In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?" "That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data. Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?".
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said(or rather implied.
However , the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight- faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that ?
"I would love to." replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough.
Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : "I know..." First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me."
John was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
John looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."
The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Glasgow .
The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Govan and Possilpark areas of Glasgow were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.
As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had the advantage over every team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for.
At the first practice session, the Govan & Possilpark pit crew successfully changed the tyres in less than 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of WKD Irn Bru, a kilo of speed and some photos of Lewis Hamiltons bird in the shower.
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."
Two men who are out walking their dogs meet on a streetcorner.
One says to the other, "Boy it sure is hot today. I'd really like to go into the bar and get a beer, but the sign on the front door says, 'No Pets Allowed,' and I can't leave Fido alone on the street."
The other man replies, "No problem, just stand by the door and watch me, and you'll be having that beer real soon!"
The second man reaches into his pocket and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and then walks into the bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The man says, "But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!"
The bartender says, "Oh, OK then." The man drinks his beer and leaves.
The first man then puts on dark sunglasses and goes into the bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The man says, "But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!"
The bartender says, "Oh really? I've never heard of a Chihuahua seeing-eye dog!!"
The man, thinking quickly, blurts out, "Oh, man! You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.
The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention......."
There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382". "Wow!" said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
Nothing is more relaxing than flying like an Eagle in Heaven !!
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached acomfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence.Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!
"A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still there
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon..........You got nice house.
Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
There was this petrol station in a city, trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his friend this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".
As they were driving away, the driver said to his friend, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't giveaway free sex". The friend replied "No, it's not rigged-my wife won twice last week".
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:
"The parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".
"Why, does the parrot cost so much" asks the first man.
The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question
"What can it do?"
To which the owner replies "To be honest, I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!".
Three old men were sitting in the park talking. A little girl was in front of them, playing with her dog and listening to them. The first old man said "whoomf." The second looked at him and said, "No, it's whooorf." The third old guy said, "You're both wrong. It's whoompha."
At this point the little girl came over with her dog and announced, "Don't be silly. It's whoof, and you know it." She took her dog and left. The men sat there for a moment. Finally one of them spoke up.
"I don't know. She's pretty young. I bet she's never even heard a buffalo fart
I was sitting at the bottom of our back yard last night, and whilst gazing heavenwards, I watched the moon as it crossed the sky - like an amber chariot.
I saw the stars scattered in space - like diamonds sprinkled on dark blue velvet.
I thought - how insignificant we are compared to the vastness of the universe.
I also thought...
...It's about time I got a damn roof put on this outside toilet!
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, high heels and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he, found me with a black leather bodice, tall heels and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made
love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had
love all night long.
The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice,black stockings, high heels and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came
Upon being offered work as a barman on a "graveyard shift," he remarks “A bar in a cemetery! What a country!Last call? During Happy Hour the place must be dead.
At the grocery store: "Powdered milk, powdered eggs, baby powder . . . what a country!"
Bizarre comparisons between the U.S. and Russia:
"We have no gay people in Russia—there are homosexuals but they are not allowed to be gay about it. The punishment is seven years locked in prison with other men and there is a three-year waiting list for that."
I left my car in a car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up. Then I found this note under the wiper. It said:
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate.. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
-------------------------------------
Always take the difficult right option rather than the easy wrong one!
There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mud pit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer's BMW and pulled the horse out with it.
The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his p*nis and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.
The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200-year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."
One week later, "The Kerrymen," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Day, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless."
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.'
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are stupid; not all blondes are dumb; but all men are
Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.. Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan! Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this? Caller: I'm Sam Wan .. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent. Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone ! But what's this urgent matter about? Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is onhis way to the hospital. Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter!
a piece of sting goes into a bar and orders a drink. Barman says "we don't serve pieces of string here" So piece of string goes outside messus up his head and twists about a bit. Goes back inside and orders a drink.
