When William Shakespeare went swimming one day he was obsessed with the notion that moths had been feeding on the back of his trunks! He asked a friend to investigate and make a thorough search. The friend replied, "No holes, bard."
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1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?
2nd Eskimo: Alaska
1st Eskimo: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself!
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Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"
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How do you count a herd of cattle?
With a cowculator.
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A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, but I can't sell you that."
"Why not asked the customer?"
"Because that's my husband."
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Who appears in cowboy films and is always broke?
Skint Eastwood
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What do you get if you cross a fruit with a Welshman?
A taffy apple.
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"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
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Traffic policeman: 'Didn't you hear me shout to you to pull over?'
Motorist: 'I'm awfully sorry. I thought you said "Good morning, Chief Constable." '
Traffic policeman: 'That's all right, sir. I just wanted to warn you that the traffic's pretty bad up ahead.'
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Did you hear about the 2 men from the monastery who opened up a fast food seafood restaurant?
One was the fish friar, and the other was the chip monk.
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Denial: A river in Egypt!
Coincide: What you do when it starts to rain!
Bacteria: The rear portion of the cafeteria!
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Acoustic: Instrument used in billiards!
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
About half way.
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1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?
2nd Eskimo: Alaska
1st Eskimo: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself!
-----------------
Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"
-----------------
How do you count a herd of cattle?
With a cowculator.
-----------------
A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, but I can't sell you that."
"Why not asked the customer?"
"Because that's my husband."
-----------------
Who appears in cowboy films and is always broke?
Skint Eastwood
-----------------
What do you get if you cross a fruit with a Welshman?
A taffy apple.
-----------------
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
-----------------
Traffic policeman: 'Didn't you hear me shout to you to pull over?'
Motorist: 'I'm awfully sorry. I thought you said "Good morning, Chief Constable." '
Traffic policeman: 'That's all right, sir. I just wanted to warn you that the traffic's pretty bad up ahead.'
-----------------
Did you hear about the 2 men from the monastery who opened up a fast food seafood restaurant?
One was the fish friar, and the other was the chip monk.
-----------------
Denial: A river in Egypt!
Coincide: What you do when it starts to rain!
Bacteria: The rear portion of the cafeteria!
-----------------
Acoustic: Instrument used in billiards!
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
About half way.
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