One liners

Subject: one liners are back -- purely veg for sunday!!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.