Barman says "Look, did you hear me or not, we don't serve pieces of string here"
Piece of string replies "im aFraid Not"
(Freyed knot, geddit???? No, well its late and Im a bit crap..)
apparently the new man in charge of interior defence in america is a real asshole...he's changed the emergency number from 911 to 79876543687378974613213879879641321687496874687498798413
My mate was suffering from depression. he was never happy. he wanted to commit suicide so i took him down the train station and waited for a steam train to come along. As it pulled in, i pushed him infront of it.
Someone came round the office asking if i would like to take part in a marathon. I said "no way.. bugger that" but they said it was for spastic and blind kids, i thought "hey...i could win this"
I was in Trafalagar square and this guy was standing on a soap box , whilst the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.
2 blokes were reading headstones in a cemetry when one says "blimey there's a bloke here was 168 when he died". "No way" his mate replied "..what was his name?" . His mate replies "Miles from London"
I went for my annual health check yesterday. The nurse said to me 'you really should stop m*sturbating'. I asked her why and she said 'because I'm trying to examine you'
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Shit, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?"
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."
Some years ago, a Russian oil baron who had six children, all girls, began to despair as he had no son and heir.
Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with a son.
Just before his son's sixth birthday, the baron took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airline." So his father bought him United Airlines.
The next year, the baron asked the same question.
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." His father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines.
The next year, his son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons." Not wanting to look a cheapskate, his father bought him Disney Studios.
His son, who was by now really into the Disney cartoons, asked, "Daddy, I would also like a Mickey Mouse
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."
*********************
“You become responsible forever for what you have tamed”. Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
A Jewish ladies husband died, and she wanted to put an advert in the paper. So she phones up the Newspaper and asked what is the cheapest possible way of advertising that husband died and how much will it cost.
The newspaper guys told the lady that it will cost $5 per word and minium of 5 words.
So she phones back later and tells that she would like to advertise..........
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room,so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile... .Somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date: 16 January 2009
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They gave computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Once there was a fellow in his boat which was fully loaded. Even a feather could make the boat sink. As he was moving, he felt like smoking. He had 2 cigars in his pocket. But he forgot to take the lighter. But he had a brighter idea. He took 1 cigar and threw it in the water therefore making the boat lighter, and with that lighter he lit his cigar.
A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''
The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''
''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''
Qatar's winter months are brimming with unmissable experiences, from the AFC Asian Cup 2023 to the World Aquatics Championships Doha 2024 and a variety of outdoor adventures and cultural delights.
Fasten your seatbelts and get ready for a sweet escape into the world of budget-friendly Mango Sticky Rice that's sure to satisfy both your cravings and your budget!
Celebrate World Vegan Day with our list of vegan food outlets offering an array of delectable options, spanning from colorful salads to savory shawarma and indulgent desserts.
Did you hear about the two guys who stole everything out of a house except the soap and towels. They were dirty crooks!
walked into a bar. The barman said I can't serve you'.
They said why not?
The bar man said, well one of you is off his head and the other will start something.
Wait a sec, brit.
Your thread title is Stupid Jokes FEB 2009.
:-P
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?" "That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data. Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?".
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said(or rather implied.
However , the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight- faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!
Apéritif:: French for a set of dentures.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?
She had no control over her pupils.
how do you turn a duck into a folk singer?
Heat it in a microwave until it's bill withers
meh...
Workers at the US Mint are threatening to go on strike unless they make less money.
Just watching a discussion on Animal Testing..
Personaly, I think its a terrible idea. The poor things get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
one says 'where's' the soap, the other says, it can do ;-)
walked into a bar, the bar man said' 'why the long face?'
A giraffe walked into a bar, the bar man said, 'you have got some neck'!
Two cookies (biscuits) walking down a street, one said to the other, 'where do you live'?
The other said, 'not going to tell you that, you might steal my washing'!
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that ?
"I would love to." replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough.
Walking along the corniche tody, I thought about wanting to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : "I know..." First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me."
John was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
John looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."
Santa and Banta boasting of their parents achievements to each other
Santa : 'Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?'
Banta : 'Yes, I have'
Santa : 'Well, my father dug it.'
Banta : 'That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead sea?'
Santa : 'Yes, I have.'
Banta : 'Well, my father killed it.'
