people who wish they were as blokey as all the other lads.

Firstly let yourself grow into your clothes gracefully, you will never get a proper bump in the front of your shirt if you bother with all that exercise stuff.

However, you do need to ensure you can manage at least one sit up, otherwise how will you be able to reach past the beer to get the remote control while laying on the couch?

This can be avoided with a little planning though, for instance, would you have had to go through all that effort if you had't put the remote control out of reach in the first place?

Diet should be taken seriously also, time spent in the kitchen can easily be replaced with more time in the couch it pizza menus are used to create a practical remote control cushion on the coffee table, six inches from the couch.

There should also be some packets of snacks on the floor and within reach in case of emergencies, i.e. when you can't find the phone to order another pizza.

Planning also has a roll to play in the provision of liquids, always time the pizza delivery with getting another drink as this can drasticaly reduce the amount of times you need to get up.

Always ensure you purchase a coffee table large enough and in such a shape to ensure all the essentials can be reached without stretching, i.e. drink, fags, ashtray, remote and food.

There are occasions though when you need to leave the couch, these are called; work and going to the pub.

We'll put work aside for the moment and concentrate on the important stuff.

Unfortunately there will be a need to get dressed before going to the pub and this can not usually be avoided.

Care should be taken to choose the cleanest clothes from the floor as they will have the maximum impact with the ladies. At no time should you look in the mirror during the getting dressed stage as this can severly alter your mental image you have of yourself. Be content with the image saved from when you were 24 and all the birds were gaggin for a bit of you. If you were never in that situation when you were 24 it helps to just pretend you were and tell everyone who will listen anyway.

Always remember, reality is for people with no imagination and too many mirrors.

I hope this first instalment has been usefull to those of you wanting to be a little more blokey.

In the installment I will cover such subject as nose hair growth, how to scratch properly and effective farting techniques.

Bye for now.