The dilemma of forgiveness
Nice article I found on internet.
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I’ve never quite understood the concept of forgiveness and accordingly never applied it throughout my entire life " how shameful??!!!".
I kept convincing myself that it made no sense forgiving those who hurt me; since I am a very sensitive person and the slightest negative acts leave a mark that I never seem to forget or get over.
It only hit me yesterday that this was only because I have always associated forgiveness with OTHERS where the truth is that it is all about ME!!
“It's not what people do to us that hurts us, it's our chosen response to what they do that hurts us. “Stephen R. Covey
We all agree that being hurt is horrible, especially when we think we deserve much better than that.
Who would want to be mistreated, lied to, abused, betrayed, Etc. And how is it ever possible to forgive somebody who would do that to us?
Well, the trick is that we always focus on the outcome rather than the actions that lead to it.
In order for us to get hurt, we must have made some crappy choices and decisions along the way and accordingly it’s our fault!!
It is always very tempting to point the fingers of blame at others, but trust me this never gets us anywhere.
The truth is that our ego, which feeds on drama and negativity, will keep us engaged in an endless loop, feeling victimized by circumstances and sorry for ourselves, doubting, waiting for an explanation or absolution that may never come and always questioning: WHY WOULD HE/SHE DO THIS TO ME?
Let’s take a simple example: Alana cried: “Tina lied to me. I hate her so much and will never ever forgive her. I’ll make sure she pays for it. Life is just so unfair!!!”
Looking at it from an outcome point of view, we will certainly sympathize with Alana who has been betrayed “assuming she had done nothing wrong”, yet there are a handful of choices she had made throughout the process:
She chose to TRUST her friend, LISTEN to her, BELIEVE what she said and ACT accordingly.
So if there is someone she should blame or forgive then it’s her OWN SELF. It’s what she has control over and knows better.
“But how can I ever trust anybody, be vulnerable and risk getting hurt?”
When it comes to human interactions, always expect things to go against your own will simply because we are all different, complicated and are constantly subjected to change.
We all screw up and it is only natural, yet we are afraid to embrace this fact and admit that the word “Risk” is only a sophisticated way of saying “crappy choice/ shitty decision”.
Back to the conversation, what if Allana decided to declare responsibility about what she did, started pointing out all the choices she made and decided to admit she was wrong yet SO WHAT?
I believe that would be the beginning of shutting down her ego for a while and getting rid of that drama queen inside.
Then comes the interesting part: FORGIVING her for screwing up, which is not as difficult as it may sound and looking at all those lessons she had learnt from that.
“But now she feels lonely after losing her best friend.”
Hatred, negative energy and payback are just lame and pointless.
Whining and feeling victimized are easy but won’t get us anywhere so we might as well replace them with more positive feelings and attitudes.
If I feel lonely I am negative, but if I want to be with people and share experiences then that’s positive. If I hate you it’s negative, but if I love the people who matter to me then that’s positive.
So we simply need to REPHRASE our emotions and REDIRECT them somewhere else, strive to fill in the gaps caused by disappointments and use this energy towards more meaningful deeds and people.
You can never avoid pain unless you decide to cut yourself off from human interaction; which is what makes life worth living.
“There are no shortcuts to anyplace worth going. “ Beverly Sills
Life is not unfair. It is only beautiful yet too short. We'd better not waste it.