A sardar for an exam had studied only one essay 'FRIEND', but in the
exam the essay which came was 'FATHER' . he replaced friend with father
in the essay and>it read: AM A VERY FATHERLY PERSON, I HAVE LOTS OF
FATHERS,
SOME OF MY FATHERS ARE MALE AND SOME ARE FEMALE. MY TRUE
FATHER IS MY NEIGHBOUR.
Santa and Banta at a bar sipping black label.
Banta singh noticed a gorgeous blonde sitting by herself in a corner. As he was getting up to talk to her.
Bartender : "Hey don't worry about her, She is lesbian!"
Banta : "Lesbian or no lesbian, I get them all"
....and he stylishly holding his whiskey in his left hand walked to her table. Then leaping forward in a very sexy voice he says.
"Honey where exactly in Lesbia, you from?"
Sardarji proposes to a woman.
She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots.
He sets off to Africa and disappears.
Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one.
He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims "71st and *AGAIN* barefeet!"
OMG wats all this it tool a long time to reach the end, seems to be a good topic arround here, lots r good ones , keep on , bye.
The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Glasgow .
The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Govan and Possilpark areas of Glasgow were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.
As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had the advantage over every team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for.
At the first practice session, the Govan & Possilpark pit crew successfully changed the tyres in less than 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of WKD Irn Bru, a kilo of speed and some photos of Lewis Hamiltons bird in the shower.
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."
Two men who are out walking their dogs meet on a streetcorner.
One says to the other, "Boy it sure is hot today. I'd really like to go into the bar and get a beer, but the sign on the front door says, 'No Pets Allowed,' and I can't leave Fido alone on the street."
The other man replies, "No problem, just stand by the door and watch me, and you'll be having that beer real soon!"
The second man reaches into his pocket and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and then walks into the bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The man says, "But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!"
The bartender says, "Oh, OK then." The man drinks his beer and leaves.
The first man then puts on dark sunglasses and goes into the bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The man says, "But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!"
The bartender says, "Oh really? I've never heard of a Chihuahua seeing-eye dog!!"
The man, thinking quickly, blurts out, "Oh, man! You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.
The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention......."
A lawyer walks into his client's death row cell and says, "I've got good news, and bad news for you."
The prisoner says, "Okay. What's the bad news?"
"The bad news is that the Governor won't issue a stay of your execution."
"Oh that's terrible. What possibly could be the good news?"
"The good news is that I got your voltage reduced!"
When did Pinocchio first realise he was made of wood?
When his hand caught fire whilst he was pleasuring himeself...
My cousins wedding was very emotional - even the cake was in tiers.
I tried mugging an old aged pensioner yesterday.
I said, "Give me all your money now, or you're geography."
"Don't you mean history?" he replied.
I said, "Don't try to change the subject."
There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382". "Wow!" said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
What do you call a redhead with a blond on either side?
An interpreter.
Why do coloured young guys where loose, baggy flares type of jeans/trousers?
Because their knees grows..
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HE WHO DARES WINS
What do you call a dark man with white hair?
Pint of Guinness
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HE WHO DARES WINS
No offensive intended...
What do you call a cloured guy with ginger hair?
Duracell..
yep back to school qatarkiwi
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HE WHO DARES WINS
My neighbour has a glass eye. You wouldn't even notice, unless it came out in conversation...
What do you call a man with a rabbit up his nose?
Warren.
Ahhhh, its like being back at primary school again.. .
What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Doug.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russel.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel.
Nothing is more relaxing than flying like an Eagle in Heaven !!
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached acomfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence.Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!
"A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Nothing is more relaxing than flying like an Eagle in Heaven !!
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. Dick Cheney walks over and says, "What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III ".
And Cheney says, "Really? How do you plan to pull that off?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits."
Cheney exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you he wouldn't worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
Nothing is more relaxing than flying like an Eagle in Heaven !!
A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in room 27.
She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him," No, the room is empty".
"Good" says the man."That means I must have really escaped."
. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Friendship among Women:
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still there
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon..........You got nice house.
My friend asked me to call British people out of Big room
i went, to my surprise it was full of lots of different nationality of Europene peoples..
how to identify BRITISH.??
Idea..
i asked who is Not Present in this room please rise your fingers..............
i got all British out of room.....!
M I Genious..??
Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
Hahaha! I like that one notfromhere! lol.
Did you hear about the rich Arab who bought a herd of cows?
He became a milk sheikh.
Teacher: What does your father do?
Boy: He's a magician
Teacher: Really? What tricks does he do?
Boy: He cuts people in half
Teacher: Wow! are you sure he can do that??
Boy: Yes mam! In fact that he's so good that I have 2 half Brothers and 2 half sisters!!
..::WHY SO SERIOUS?::..
What happened to the magic tractor?
It turned into a field.
Two muffins were in an oven.
One says to the other "its hot in here"
The other screams "aargh, a talking muffin".
Two cannibals were eating a clown.
One says to the other "does this taste funny to you?"
Not because of our jokes I hope.
whats did the Sardar do to kill the sparrows??
He went to a cliff and threw them down.
______________________________________________
Listen to Many..Speak to a few.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
______________________________________________
Listen to Many..Speak to a few.
IAM LEAVING QATAR FOR GOOD....
That's more like it.
Britexpat is walking in New York city at night. A lady of the evening approaches him and says, "Hey, how about some great sex for $50.00 ?"
"Well", says Britexpat, " I'm feelin' really tired, but I could use the money!"
Did you hear about our poor britexpat; he fell into an upholstery machine.
He's fully recovered now.
There was this petrol station in a city, trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his friend this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".
As they were driving away, the driver said to his friend, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't giveaway free sex". The friend replied "No, it's not rigged-my wife won twice last week".
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:
"The parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".
"Why, does the parrot cost so much" asks the first man.
The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question
"What can it do?"
To which the owner replies "To be honest, I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!".
Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?
A : Dinner
abcdefghijkldngjknrjkgbwsm skxcrnl
Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: What Men Know About Women
Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I can do better.
What kind of fish can't swim at all? Dead ones!
Three old men were sitting in the park talking. A little girl was in front of them, playing with her dog and listening to them. The first old man said "whoomf." The second looked at him and said, "No, it's whooorf." The third old guy said, "You're both wrong. It's whoompha."
At this point the little girl came over with her dog and announced, "Don't be silly. It's whoof, and you know it." She took her dog and left. The men sat there for a moment. Finally one of them spoke up.
"I don't know. She's pretty young. I bet she's never even heard a buffalo fart
A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except one DARUDE.
He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!" lol
"Drink Beer Save Water"
Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.
What does IGBHYS stand for??
National Association for Bad Acronyms
What's the difference between a circus act and some lap dancers?
One's a cunning array of stunts, the other.......
Donald: " I always feel that I'm covered in gold paint, doctor."
Psychiatrist: " Oh, that's just your gilt complex."
My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.
He is now classed as a seasoned veteran.
hassan: Neuf pwans :))
I was sitting at the bottom of our back yard last night, and whilst gazing heavenwards, I watched the moon as it crossed the sky - like an amber chariot.
I saw the stars scattered in space - like diamonds sprinkled on dark blue velvet.
I thought - how insignificant we are compared to the vastness of the universe.
I also thought...
...It's about time I got a damn roof put on this outside toilet!
OMG britexpat!!
;)
okay..okay..
read some of the jokes..HILARIOUS!!
Here's 1;
why was 8 afraid of 7?
daa..because seven ate nine!!!
Paddy rushed into the bank and pointed a banana at the teller and shouted, ''This is a cock-up!''
''Don't you mean a hold-up?'' asked the confused teller.
''No,'' replied Paddy, ''it's a cock-up. I left me bloody gun at home.''
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your arms!”
Am dead tired ROFL!!!! HA HA HA
"There's nothing we can do to change the past, if it teaches you a lesson profit from it then, forget it."
Postman: Is this letter for you? The name is smudged.
Man: No, it can't be for me, my name is Smith.
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak
to me. Who is this?
< br>Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But
what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan
was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is
being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the
hospital.
Operator: Look , if no one was injured and no one was sent to the
hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this
hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree….
[img_assist|nid=417|title=leo dude|desc=happiness comes only once dont miss it|link=none|align=left|width=|height=0]
My Uncle was a terrible ventriloquist.
When I was little he used to put his hand up my
arse and tell me to keep quiet.
i do hope ya come back alive and kicking. go tell crazy jokes at a bar and maybe things'll turn around!
the sickest joke ever would be for YOU not to have lots of women, sex, and beer..... ;)
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, high heels and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he, found me with a black leather bodice, tall heels and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made
love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had
love all night long.
The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice,black stockings, high heels and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came
in the door and saw me he said,
'What's for dinner, Batman?'
Upon being offered work as a barman on a "graveyard shift," he remarks “A bar in a cemetery! What a country!Last call? During Happy Hour the place must be dead.
At the grocery store: "Powdered milk, powdered eggs, baby powder . . . what a country!"
Bizarre comparisons between the U.S. and Russia:
"We have no gay people in Russia—there are homosexuals but they are not allowed to be gay about it. The punishment is seven years locked in prison with other men and there is a three-year waiting list for that."
Reading employment announcements of "Part-Time Woman Wanted": "What a country! Even transvestites can get work."
yes..i know!
i've seen in the Gulf Times...
RIP , Mr. Paul!
Women,Sex and alcohol killed him.......
He couldnt get any so he shot himself.
---------------------------------------------------------
I think you have me confused with someone who gives a sh1t.
Doctor Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains
wait for it...
Pull urself together!
-------------------------------------
Always take the difficult right option rather than the easy wrong one!
I find the most unpopular man in football at the minute, is the daft bugger who shouts, "give me a B" at Borussia Mônchengladbach home games.
Shazzav : Six pwans :)
By the way, I've got a friend in Doha who's fallen in love with two school bags?
He's bisatchel.
What's 3 feet long, red, and keeps a prick warm?
A Man Utd scarf.
Warning - another blond joke
I just came home and caught my blonde wife reading my diary. She was real angry. She shouted "Who the feck are April, May and June?"
I went to a fortune teller last week and he told me a lot of money is coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a van driven by bank robbers making a getaway.
I left my car in a car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up. Then I found this note under the wiper. It said:
I just accidentally reversed into your car.
Quite a few people saw me do it.
They think I'm leaving my name and details.
Well, I'm not.
What did the big tomato say to to the little tomato?
Ketchup!
-------------------------------------
Always take the difficult right option rather than the easy wrong one!
How many of the Lost cast does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but it will take 20 episodes.
Q: What do you call a Vicar on a motorbike?
A: Rev
-----------------
HE WHO DARES WINS
Q: what did the big telephone say to the little telephone?
A: your too young to get engaged..
-----------------
HE WHO DARES WINS
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
I said, "No, but I did once tell a donkey to feck off."
Britexpat - ur killing me man!
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate.. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
-------------------------------------
Always take the difficult right option rather than the easy wrong one!
Ok Some oldies from school days..
Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: you too young to smoke.
-----------------
HE WHO DARES WINS
pwans?
Shazzav.... Come on buddy.. Think Stupid :)
Yes thats all we get now a days for Eurovison zero pwans..:(
-----------------
HE WHO DARES WINS
Sorry dude!
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Always take the difficult right option rather than the easy wrong one!
Notfromhere : Dix pwans
Hassan: Neuf pwans
Shazzav : zero pwans
last valentine's day, she said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot."
I said, "I'll take that as a condiment."
Shazzav... Offence but a nice joke..
Would have enjoyed it more if you had not shouted (turn your caps off)
-----------------
HE WHO DARES WINS
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS
SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M
GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS
THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M
GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD
HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST
THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, 'YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE.'
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,
AND SHE SAYS, 'OH, I'M SORRY.' AND GETS UP AND GOES
BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
'I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO '.
-------------------------------------
Always take the difficult right option rather than the easy wrong one!
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mud pit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer's BMW and pulled the horse out with it.
The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his p*nis and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.
The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Ancient Telephone Networks
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200-year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."
One week later, "The Kerrymen," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Day, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless."
Irish Blonde Joke
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.'
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are stupid; not all blondes are dumb; but all men are
men
Yesterday, I said to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
I read in the newspaper what a bunch of midgets had been pickpocketed
How could anyone stoop that low?
I rang up a local building firm, I said "I want a skip outside my house."
He said, 'I'm not stopping you.'
Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.. Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan! Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this? Caller: I'm Sam Wan .. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent. Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone ! But what's this urgent matter about? Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is onhis way to the hospital. Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter!
After the waitress had served my special fajita lunch last Feb. 3, the waitress suddenly replied with her usual customer service:
Waitress: If you have anything you need, just ask.
Me: I need a house, a car, and a wife and kids.
Waitress: I also need the first two.
Now if only 'customer services' can really serve you that service...
Oh and thank you all for the greetings on my birthday thread. Was late to read that thread posted by greentea. :-)
"Everything in this book may be wrong." Illusions: The Adventures of The Reluctant Messiah by Richard Bach
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10- It is socially acceptable to race while others watch.
9- During a real hot lap, if you call your car the wrong name, it will still finish the race.
8- Cars with small engines often outperform big engines.
7- You don't have to sit through dinner and a show before you race.
6- Your race car won't leave you if you drive another car.
5- You can drive hard, right from the start.
4- You and your car always finish at the same time.
3- You always know where to put your hands.
2- Your car will never stop running just because you forgot the day you bought it.
1- The crowd cheers when you finish first.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked
the Director how do you determine whether or not a
patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then
we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the
patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person
would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull
the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
I went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it."
a piece of sting goes into a bar and orders a drink. Barman says "we don't serve pieces of string here" So piece of string goes outside messus up his head and twists about a bit. Goes back inside and orders a drink.
Barman says "Look, did you hear me or not, we don't serve pieces of string here"
Piece of string replies "im aFraid Not"
(Freyed knot, geddit???? No, well its late and Im a bit crap..)
A man wants into a bar and asks for a pint of lager and a packet of helicopter crisps.
'Sorry', said the barman, 'we don't have any helicoper crisps, we only have plane.'
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was excellent.
loooooooooooooooooool
omg I can't breathe. Thanks for the thread, brit.
It's the best medicine :-D
A man was walking down the street and he met a small boy. The man asked what was his name.
The boy replied, 'six and seven-eighths.'
The man asked him why his parents had given him such a strange name, and he replied, 'they just picked it out of a hat.'
MY EX-Wife came over to visit me at my apartment, supposedly to discuss some issues. She knocks at the main door entrance. I did not open the door.
She started to ask me in a demanding voice.
I need to speak to you! I need to come inside!
My reply was;
Could I get out of my apartment first?
Then I jump out through the kitchen window, while she waited outside the door, got on my car and left.
Then the alarm of my house got activated, then the Police arrived and arrested her for trespassing.
This happen to me in real life, after two years of my divorce from her.
Never again heard about her!
apparently the new man in charge of interior defence in america is a real asshole...he's changed the emergency number from 911 to 79876543687378974613213879879641321687496874687498798413
Maybe Hitler watched Batman just before the war :)
What do pilots say when they're pi**ed off with each other?
I don't like your altitude
What did Hitler say to his men before they got into their tanks
"Men get into your tanks"
Q: What's the worst thing about washing your cat?
A: Getting the fur off your tongue afterwards.
A guy is screwing a great looking blonde.
The girl asks, "You haven't got AIDS have you?"
He replies, "No."
She responds, "Oh, thank heavens for that!!
I don't want to get that again...!"
was at the ATM this morning and an old lady asked me if i could help her check her balance. so i pushed her over.
Arsene walks into the arsenal dressing room.He spots a big turd on the floor and shouts
"Who's sh*t on the ground"?
Adebayor shouts "ME BOSS!!BUT I'M GOOD IN THE AIR!"
My mate was suffering from depression. he was never happy. he wanted to commit suicide so i took him down the train station and waited for a steam train to come along. As it pulled in, i pushed him infront of it.
he was chuffed to bits.
my girlfriend has a tattoo of a seashell on the inside of her thigh. when i put my ear against it i swear i can smell the sea.
Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.
Someone came round the office asking if i would like to take part in a marathon. I said "no way.. bugger that" but they said it was for spastic and blind kids, i thought "hey...i could win this"
we used to call my grandad Spiderman. He didnt have any special powers or anything. He just found it really hard to get out of the bathtub.
called the rape advice line this morning.
that was a waste of bleeding time. Apparently its only for victims.
I was in Trafalagar square and this guy was standing on a soap box , whilst the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.
I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'
He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
Man walks into a doctors surgery with a frog attached to his head.
Suprised doctors asks "My God! how in the hell did you get that?"
"i dont know" replies the frog. "it started as a pimple on my arse"
Was walking through the graveyard yesterday and i saw a bloke behind a headstone.
"morning" i said
"no.. im having a sh1t" he replies
2 blokes were reading headstones in a cemetry when one says "blimey there's a bloke here was 168 when he died". "No way" his mate replied "..what was his name?" . His mate replies "Miles from London"
Two crisps was going along the road when a taxi pulled up and said do you want a lift?
'no thanks" said the crisps "we're walkers "
Actually, It helps us "connect" with our feminine side.. i won't go into the mink lines thongs..
Anyway, i digress..
I met this guy yesteday..He says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?"
Alarm bells started ringing straight away. I thought, "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness."
lol UkEng, brite
reminds them of being with a barbie..lol
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HE WHO DARES WINS
why do men drive pink cars?
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HE WHO DARES WINS
Damn , that's older than Mrs Expat's steam driven washing machine..
why do women marry in white..
coz all kitchen appliances come in white..
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HE WHO DARES WINS
the bigger the betterer..
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says, "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds."
I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck."
Three little ducks go into a bar.
"Hello, what's your name?" the barman asks the first duck.
"Huey," he replies.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" smiles Huey.
"That's nice," says the bartender, turning to the second duck. "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," comes the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" asks the barman.
"Great. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day as well. What more could a duck want?"
The barman turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she says, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."
I went for my annual health check yesterday. The nurse said to me 'you really should stop m*sturbating'. I asked her why and she said 'because I'm trying to examine you'
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Shit, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?"
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."
I saw Lee Majors, the bionic man, the other day on the TV. He looked a million dollars... he's really let himself go...
My grandfather was scared of change.
It just made us throw it at him harder.
Sad story:
My father died of the big C. Drowned.
I like it :)
By the way, I was at the Golf Club yesterday playing darts..
I asked a guy , "Do you want a game of darts?"
He said, "OK then."
I said, "Nearest to bull starts."
He said, "Baa." I said, "Moo."
He said, "You're closest."
Hasan guess you is a looner gooner? lol
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HE WHO DARES WINS
I had a job to do so went and got my step ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
Some years ago, a Russian oil baron who had six children, all girls, began to despair as he had no son and heir.
Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with a son.
Just before his son's sixth birthday, the baron took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airline." So his father bought him United Airlines.
The next year, the baron asked the same question.
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." His father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines.
The next year, his son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons." Not wanting to look a cheapskate, his father bought him Disney Studios.
His son, who was by now really into the Disney cartoons, asked, "Daddy, I would also like a Mickey Mouse
outfit."
His father bought him Chelsea Football Club.
Here its ………..
One day boss came to office without closing his pant sib …..
His secretary saw that she said “ sir ur garage door is open”
Boss : oops I am soori have u seen my Ferrari ??
She replied : “ no sir, I saw one scooter with two puncheried Tire “
Santa Singh was filling up a job application form.
Stuck up at the question 'Expected Salary'.
Thought for hours...
and finally wrote,
'YES'
children are special ; every mother has got them.
wives are special ; every neighbour has got them
LOL .......
Thug to a passerby ( pointing his gun at him ) - Money OR Life?
Passerby - OR
Life is Beautiful...Indeed!
A husband desperate to end an argument offers to buy is wife a new car. She declines his offer by saying, "That's not quite what I had in mind."
Frantically he offers her a new house. Again she rejects his offer, "That's not quite what I had in mind."
Curious, he asks: "What did you have in mind?"
She retorts, "I'd like a divorce."
He answers, "I hadn't planned on spending quite that much."
*********************
“You become responsible forever for what you have tamed”. Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
Isn't it a strange world, when if you stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' loudly, everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
OBSERVING THE BABY
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."
*********************
“You become responsible forever for what you have tamed”. Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
How do sailors get their clothes clean?
They throw them overboard and then they are washed ashore.
A Jewish ladies husband died, and she wanted to put an advert in the paper. So she phones up the Newspaper and asked what is the cheapest possible way of advertising that husband died and how much will it cost.
The newspaper guys told the lady that it will cost $5 per word and minium of 5 words.
So she phones back later and tells that she would like to advertise..........
"David Died Volvo for Sale"
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HE WHO DARES WINS
went to my friends place yesterday to watch the football
got bored after a couple of hours so we started kicking it.
Have you heard of the new Vi*gra contact lenses? Apparently they make you look hard.
Remember when Michael Jackson was made England coach?
Apparently he got sacked for putting Seaman in the Under-15 squad.
One time Intelligent Software Engineer went to “MNC” Company for interview and Manager ask him
So..
Mr. Software Engineer ,
what do u expect for the salary ?.
“Software Engineer * “not much sir,
only 90,000 rupees,
one small Bunglow,
one car, some servant”.
Manager * “Ok Mr Software Engineer ,
We will pay U 1 Lakh 50 Thousand rupees,
Big Bunglow at ur desire location,
One Mercedes Benz Car with a Driver,
Ur Kids education paid by company,
and few servant as U require”.
Software Engineer is very excited ,Software Engineer * “Why are U joking Sir!”,
Manager * “Who started this joke?”.
Last night when I got home, the phone was ringing.
I picked it up, and said, 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said, 'You are.'"
u guys r zany! good day to all!
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room,so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile... .Somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date: 16 January 2009
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They gave computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard"
LOL, shaded glory, I really like the one with "Fluctuations"
Once there was a fellow in his boat which was fully loaded. Even a feather could make the boat sink. As he was moving, he felt like smoking. He had 2 cigars in his pocket. But he forgot to take the lighter. But he had a brighter idea. He took 1 cigar and threw it in the water therefore making the boat lighter, and with that lighter he lit his cigar.
lol..good joke!
Thanks.. At least someone cares..:)
Get some sleep, brit.
A hermit was arrested after driving a hundred miles an hour, the charge was recluse driving.
Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the ladies room there is a very special mirror.
If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one wish is granted.
However, if one tells a lie then with a “POOF” you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
So, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says,
"I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."
“POOF” The mirror swallows her.
Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive."
“POOF” The mirror swallows her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says,, "I think. . . ."
“POOF”
ROFL...good one Brit. I'm saddo, I haven't heard that one before.
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Apparently a body of a member of staff was found covered in mushrooms, onions ham and cheese.
The police spokesman said that there was a strong possiblity that the man had topped himself.
Shaded Glory, very funny.
the badder the better! now thats hillarious.
be the best guy or the worst villain.
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to
the Currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one
lady in front of me. .. .an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen
for dollars and she was a little irritated . .
She asked the teller, "Why it chain ?? Yest u day, I get two hunat
dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it cha in ?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"
A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''
The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''
''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.
She pleads, "please Lord, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back."
And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.
She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"
The badder, the better :-)
BUT, i liked it..
By the way, due to traffic , I showed up late for work today.
The boss yelled "You should have been here at 8:30!"
I said “Why? What happened at 8:30?"
You think your joke was corny?
Take a look at my eye! See, it's...
CORNEA!
8-)
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were having a rest in their hotel room when suddenly a tree walked in.
"Elm entry, my Dear Watson," said Holmes.
hahahahaha
Archaeologists in Britain found part of an ancient door. It had a stone hinge on it.
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
----------------------
Expect the Unexpected.
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I'm bursting with laughter! The Chinese post is hilarious.
Thanks
Salam
Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
Oh so British!
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."
Diets and Dying
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
I mentioned to the Doctor that I was pretty out of shape.
"Round is a shape," he said.
"I love you, Doc," I said.
It is always the lost that need my guidance